Disclaimer: Warning! This does not intend to categorize anyone related, directly or indirectly, to any institution. This is just a mere experience and how the conversation went along. If you think you will be offended by the harshness or insensitivity of this dialogue, I suggest you stop reading at this point. Once again, I do not intend to make a point out of this post nor do I intend to criticize, make fun or demean anybody related to any institution.
I was quietly reading my Business Economics textbook when suddenly a message appeared in the computer monitor...
Reef: hi... you look familiar... are you a DLSU grad?
I was logged-on to one of those social websites so i wasn't surprised when this anonymous guy popped up in my screen...
Dame: why?
Reef: nothing... I'm from DLSU kasi... where are you now???
Dame: I'm from makati... but im in alabang right now...
Reef: really... i live in alabang but i work in makati... small world huh?
Dame: i guess so...
Reef: so what are you here for??? friends??? relationship??? EBs??? SEBs???
Dame: im sorry to disappoint you dude... but i don't go for those here...
Reef: ok... that's cool... hope we could meet and talk... btw... what's your stats? age???
Dame: it's in my profile... you haven't read it have you???
Reef: your age isn't there...
Dame: it is there pare... but for your comfort and convenience... i took the initiative to paste what was already written there... are you sure you're from DLSU or baka CSB ka???
***** Stats: 24.175cm.65kg - 5'9".143lbs
***** Body & Ethnics: Athletic & Mixed
***** Hair: Brown
***** Body Hair:
***** Eyes: Brown
***** Piercings: None
***** Tattoos: None
Reef: yeah... i've already read that... what i'm asking is your age??? i'm from CSB... you can ask me anything about it...
at that time i don't know what has got in to me when all my biatchy-ness oozed out of my ears...
Dame: pare... the first thing you see in my stats is my age... malabo ba??? Stats: 24.175cm.65kg - 5'9".143lbs >>> "24" hindi naman siguro ako 24.175cm diba??? ano ako dwende??? for a DLSU guy you would disappoint me... but coz you're from CSB i understand...
and after that i realized i was being unimaginably rude...
Dame: sorry if im this sarcastic... i just don't like slow people... bare with me...
Reef: uhmmm sorry dude... i rarely check this site and i wudnt even know that ur age wud be included there... it said stats not age...
but i can't help it... i kept on and on... argh!!!
Dame: its in my nature... for those who dont know me they would really get turned-off... but for those who do they are actually thankful... just a piece of advice... dont rely too much on whats on the label... people who put "do not drink" on poison bottles actually put it there for people like you... it's what they call "COMMON SENSE" but you don't have to worry it's congenital... so you can't blame yourself...
Reef: AND DNT MAKE URSELF MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE COZ AT THE END OF THE DAY... UL SEE WHO IS PROPERLY EDUCATED AND NOT... THANKS...
and that was his last message... i wonder when will that end of the day be for him???
NAKU NAGALIT ATA!!! WAAAHHH I'M SO BAD!!! SORRY PO... I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION... RIGHT???
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
HummingBird Bakery (My First London Trip...Nostalgia)
the opening of the 2nd Hummingbird Bakery branch in London last year started my wild anticipation that i cant help but to keep my hands from my Fendi luggage bag and drag my ex-boyfriend's ass from his endless paper work and his consumed frantic mind, like he was trying to cure cancer or something, and got the cheapest ticket to Heathrow.
but that wasn't the only reason i wanted to go to London...
i met a guy the last time i've been to London while i was waiting for my ex-boyfriend to come back from a 5-day business trip to Manchester so I had to think of something that I could do so as not to rot inside the Arosfa Hotel for the next 5-days (if i were even there today, it would blow my brains out because i could clearly remember that it was a non-smoking hotel where a small part of London's fresh air still lingers... who cares about fresh air??? i need a puff!!! right now!!!)
i remember when my ex and i got out of the cab from Heathrow and went straight to Arosfa (my ex doesn't waste time... he already had everything planned... even my ever so boring 5-day wait...) We stayed in a single room, in which the bed seem to be really just for one person, as what was planned (ARGH!!!) which only costs us 55/night. We unpacked our things and early the next day he got straight to the airport to take the first flight to Manchester.
so i found myself in a small room... alone... and just decided to take a long bath to make time run a bit faster... after my 2 hour bath i realized it was only 10 in the morning... i couldn't help but to pick myself up from that miserable state and thought of going around Bloomsbury.
just as i stepped out of the hotel i felt my stomach rumbling, so i walked the short length of Gower street then around Chenies until i found the very first Tube in London that i was sure i was about to ride...
i stepped right in the subway and popped up the tickets my ex bought for us the moment we stepped out of the airport (talk about OCD!), i remembered that i took the subway near Goodge Street that was bound South of London.
i haven't had the feel of the ride when i noticed a guy in a pale blue sweatshirt, ragged blue jeans and worn out sneakers was staring at me. i was standing at the corner near the service entrance and he was sitting a couple of feet directly across me. he had deep blue eyes and dark blonde hair. he had a feel of a pure Englishman if it were not for the clothes that he's in.
he looked at me straight on and made sure i felt that there wasn't anybody he was looking at. i tried looking in another direction but his piercing stare just kept on tapping my peripheral view. scary thoughts rambled in my head and i kept on repeating in my mind that taking the tube all by myself was a bad idea.
the next stop seem to be a light at the end of a tunnel and my instinct told me to get off as fast as i could. the moment i stepped off the tube and on the platform. it was an intersection stop so i got in the other tube where i have no idea where its heading. i know that i'm gonna hate myself again for getting in another train, but might as well be out of harms way.
"Oxford Circus!" was the next stop that i heard from the speakers just above me, i thought ill just be picking out a nice name and get off at that station...
Bond Street... Marble Arch... Lancaster Gate... Queensway...
Notting Hill Gate...
the sound of the next stop sounded like ive heard it from some movie before so i decided to pick this one out and see whats outside this station. i went out for real air and saw myself in a normal street with rows of shops and residences that have the same architectural facade. different shades of pale colors are the only distinction of each establishment.
i turned to a street called Portobello Road which immediately transported me to a Mary Poppins theme place. i wished i brought with me an umbrella just to complete the aura.
people started to crowd most of the length of the road and i finally saw something i could do in London that i am certainly good at. SHOPPING!!!
there seem to be a market that stretches way to the end of the road. fresh meat are piled and hanged on little stalls to my left and right. Second-hand clothes with designer garments and vintage denim and leather line in a row at boutiques and there are food stalls with great bread and cheese, but the one that attracted me most are the antiques, or they seem to look antique, that are for sale.
there's this one specific shop that caught my eye as its sign was a clay or ceramic like teapot hanging in front of its door entrance. i went in and found myself in the middle of the most number of antiques i've seen in my entire life. it felt like i just came out of a time machine.
there were china porcelains with gold and silver engravings hanging on the wall. little jars and vases are lined up in a row under the paintings that hanged on the one wide yellowing wall. i could see vintage clothes on every corner that hangers could fit and brilliant chandeliers hovered on top of me. there were eerie looking busts, old wooden cabinets, animal wood carvings of pigeons, tortoises and cats, heavy wooden music boxes, a clock in a shape of an 6 pointed star hanging at the wall at the back of the cash register and low lighted lamps and shades that gave effect of age and authenticity.
but from all those remarkable items that i could have purchased i was intimately interested at the collection of old jewelry displayed inside a glass locker at the left corner of the store. there was this snake-like gold bracelet that has lost its shine because of age that i became infatuated with.
i asked the store merchant if i could take a look at the item and i immediately tried it on. it was perfect and when i glanced at its price tag i trembled a bit, poutted with disappointment and handed it back to the merchant.
"its a bit too expensive for me." i said and gave out a grin that was a mixture of disappointment and anticipation. the little trinket costs more than my whole stay here in London.
then a man just popped out from somewhere glided out behind me held my wrist just as im about to give back the bracelet to the merchant.
"i see you haven't been in these places before?" his question sounded like it was more of what he thought and not that he wanted answer for it. "bargaining is one thing you could exhaust here in Kensington."
i looked at his hand and my sight crawled from his pale blue sweatshirt to his deep blue eyes. it was the man from the train. i didn't move away from his grip as i was deep in my thoughts of figuring out how he managed to follow me here.
"my kind sir, maybe you could give this to my friend for 400 pounds" he magically pulled a credit card out of his sleeves and pushed it towards the counter with his left hand while his right still had the steady grip on my wrist.
the merchant frowned but took the card and was about to punched in the closed purchase.
"im sorry but i was just looking around. i wasn't really planning on buying anything." i crammed each word out of my mouth and used what little i learned from my aikido class and managed to get out from his grip.
"well, i was planning to buy that one for you." he stared at me like he was trying to tell me something. i stared back with a big question mark on my face and time seem to pass by so fast that the little bracelet was ready in a little box and was stuffed in a tiny paper bag.
"are you new here?" the tall blonde man asked me. i tried to look for a little hesitation from all his extravagant gesture but failed to find any.
"yes, just on vacation." i answered like a robot. "im sorry but who the hell are you?"
the question came out my mouth in the most foreign way he could ever get and i was hoping that he already got the idea that im just a tourist and wish he hates tourists from Asia.
"i never heard someone who could talk that fast. are you Australian?" he asked me back.
"no, i'm Asian. i'm sorry to be rude but i was just looking around and was really going to grab breakfast. i don't want to get into your morning." i said with a subtle sarcasm of wanting to be alone. " so if you don't mind ill be on my way."
"i know a great patisserie around the corner. its actually a french bakery lost in the middle of London, but there's a touch of UK in it. i think you'll like it" he pushed that insistent phrase that i realized that it wouldn't really hurt to go around London with a tour guide.
"you got me. ok. but first, whats your name and how come you've been following me around?" i demanded. " i saw you in the train and now you just happen to pop out from nowhere."
"im william." he held out his hand to shake mine and i gave him my ice cold palm." you really dont seem to like the weather here. i could imagine how much nice the weather is in the tropics."
we walked slowly towards that breakfast place he was talking about while i try to get the most out of my probing questions.
"so what do you do? where are you from here?" i thought the more questions i ask the more freaked out he will be.
"im just a simple IT guy here. i work with one of the .coms website. i live around the west side of central london. not far from here." he answered back but dosnt seem to be interested in anything about me.
we arrived in a place called The Hummingbird Bakery and with the looks of the place, i already knew that this breakfast is going to be a hefty one. The whole place was pink and when i got in i was flooded with baby colors. Blues and Reds and Yellows and a lot of Pink. I automatically remembered my boyfriend who was away for work and how much i wish that we shared this breakfast together, but all i got is this stranger that is getting stranger by the minute.
i ordered a banana cream pie and coffee and william just got himself a latte. by now i hurriedly went to the cash register to pay for our bill. he smiled and chuckled a bit when he saw me racing towards the end of the counter.
"you're funny guy. i havent got your name" that was the start of his endless questions the whole time we were having breakfast.
"im damianne. i came here with my boyfriend here in but he had some business in Manchester so i just decided to stay here rather than bore myself there." that sounded more that what he asked me but i figured maybe he would go away if he knows that i have a boyfriend.
"thats not so nice of him. leaving you here all alone. well, at least you get to go anywhere you want." he just kept that smile hanging over his face like he wanted to tell me something.
we talked about work. We talked about food. We talked about Manila and London. We talked for almost 2 hours and i realized that its almost noon.
"It has been a wonderful morning with you damianne. But i have to go now. Im meeting somebody for lunch." He stood up towering everybody in the bakery and scooped his bag and coat and stretched his hands towards me. I stood up realizing how pathetic my height is around him and compensated by shaking his hands with a tight grip.
I stayed for another round of those pies and added a milk shake with it. I promised myself that ill skipped lunch with a big breakfast that i had. I suddenly realized that all the while that i was alone there the little paper bag with the gold trinket was just sitting on the chair where william was seated a while ago.
I blew a deep sigh but was really thinking of running after william but i guess im not too familiar of the place and i don't want to bump with another stranger.
I went back to my hotel room and decided to wait for the next four days for my boyfriend to return. It was boring but i'd rather not get into another scne like that and inasmuch as i wanted to give the bracelet back to william i don't think its right if i would now be the one stalking him.
The rest of our trip to London ended up being nice and what i expected. When my boyfriend got back we stayed for another 2 days to go around and take pictures everywhere. I wore the bracelet the whole time we were going around London and my boyfriend doesnt seem to notice it was new.
A few days after we returned back in Manila, my boyfriend asked me about some misplaced calling card that he wasnt familiar with and that was out of his stack of calling cards.
"Do you know anybody who's a William Beckford?" he asked me while we were having dinner."I found this calling card from our luggages back in London and its in one of this little paper bag.
"Oh i guess thats the calling card of the shop where i got this bracelet i bought when you were away for work." i flinched a bit while trying to digest dinner.
"Hmmm... so you went around to shop without me?" he made a frown with his cute face and pinched my arm. "so what else did you see when i was away?"
"thats about it. i was kinda scared to go around that i might get lost or something." i said
"or something? hmmm... funny but the card says that william is working for a pornsite in london..." he said while putting a funny look on his face
"really??? hmmmm... maybe they put it in the bag as a flyer..." i answered back.
my boyfriend might have more questions in his head but after hearing that i've got all my questions answered...
Tags: damianne, gay, london, portobello road, hummingbird bakery, arosfa
but that wasn't the only reason i wanted to go to London...
i met a guy the last time i've been to London while i was waiting for my ex-boyfriend to come back from a 5-day business trip to Manchester so I had to think of something that I could do so as not to rot inside the Arosfa Hotel for the next 5-days (if i were even there today, it would blow my brains out because i could clearly remember that it was a non-smoking hotel where a small part of London's fresh air still lingers... who cares about fresh air??? i need a puff!!! right now!!!)
i remember when my ex and i got out of the cab from Heathrow and went straight to Arosfa (my ex doesn't waste time... he already had everything planned... even my ever so boring 5-day wait...) We stayed in a single room, in which the bed seem to be really just for one person, as what was planned (ARGH!!!) which only costs us 55/night. We unpacked our things and early the next day he got straight to the airport to take the first flight to Manchester.
so i found myself in a small room... alone... and just decided to take a long bath to make time run a bit faster... after my 2 hour bath i realized it was only 10 in the morning... i couldn't help but to pick myself up from that miserable state and thought of going around Bloomsbury.
just as i stepped out of the hotel i felt my stomach rumbling, so i walked the short length of Gower street then around Chenies until i found the very first Tube in London that i was sure i was about to ride...
i stepped right in the subway and popped up the tickets my ex bought for us the moment we stepped out of the airport (talk about OCD!), i remembered that i took the subway near Goodge Street that was bound South of London.
i haven't had the feel of the ride when i noticed a guy in a pale blue sweatshirt, ragged blue jeans and worn out sneakers was staring at me. i was standing at the corner near the service entrance and he was sitting a couple of feet directly across me. he had deep blue eyes and dark blonde hair. he had a feel of a pure Englishman if it were not for the clothes that he's in.
he looked at me straight on and made sure i felt that there wasn't anybody he was looking at. i tried looking in another direction but his piercing stare just kept on tapping my peripheral view. scary thoughts rambled in my head and i kept on repeating in my mind that taking the tube all by myself was a bad idea.
the next stop seem to be a light at the end of a tunnel and my instinct told me to get off as fast as i could. the moment i stepped off the tube and on the platform. it was an intersection stop so i got in the other tube where i have no idea where its heading. i know that i'm gonna hate myself again for getting in another train, but might as well be out of harms way.
"Oxford Circus!" was the next stop that i heard from the speakers just above me, i thought ill just be picking out a nice name and get off at that station...
Bond Street... Marble Arch... Lancaster Gate... Queensway...
Notting Hill Gate...
the sound of the next stop sounded like ive heard it from some movie before so i decided to pick this one out and see whats outside this station. i went out for real air and saw myself in a normal street with rows of shops and residences that have the same architectural facade. different shades of pale colors are the only distinction of each establishment.
i turned to a street called Portobello Road which immediately transported me to a Mary Poppins theme place. i wished i brought with me an umbrella just to complete the aura.
people started to crowd most of the length of the road and i finally saw something i could do in London that i am certainly good at. SHOPPING!!!
there seem to be a market that stretches way to the end of the road. fresh meat are piled and hanged on little stalls to my left and right. Second-hand clothes with designer garments and vintage denim and leather line in a row at boutiques and there are food stalls with great bread and cheese, but the one that attracted me most are the antiques, or they seem to look antique, that are for sale.
there's this one specific shop that caught my eye as its sign was a clay or ceramic like teapot hanging in front of its door entrance. i went in and found myself in the middle of the most number of antiques i've seen in my entire life. it felt like i just came out of a time machine.
there were china porcelains with gold and silver engravings hanging on the wall. little jars and vases are lined up in a row under the paintings that hanged on the one wide yellowing wall. i could see vintage clothes on every corner that hangers could fit and brilliant chandeliers hovered on top of me. there were eerie looking busts, old wooden cabinets, animal wood carvings of pigeons, tortoises and cats, heavy wooden music boxes, a clock in a shape of an 6 pointed star hanging at the wall at the back of the cash register and low lighted lamps and shades that gave effect of age and authenticity.
but from all those remarkable items that i could have purchased i was intimately interested at the collection of old jewelry displayed inside a glass locker at the left corner of the store. there was this snake-like gold bracelet that has lost its shine because of age that i became infatuated with.
i asked the store merchant if i could take a look at the item and i immediately tried it on. it was perfect and when i glanced at its price tag i trembled a bit, poutted with disappointment and handed it back to the merchant.
"its a bit too expensive for me." i said and gave out a grin that was a mixture of disappointment and anticipation. the little trinket costs more than my whole stay here in London.
then a man just popped out from somewhere glided out behind me held my wrist just as im about to give back the bracelet to the merchant.
"i see you haven't been in these places before?" his question sounded like it was more of what he thought and not that he wanted answer for it. "bargaining is one thing you could exhaust here in Kensington."
i looked at his hand and my sight crawled from his pale blue sweatshirt to his deep blue eyes. it was the man from the train. i didn't move away from his grip as i was deep in my thoughts of figuring out how he managed to follow me here.
"my kind sir, maybe you could give this to my friend for 400 pounds" he magically pulled a credit card out of his sleeves and pushed it towards the counter with his left hand while his right still had the steady grip on my wrist.
the merchant frowned but took the card and was about to punched in the closed purchase.
"im sorry but i was just looking around. i wasn't really planning on buying anything." i crammed each word out of my mouth and used what little i learned from my aikido class and managed to get out from his grip.
"well, i was planning to buy that one for you." he stared at me like he was trying to tell me something. i stared back with a big question mark on my face and time seem to pass by so fast that the little bracelet was ready in a little box and was stuffed in a tiny paper bag.
"are you new here?" the tall blonde man asked me. i tried to look for a little hesitation from all his extravagant gesture but failed to find any.
"yes, just on vacation." i answered like a robot. "im sorry but who the hell are you?"
the question came out my mouth in the most foreign way he could ever get and i was hoping that he already got the idea that im just a tourist and wish he hates tourists from Asia.
"i never heard someone who could talk that fast. are you Australian?" he asked me back.
"no, i'm Asian. i'm sorry to be rude but i was just looking around and was really going to grab breakfast. i don't want to get into your morning." i said with a subtle sarcasm of wanting to be alone. " so if you don't mind ill be on my way."
"i know a great patisserie around the corner. its actually a french bakery lost in the middle of London, but there's a touch of UK in it. i think you'll like it" he pushed that insistent phrase that i realized that it wouldn't really hurt to go around London with a tour guide.
"you got me. ok. but first, whats your name and how come you've been following me around?" i demanded. " i saw you in the train and now you just happen to pop out from nowhere."
"im william." he held out his hand to shake mine and i gave him my ice cold palm." you really dont seem to like the weather here. i could imagine how much nice the weather is in the tropics."
we walked slowly towards that breakfast place he was talking about while i try to get the most out of my probing questions.
"so what do you do? where are you from here?" i thought the more questions i ask the more freaked out he will be.
"im just a simple IT guy here. i work with one of the .coms website. i live around the west side of central london. not far from here." he answered back but dosnt seem to be interested in anything about me.
we arrived in a place called The Hummingbird Bakery and with the looks of the place, i already knew that this breakfast is going to be a hefty one. The whole place was pink and when i got in i was flooded with baby colors. Blues and Reds and Yellows and a lot of Pink. I automatically remembered my boyfriend who was away for work and how much i wish that we shared this breakfast together, but all i got is this stranger that is getting stranger by the minute.
i ordered a banana cream pie and coffee and william just got himself a latte. by now i hurriedly went to the cash register to pay for our bill. he smiled and chuckled a bit when he saw me racing towards the end of the counter.
"you're funny guy. i havent got your name" that was the start of his endless questions the whole time we were having breakfast.
"im damianne. i came here with my boyfriend here in but he had some business in Manchester so i just decided to stay here rather than bore myself there." that sounded more that what he asked me but i figured maybe he would go away if he knows that i have a boyfriend.
"thats not so nice of him. leaving you here all alone. well, at least you get to go anywhere you want." he just kept that smile hanging over his face like he wanted to tell me something.
we talked about work. We talked about food. We talked about Manila and London. We talked for almost 2 hours and i realized that its almost noon.
"It has been a wonderful morning with you damianne. But i have to go now. Im meeting somebody for lunch." He stood up towering everybody in the bakery and scooped his bag and coat and stretched his hands towards me. I stood up realizing how pathetic my height is around him and compensated by shaking his hands with a tight grip.
I stayed for another round of those pies and added a milk shake with it. I promised myself that ill skipped lunch with a big breakfast that i had. I suddenly realized that all the while that i was alone there the little paper bag with the gold trinket was just sitting on the chair where william was seated a while ago.
I blew a deep sigh but was really thinking of running after william but i guess im not too familiar of the place and i don't want to bump with another stranger.
I went back to my hotel room and decided to wait for the next four days for my boyfriend to return. It was boring but i'd rather not get into another scne like that and inasmuch as i wanted to give the bracelet back to william i don't think its right if i would now be the one stalking him.
The rest of our trip to London ended up being nice and what i expected. When my boyfriend got back we stayed for another 2 days to go around and take pictures everywhere. I wore the bracelet the whole time we were going around London and my boyfriend doesnt seem to notice it was new.
A few days after we returned back in Manila, my boyfriend asked me about some misplaced calling card that he wasnt familiar with and that was out of his stack of calling cards.
"Do you know anybody who's a William Beckford?" he asked me while we were having dinner."I found this calling card from our luggages back in London and its in one of this little paper bag.
"Oh i guess thats the calling card of the shop where i got this bracelet i bought when you were away for work." i flinched a bit while trying to digest dinner.
"Hmmm... so you went around to shop without me?" he made a frown with his cute face and pinched my arm. "so what else did you see when i was away?"
"thats about it. i was kinda scared to go around that i might get lost or something." i said
"or something? hmmm... funny but the card says that william is working for a pornsite in london..." he said while putting a funny look on his face
"really??? hmmmm... maybe they put it in the bag as a flyer..." i answered back.
my boyfriend might have more questions in his head but after hearing that i've got all my questions answered...
Tags: damianne, gay, london, portobello road, hummingbird bakery, arosfa
Cold Nights in My Room
The way home from work was the usual 45-minute bus ride from alabang to makati. Things has been the usual things that graveyard shift. A couple of intercon meetings and a couple of movies from youtube. It was a cold morning when i stepped out of the bus and headed towards my pad.
The even colder air gushed out of my room when i pulled the door opened. I left the A/C on for the whole night and i shivered, wondering how much my electricity bill would come out the next time i get it.
I had a donut and milk for my meal and brushed my teeth before i slipped into my 3-day old boxers and climbed into bed to sleep.
**** My Little Uncanny Messenger ****
The room was cold and dark, but i could see thru amongst the outline of my small sanctuary. I felt i pulled my comforter too high that it failed to cover my feet. I could feel my toes shiver but i cant seem to let myself crunch them to keep some warm blood running thru my icy toes. I tried to reach the comforter but i cant move.
I CANT MOVE.
Then horrified by the view i saw when i tried looking at my feet, I saw a little man standing along the edge my bed. He was a little boy with a shaved head. I was wearing nothing but a brown cloth that covered his entire body.
He was waving at me. His hands and forearm beat like a metronome that was out of beat and it was waving fast and the slow.
Fast and then slow.
Terror rushed from my little toes, thru my spine, all the way at the back on my neck. I conjured a force to move my limp legs.
I kicked as hard as I could.
And then there was me. Lying on my bed. Catching my breath. I could hear my heart pounding. I got up and drank a glass of water. I went back to bed to sleep.
**** Don't Wake Me Up When I'm Sleeping ****
It was 3 months now since i've reoriented the position of my bed. The small window was just below my feet and my head is opposite the wooden cabinet in front of the bathroom door. I was feeling the chill of the A/C blowing against my toes and so I tucked myself further inside my comforter sheets.
I was awaken by a movement that I heard rather than felt. Slowly the sheets that covered me slipped ever so lightly pulling it to totally cover my body. I pulled back.
Someone is pulling my sheets from above my head.
I fought and pulled to keep my head exposed to the cold stagnant hair in my room. I saw small hands grabbing my sheets and pulling it. I immediately turned my head up to see what is pulling it and it was the little boy. He's still wearing his brown coat. My heart dropped from my bed when i realized that his neck doesn't have a head on top of it but just the pitch darkness that is suspended in my room. To my horror i closed my eyes and tried to wake up from that dream. The moment I opened them back the pulling stopped, the little boy was gone and I have to get up and open the lights to guard me while I sleep.
**** I Swear I Was Not With Anyone ****
A month had passed when Ive put back my bed to its original position. I was now facing the tube when i lay down my bed. I slept most of the mornings together with the soft rumbling of the A/C.
My roommate got home later than I did and found me asleep.
He went straight to bed without taking off his work clothes.
10 minutes has passed when the door suddenly opened and closed. My roommate was awoken by the thudding sound and got up to brush his teeth and he made sure that the doors were locked.
"Hey, You should tell your boys to at least say goodbye before leaving." He made a comment while i was trying to understand what he was saying.
"What?" I asked.
"I said, The next time you're going to bring a guy over, tell him he might at least lock the door when he's gonna leave" the peculiar sarcasm made me realize that it was really my roommate who's talking.
"What guy? I was sleeping here alone." Slowly i swallowed my words and froze in front of my roommate.
"Yeah right. There was this guy beside you when I got in. He was lying on his tummy so I didn't exactly saw his face." he insisted. "He had a shaved head. You know, you've been bringing over too many guys that you don't remember any of them."
"Dude! I'm fucking serious... I was alone the whole night...What the hell are you talking about?" I exclaimed.
We both looked at each other for a while... It was one of those looks that wanted some answers...
The even colder air gushed out of my room when i pulled the door opened. I left the A/C on for the whole night and i shivered, wondering how much my electricity bill would come out the next time i get it.
I had a donut and milk for my meal and brushed my teeth before i slipped into my 3-day old boxers and climbed into bed to sleep.
**** My Little Uncanny Messenger ****
The room was cold and dark, but i could see thru amongst the outline of my small sanctuary. I felt i pulled my comforter too high that it failed to cover my feet. I could feel my toes shiver but i cant seem to let myself crunch them to keep some warm blood running thru my icy toes. I tried to reach the comforter but i cant move.
I CANT MOVE.
Then horrified by the view i saw when i tried looking at my feet, I saw a little man standing along the edge my bed. He was a little boy with a shaved head. I was wearing nothing but a brown cloth that covered his entire body.
He was waving at me. His hands and forearm beat like a metronome that was out of beat and it was waving fast and the slow.
Fast and then slow.
Terror rushed from my little toes, thru my spine, all the way at the back on my neck. I conjured a force to move my limp legs.
I kicked as hard as I could.
And then there was me. Lying on my bed. Catching my breath. I could hear my heart pounding. I got up and drank a glass of water. I went back to bed to sleep.
**** Don't Wake Me Up When I'm Sleeping ****
It was 3 months now since i've reoriented the position of my bed. The small window was just below my feet and my head is opposite the wooden cabinet in front of the bathroom door. I was feeling the chill of the A/C blowing against my toes and so I tucked myself further inside my comforter sheets.
I was awaken by a movement that I heard rather than felt. Slowly the sheets that covered me slipped ever so lightly pulling it to totally cover my body. I pulled back.
Someone is pulling my sheets from above my head.
I fought and pulled to keep my head exposed to the cold stagnant hair in my room. I saw small hands grabbing my sheets and pulling it. I immediately turned my head up to see what is pulling it and it was the little boy. He's still wearing his brown coat. My heart dropped from my bed when i realized that his neck doesn't have a head on top of it but just the pitch darkness that is suspended in my room. To my horror i closed my eyes and tried to wake up from that dream. The moment I opened them back the pulling stopped, the little boy was gone and I have to get up and open the lights to guard me while I sleep.
**** I Swear I Was Not With Anyone ****
A month had passed when Ive put back my bed to its original position. I was now facing the tube when i lay down my bed. I slept most of the mornings together with the soft rumbling of the A/C.
My roommate got home later than I did and found me asleep.
He went straight to bed without taking off his work clothes.
10 minutes has passed when the door suddenly opened and closed. My roommate was awoken by the thudding sound and got up to brush his teeth and he made sure that the doors were locked.
"Hey, You should tell your boys to at least say goodbye before leaving." He made a comment while i was trying to understand what he was saying.
"What?" I asked.
"I said, The next time you're going to bring a guy over, tell him he might at least lock the door when he's gonna leave" the peculiar sarcasm made me realize that it was really my roommate who's talking.
"What guy? I was sleeping here alone." Slowly i swallowed my words and froze in front of my roommate.
"Yeah right. There was this guy beside you when I got in. He was lying on his tummy so I didn't exactly saw his face." he insisted. "He had a shaved head. You know, you've been bringing over too many guys that you don't remember any of them."
"Dude! I'm fucking serious... I was alone the whole night...What the hell are you talking about?" I exclaimed.
We both looked at each other for a while... It was one of those looks that wanted some answers...
Safe in Your Arms
"safe in my arms..." it repeats itself over and over inside my head, as i try to cover myself with my arms. i wrapped them around myself tight, just to keep me warm. it was a cold and damped morning. i just got off the bus, just finished my shift at work and was trying to look for cover as morning dew slowly trickle from above.
i ran as fast as i could to get to my building. drops of the morning dew settled on my cheeks and nose as i saw myself on the mirror right in front of the elevator door.
the door opened and i realized that i was the only one inside.
"my unit is 27-N... its a left turn when u step out of the elevator" i read the phone message i got from him as i opened my eyes to see that I'm inside a very unfamiliar elevator and a very unfamiliar place.
the door opened and i slowly followed a small corridor towards room 27-N.
i clicked the doorbell and he opened the door.
he was the same. he looked the same. more hair, but still the same. he was wearing just a pair of boxer shorts and was holding a glass of vodka.
"would you want a glass?" he offered, but i refused and went to the couch to make myself comfortable.
"you know i don't drink vodka... i hate it!" i smirked. i looked into his half sober eyes and decided to just pour it all out
"i cannot do this anymore, yoshi..." the words just came out of me without knowing that i even began speaking.
i saw his hands began to tremble and his glass of vodka was shaking but he tried to make it so subtle. he wanted to say something but cant let the words out. he slowly walked towards me and lifted me up from my seat and wrapped his arms around me.
i could hear the glass of vodka behind me while the ice cubes tinkles in it. i pushed him and looked away, hoping that he did not notice that my eyes are starting to fill up with tears.
"this is not working for me yoshi... we are not working!" i said with a tremble in each word.
life for me made a big turn when i first met him. he made me believe that life could be perfect. the first time he held my hands inside the dark and cold movie house seem to define what i felt as safe and loved.
but nothing seem to stay as perfect as it is... when i thought i got all that i wanted... when i thought that everything i needed was right in front of me, just within my reach... everything that i thought i needed and wanted was destroying all that i believed to be real.
"do you love me?" i asked him. at this point the first tear rolled on my cheeks and it burned my numb skin.
"words don't come easy to me dame. it doesn't work for me that way. i don't have any word to describe how i feel for you." he wanted me to stay with the words that he uttered. "i cannot find a way to say more of what i mean."
"so let me feel it... i want to feel you yoshi. why cant i feel any of it?" i screamed and screamed while i held his shoulders and try to shook him hoping that i could get anything that's tangible out the words that he kept on telling me. "give me what i need yoshi. its not much. you know its not much. i need to know if you love me... or if you ever loved me at all..."
my voice started to shrink as i lost control of my stance and drifted to a crazy sob as i sat on the floor, in front of him. teardrops slowly covered the marble-cast floor of our apartment. i remembered the times when we would make love on that very floor. it was damped with our sweat before but now all that covers it are my tears.
"say something!" i mustered everything that's left of my breath to get something out of his insensitive heart.
"come here baby..." he lifted me again from the desperation where i was and guided me to our room. "you need this..."
he held out his glass of vodka but i turned my head away.it's as if he wasn't hearing me at all. it's as if i was just a ghost trying to escape of the plane of the dead.
he placed the the glass of alcohol on top of the bedside table and held my arm tight. I looked straight through his eyes. it was starting to fill up. a moment there i was transported to a dark place with just him and i standing in a void of nothing. no air. no light. no warmth. no love.
he pulled me close and gave me the embrace i haven't felt for almost 2 years. i tried to inhale the vacuum that enclosed us but nothing sustained my breathing. his warmth didn't flowed thru my heart... i wanted to feel him but i was already so numb of crying.
"i came to tell you... i'm going to get some of my things." i pushed myself away and he grabbed his vodka and walked outside of the room.
**** CRASH ****
i ran outside and saw a shattered glass scattered on the floor.
"i'm sorry dame..." he whispered and lifelessly sat down the living room sofa.
"i'm sorry..."
i ran as fast as i could to get to my building. drops of the morning dew settled on my cheeks and nose as i saw myself on the mirror right in front of the elevator door.
the door opened and i realized that i was the only one inside.
"my unit is 27-N... its a left turn when u step out of the elevator" i read the phone message i got from him as i opened my eyes to see that I'm inside a very unfamiliar elevator and a very unfamiliar place.
the door opened and i slowly followed a small corridor towards room 27-N.
i clicked the doorbell and he opened the door.
he was the same. he looked the same. more hair, but still the same. he was wearing just a pair of boxer shorts and was holding a glass of vodka.
"would you want a glass?" he offered, but i refused and went to the couch to make myself comfortable.
"you know i don't drink vodka... i hate it!" i smirked. i looked into his half sober eyes and decided to just pour it all out
"i cannot do this anymore, yoshi..." the words just came out of me without knowing that i even began speaking.
i saw his hands began to tremble and his glass of vodka was shaking but he tried to make it so subtle. he wanted to say something but cant let the words out. he slowly walked towards me and lifted me up from my seat and wrapped his arms around me.
i could hear the glass of vodka behind me while the ice cubes tinkles in it. i pushed him and looked away, hoping that he did not notice that my eyes are starting to fill up with tears.
"this is not working for me yoshi... we are not working!" i said with a tremble in each word.
life for me made a big turn when i first met him. he made me believe that life could be perfect. the first time he held my hands inside the dark and cold movie house seem to define what i felt as safe and loved.
but nothing seem to stay as perfect as it is... when i thought i got all that i wanted... when i thought that everything i needed was right in front of me, just within my reach... everything that i thought i needed and wanted was destroying all that i believed to be real.
"do you love me?" i asked him. at this point the first tear rolled on my cheeks and it burned my numb skin.
"words don't come easy to me dame. it doesn't work for me that way. i don't have any word to describe how i feel for you." he wanted me to stay with the words that he uttered. "i cannot find a way to say more of what i mean."
"so let me feel it... i want to feel you yoshi. why cant i feel any of it?" i screamed and screamed while i held his shoulders and try to shook him hoping that i could get anything that's tangible out the words that he kept on telling me. "give me what i need yoshi. its not much. you know its not much. i need to know if you love me... or if you ever loved me at all..."
my voice started to shrink as i lost control of my stance and drifted to a crazy sob as i sat on the floor, in front of him. teardrops slowly covered the marble-cast floor of our apartment. i remembered the times when we would make love on that very floor. it was damped with our sweat before but now all that covers it are my tears.
"say something!" i mustered everything that's left of my breath to get something out of his insensitive heart.
"come here baby..." he lifted me again from the desperation where i was and guided me to our room. "you need this..."
he held out his glass of vodka but i turned my head away.it's as if he wasn't hearing me at all. it's as if i was just a ghost trying to escape of the plane of the dead.
he placed the the glass of alcohol on top of the bedside table and held my arm tight. I looked straight through his eyes. it was starting to fill up. a moment there i was transported to a dark place with just him and i standing in a void of nothing. no air. no light. no warmth. no love.
he pulled me close and gave me the embrace i haven't felt for almost 2 years. i tried to inhale the vacuum that enclosed us but nothing sustained my breathing. his warmth didn't flowed thru my heart... i wanted to feel him but i was already so numb of crying.
"i came to tell you... i'm going to get some of my things." i pushed myself away and he grabbed his vodka and walked outside of the room.
**** CRASH ****
i ran outside and saw a shattered glass scattered on the floor.
"i'm sorry dame..." he whispered and lifelessly sat down the living room sofa.
"i'm sorry..."
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
a vivid past and blurry future...
Jo: I had a cold last week. I'm sorry I wasn't able to reply to your messages.
Dame: That's OK. I was just a bit worried.
Jo: Do you want me to come over?
Dame: Yeah sure. But you better be ready how boring it will be when you get here. I'm kinda drowning of boredom already.
Jo: Maybe we could just take a walk outside. Look at the stars?
That sounded very weird, but i went out of my way of what's obvious and took a peek outside to see if there really were stars to look at. I chuckled when I saw what I expected... NONE.
Dame: Yeah we could think of something when you get here.
Jo: OK i'll be on my way in 15 minutes.
I met him at school after one of my class. I was cramming to get one of my reports printed so I looked for a computer shop around. He was seated in one of the rented desktop. We bumped into each other when we were both about to pay at the cashier. He introduced himself and told me that he lives in the same building. I was not paying much attention because i was too occupied in printing my late paper, but we exchanged digits just before i ran to catch my professor.
It had been 2 weeks since that first meet up and I don't have any idea why i felt too excited in seeing him again.
Time seemed to run fast when i received a message that he's already at the lobby and was waiting for me. I grabbed my keys and phone and hurriedly went to the elevator to meet him outside.
Dame: Hey you.
Jo: Hi. So where do you want to go?
Dame: It's Monday morning. I have no idea where we could hang out.
Jo: We could go to my place. There's a bar there where we could just have a few drinks.
My mind was blank for a moment.
Dame: I've got an idea.
I grabbed his arm and led him to the street corner and I hailed a cab.
Jo: Where are we going?
Dame: Don't ask. It's going to be good. Trust me.
I grinned a little.
The driver dropped us off Salcedo Park. I lived in one of the flats around that park before. It still has the nostalgic feeling of solitude and calm. The yellow light that poured from the light posts around the park drowned me with so much of the past that i had to pause to get my self ready.
Jo: This is nice.
Dame: I used to live around here. I usually wake up early in the morning to jog around. It's funny because usually this place is filled with dogs that the tenants walk around.
Jo: Lets go to that bench.
We comfortably sat on the bench at the middle of the park.
Time began to tick slowly. The air around us swirled in slow motion that i noticed each speck of dust fly by, dancing to a slow beat. Small talk was the only thing that came between us but it seem that it was the only thing that we need at that time. We had our keys, wallet and phone placed in between us on the bench but he suddenly gathered them and placed them on top of the back rest of the seat to make room.
Jo: Do you want to rest your head on my lap?
He said and I froze.
Dame: No.
But my body did the contrary and lay down on his lap. The stone bench was cold but I haven't felt warmer than ever. He started singing a song i haven't heard before.
Jo: Do you know that song?
Dame: No. I'm sorry but it sounds nice.
His face blocked most on my sight of the sky. There were still stars early that morning and I thought that the moment was perfect.
Jo: Hey. Tell me something.
Dame: I don't know what to say.
Jo: Ask me anything.
I wanted to ask him why he hadn't messaged me until now. It has been 2 weeks. I wanted to ask him if he were seeing somebody else but it doesn't seem appropriate. I wanted to know but I couldn't gather my courage to ask.
Dame: I don't know what to ask. You ask my anything.
Jo: Why haven't you messaged me? I thought you weren't interested.
My heart leaped again. He was thinking the same thoughts that I have.
Dame: I don't know. I was busy with work and school. Were you waiting for my message?
Jo: Yes I was. It's been two weeks. Were you seeing some one else then?
It's like he's reading what was in my mind.
Dame: No. Were you?
Jo: No. Just waiting for you.
Dame: That's OK. I was just a bit worried.
Jo: Do you want me to come over?
Dame: Yeah sure. But you better be ready how boring it will be when you get here. I'm kinda drowning of boredom already.
Jo: Maybe we could just take a walk outside. Look at the stars?
That sounded very weird, but i went out of my way of what's obvious and took a peek outside to see if there really were stars to look at. I chuckled when I saw what I expected... NONE.
Dame: Yeah we could think of something when you get here.
Jo: OK i'll be on my way in 15 minutes.
I met him at school after one of my class. I was cramming to get one of my reports printed so I looked for a computer shop around. He was seated in one of the rented desktop. We bumped into each other when we were both about to pay at the cashier. He introduced himself and told me that he lives in the same building. I was not paying much attention because i was too occupied in printing my late paper, but we exchanged digits just before i ran to catch my professor.
It had been 2 weeks since that first meet up and I don't have any idea why i felt too excited in seeing him again.
Time seemed to run fast when i received a message that he's already at the lobby and was waiting for me. I grabbed my keys and phone and hurriedly went to the elevator to meet him outside.
Dame: Hey you.
Jo: Hi. So where do you want to go?
Dame: It's Monday morning. I have no idea where we could hang out.
Jo: We could go to my place. There's a bar there where we could just have a few drinks.
My mind was blank for a moment.
Dame: I've got an idea.
I grabbed his arm and led him to the street corner and I hailed a cab.
Jo: Where are we going?
Dame: Don't ask. It's going to be good. Trust me.
I grinned a little.
The driver dropped us off Salcedo Park. I lived in one of the flats around that park before. It still has the nostalgic feeling of solitude and calm. The yellow light that poured from the light posts around the park drowned me with so much of the past that i had to pause to get my self ready.
Jo: This is nice.
Dame: I used to live around here. I usually wake up early in the morning to jog around. It's funny because usually this place is filled with dogs that the tenants walk around.
Jo: Lets go to that bench.
We comfortably sat on the bench at the middle of the park.
Time began to tick slowly. The air around us swirled in slow motion that i noticed each speck of dust fly by, dancing to a slow beat. Small talk was the only thing that came between us but it seem that it was the only thing that we need at that time. We had our keys, wallet and phone placed in between us on the bench but he suddenly gathered them and placed them on top of the back rest of the seat to make room.
Jo: Do you want to rest your head on my lap?
He said and I froze.
Dame: No.
But my body did the contrary and lay down on his lap. The stone bench was cold but I haven't felt warmer than ever. He started singing a song i haven't heard before.
Jo: Do you know that song?
Dame: No. I'm sorry but it sounds nice.
His face blocked most on my sight of the sky. There were still stars early that morning and I thought that the moment was perfect.
Jo: Hey. Tell me something.
Dame: I don't know what to say.
Jo: Ask me anything.
I wanted to ask him why he hadn't messaged me until now. It has been 2 weeks. I wanted to ask him if he were seeing somebody else but it doesn't seem appropriate. I wanted to know but I couldn't gather my courage to ask.
Dame: I don't know what to ask. You ask my anything.
Jo: Why haven't you messaged me? I thought you weren't interested.
My heart leaped again. He was thinking the same thoughts that I have.
Dame: I don't know. I was busy with work and school. Were you waiting for my message?
Jo: Yes I was. It's been two weeks. Were you seeing some one else then?
It's like he's reading what was in my mind.
Dame: No. Were you?
Jo: No. Just waiting for you.
who hates ice cream???
The cab pulled around the rotunda parking in front of the building entrance. I was late. I ran passed the two security guards and went right in the first elevator that was about to open.
BAM!!!
Dame: I'm sorry.
As i turned around i had a glimpse of a tall man in gray sweatshirt before ii pushed the button number 25 for my floor.
************************
I scrambled out of my bed and went straight to the bathroom to take the quickest shower I could do.
LATE!
AGAIN!
I found myself running up the escalators 15 minutes later. I sometimes surprise myself. I walked in my Business Law class finding out that the professor was a Dean of some remote school.
Prof: Please fill out the class form Mr... ?
Dame: Gonzalez. Engineer Gonzalez.
It was our first meeting in this class. Everybody introduced themselves. Some were obviously way older than I am, some not so old but pretty much have a background of this subject. While I am oblivious of what an Engineering Graduate is doing here taking Law Courses.
The whole 3hours and 15 minutes was grueling. It was cold. The professor kept on talking and talking about stuff, half of it I didn't even bother understanding, while everybody seem amazed of his wisdom. To make it worse, my bladder is about to explode and since I'm late I didn't have the courage to ask permission to go out.
The bell rang and swiftly as i got out of bed 4 hours ago, I dashed outside and straight to the bathroom.
Clarence: HEY!!!
Dame: Oh I'm sorry...
Clarence: So you're like that all the time huh?
Dame: Huh? What?
I didn't had time digesting what he said. I went straight to the cubicle and unzipped my pants. While I unloaded all the piss in my bladder I suddenly remembered him. I quickly fixed myself and tried to run after him. I needed to apologize.
I saw him went inside the lift and so i tried to catch up and crammed myself in.
Dame: You're my classmate in Business Law, right?
Clarence: Yes
Dame: I'm sorry the last time and this time. I forgot all about it.
Clarence: Well it seems that that's not the only thing you forgot.
He looked straight at my crotch and I noticed that I left my fly open.
BLUSH!!!
Most of my classmates in the elevator saw and held in the most obvious giggle and tried to keep the subtle burst of laughter to themselves.
Dame: I think we're even.
I held out my hand and gestured for a handshake.
Clarence: You sure you washed after?
Another subtle burst came inside the elevator.
Dame: Now you owe me.
The door opened and I got out as quickly as I could and walked towards the building lobby.
Clarence: Hey! Wait up. I'm sorry.
Dame: Nah! That's Ok. I Think I deserve that.
Clarence: Well, since I owe you. You want to grab something to eat? I know this persian resto that has the best shawarma in the city.
Dame: I don't usually go out with strangers.
Clarence: Well I guess I have to take a risk and shake your hand. I'm Clarence. This is my second year in Business School.
Dame: Damianne. It's only my second term.
I reached for his hand and an hour later we were eating at this persian restaurant and I'm having the best ground lamb I've had in years.
******************************
Clarence: Tell me. What food can't you live without?
I got a text message from him five days after we first introduced ourselves.
Dame: I don't know... I think "ICE CREAM"?
Clarence: Great! It just so happen that I have two pints here at home.
Dame: Nah! It's late and I have work tomorrow.
Clarence: What do you mean it's late? It's only 8pm. Come on. I don't want to finish this all by myself.
Dame: Ok... Ok... I'll be there in 15 minutes.
He lives four blocks away from my place. I was nearing his building when I saw him waiting at the corner.
Dame: What are you doing outside?
Clarence: I changed my mind. I wanted to have dinner. Come on.
Dame: But I already had dinner.
Clarence: Well, we'll think of something to eat.
He suddenly grabbed my hand and hailed a cab.
We ate at a resto-bar in Makati. He ordered a lot and finished everything. I ordered ice cream which came out to be too much for me so I asked him if he could help me finish it.
Clarence: No. That's for you. You love ice cream right?
Dame: I do. But i'm already full. I could finish a whole gallon but not this fast. I usually eat slowly while watching Sex and the City Marathon.
He gave a roaring laugh. I didn't understand why he did that. There's nothing funny in what I said.
Clarence: Alright.
We digged in and finished the serving.
*****************************
Clarence: I got ice cream! Wanna come over?
Dame: I had dinner already.
Clarence: I said ice cream.
Dame: You stay there ok. I'll come over.
I don't know if it's the ice cream or the thought of seeing him again which excites me.
I trembled a bit, going up in his room. The smell of vanilla scent filled the air. I knocked three times and he opened the door.
Clarence: Hi. I got DVDs.
Dame: Great!
We ate ice cream while watching Brothers and Sisters. I was starting to feel cold with all the ice cream and the breeze of the AC chilling the air around us. He slid his hands at my nape and started massaging the back of my neck. It felt warm and safe.
Clarence: I'm going to the bathroom. Be right back.
And he kissed my forehead.
??????
He left me wondering what that meant. I didn't know what to think.
Dame: Ummmm... Clarence. Where's the remote?
Clarence: It's in the drawer beside you.
I pulled the drawer and saw the remote and a picture in a frame. It was Clarence carrying a baby and if I was not mistaken, looks totally like him. Beside him is a woman, around his age, hugging him and the baby.
I was thrown into a state of intense desperation, of sudden panic. I didn't know what to do or what to think.
He came back as soon as I shut closed the drawer.
Clarence: Did you find it?
Dame: Huh? What?
Clarence: The remote.
Dame: Oh yeah. I did.
I needed to ask. I needed to know.
Dame: I need to go home. It's late. Have work early tomorrow.
Clarence: Huh?
I grabbed my keys and rushed towards the door. He caught my arm on my way out and pulled me to his chest and hugged me tight.
Clarence: I'll see you in class on Monday.
*******************************
Monday Business class was just an hour away. I felt tensed not because i hated the subject but because i'm about to see Clarence again. I was 15 minutes late as usual and the class already had started.
Clarence: I wanted to write your name in our group but i think somebody already did.
Dame: Ummmm... Thank you?
He grinned and picked a seat that would be at far proximity from me. I got annoyed by that. The whole 3hours of class was excruciating. The professor was blabbering the whole time and all I did was to take momentary glimpses of Clarence. He had this deep groany laugh that vibrated and crept through the floor. It excited me and at the same time depressed me.
Finally the class came to an end and I noticed a girl waiting outside the room. Sure enough I knew who she was. She looked very familiar. She looked like the woman in the picture. I had to know who she is. I had to go there and ask her.
I waited for Clarence to get up his seat and hed towards the door and then i slipped passed him and tried as hard as i could to intentionally bump him.
Dame: Oooops. Excuse me.
Clarence: Hey! That's just like you when you left the other night.
Dame: I'm sorry.
The girl went up to us and smiled
Clarence: Dame. This is my sister Nikka.
Nikka: Hi Dame.
It's like the gates of heaven shone above me and I swear I could almost hear the angels sing.
Nikka: I haven't had dinner bro. Let's grab something to eat.
She looked at me and paused.
Nikka: Hey Dame. You wanna join us for dinner?
Dame: Sure.
I hated myself for answering too fast to her invite. I hoped it wasn't that obvious.
Dame: Ummm... And let's have ice cream after. Right Clarence?!
Nikka: Hahahaha... Bro doesn't eat ice cream. He hates it. Hahaha.
Her laughter lingered for a while in my ears but what stuck in my head was...
"HE HATES ICE CREAM...???"
BAM!!!
Dame: I'm sorry.
As i turned around i had a glimpse of a tall man in gray sweatshirt before ii pushed the button number 25 for my floor.
************************
I scrambled out of my bed and went straight to the bathroom to take the quickest shower I could do.
LATE!
AGAIN!
I found myself running up the escalators 15 minutes later. I sometimes surprise myself. I walked in my Business Law class finding out that the professor was a Dean of some remote school.
Prof: Please fill out the class form Mr... ?
Dame: Gonzalez. Engineer Gonzalez.
It was our first meeting in this class. Everybody introduced themselves. Some were obviously way older than I am, some not so old but pretty much have a background of this subject. While I am oblivious of what an Engineering Graduate is doing here taking Law Courses.
The whole 3hours and 15 minutes was grueling. It was cold. The professor kept on talking and talking about stuff, half of it I didn't even bother understanding, while everybody seem amazed of his wisdom. To make it worse, my bladder is about to explode and since I'm late I didn't have the courage to ask permission to go out.
The bell rang and swiftly as i got out of bed 4 hours ago, I dashed outside and straight to the bathroom.
Clarence: HEY!!!
Dame: Oh I'm sorry...
Clarence: So you're like that all the time huh?
Dame: Huh? What?
I didn't had time digesting what he said. I went straight to the cubicle and unzipped my pants. While I unloaded all the piss in my bladder I suddenly remembered him. I quickly fixed myself and tried to run after him. I needed to apologize.
I saw him went inside the lift and so i tried to catch up and crammed myself in.
Dame: You're my classmate in Business Law, right?
Clarence: Yes
Dame: I'm sorry the last time and this time. I forgot all about it.
Clarence: Well it seems that that's not the only thing you forgot.
He looked straight at my crotch and I noticed that I left my fly open.
BLUSH!!!
Most of my classmates in the elevator saw and held in the most obvious giggle and tried to keep the subtle burst of laughter to themselves.
Dame: I think we're even.
I held out my hand and gestured for a handshake.
Clarence: You sure you washed after?
Another subtle burst came inside the elevator.
Dame: Now you owe me.
The door opened and I got out as quickly as I could and walked towards the building lobby.
Clarence: Hey! Wait up. I'm sorry.
Dame: Nah! That's Ok. I Think I deserve that.
Clarence: Well, since I owe you. You want to grab something to eat? I know this persian resto that has the best shawarma in the city.
Dame: I don't usually go out with strangers.
Clarence: Well I guess I have to take a risk and shake your hand. I'm Clarence. This is my second year in Business School.
Dame: Damianne. It's only my second term.
I reached for his hand and an hour later we were eating at this persian restaurant and I'm having the best ground lamb I've had in years.
**************************
Clarence: Tell me. What food can't you live without?
I got a text message from him five days after we first introduced ourselves.
Dame: I don't know... I think "ICE CREAM"?
Clarence: Great! It just so happen that I have two pints here at home.
Dame: Nah! It's late and I have work tomorrow.
Clarence: What do you mean it's late? It's only 8pm. Come on. I don't want to finish this all by myself.
Dame: Ok... Ok... I'll be there in 15 minutes.
He lives four blocks away from my place. I was nearing his building when I saw him waiting at the corner.
Dame: What are you doing outside?
Clarence: I changed my mind. I wanted to have dinner. Come on.
Dame: But I already had dinner.
Clarence: Well, we'll think of something to eat.
He suddenly grabbed my hand and hailed a cab.
We ate at a resto-bar in Makati. He ordered a lot and finished everything. I ordered ice cream which came out to be too much for me so I asked him if he could help me finish it.
Clarence: No. That's for you. You love ice cream right?
Dame: I do. But i'm already full. I could finish a whole gallon but not this fast. I usually eat slowly while watching Sex and the City Marathon.
He gave a roaring laugh. I didn't understand why he did that. There's nothing funny in what I said.
Clarence: Alright.
We digged in and finished the serving.
**************************
Clarence: I got ice cream! Wanna come over?
Dame: I had dinner already.
Clarence: I said ice cream.
Dame: You stay there ok. I'll come over.
I don't know if it's the ice cream or the thought of seeing him again which excites me.
I trembled a bit, going up in his room. The smell of vanilla scent filled the air. I knocked three times and he opened the door.
Clarence: Hi. I got DVDs.
Dame: Great!
We ate ice cream while watching Brothers and Sisters. I was starting to feel cold with all the ice cream and the breeze of the AC chilling the air around us. He slid his hands at my nape and started massaging the back of my neck. It felt warm and safe.
Clarence: I'm going to the bathroom. Be right back.
And he kissed my forehead.
??????
He left me wondering what that meant. I didn't know what to think.
Dame: Ummmm... Clarence. Where's the remote?
Clarence: It's in the drawer beside you.
I pulled the drawer and saw the remote and a picture in a frame. It was Clarence carrying a baby and if I was not mistaken, looks totally like him. Beside him is a woman, around his age, hugging him and the baby.
I was thrown into a state of intense desperation, of sudden panic. I didn't know what to do or what to think.
He came back as soon as I shut closed the drawer.
Clarence: Did you find it?
Dame: Huh? What?
Clarence: The remote.
Dame: Oh yeah. I did.
I needed to ask. I needed to know.
Dame: I need to go home. It's late. Have work early tomorrow.
Clarence: Huh?
I grabbed my keys and rushed towards the door. He caught my arm on my way out and pulled me to his chest and hugged me tight.
Clarence: I'll see you in class on Monday.
**************************
Monday Business class was just an hour away. I felt tensed not because i hated the subject but because i'm about to see Clarence again. I was 15 minutes late as usual and the class already had started.
Clarence: I wanted to write your name in our group but i think somebody already did.
Dame: Ummmm... Thank you?
He grinned and picked a seat that would be at far proximity from me. I got annoyed by that. The whole 3hours of class was excruciating. The professor was blabbering the whole time and all I did was to take momentary glimpses of Clarence. He had this deep groany laugh that vibrated and crept through the floor. It excited me and at the same time depressed me.
Finally the class came to an end and I noticed a girl waiting outside the room. Sure enough I knew who she was. She looked very familiar. She looked like the woman in the picture. I had to know who she is. I had to go there and ask her.
I waited for Clarence to get up his seat and hed towards the door and then i slipped passed him and tried as hard as i could to intentionally bump him.
Dame: Oooops. Excuse me.
Clarence: Hey! That's just like you when you left the other night.
Dame: I'm sorry.
The girl went up to us and smiled
Clarence: Dame. This is my sister Nikka.
Nikka: Hi Dame.
It's like the gates of heaven shone above me and I swear I could almost hear the angels sing.
Nikka: I haven't had dinner bro. Let's grab something to eat.
She looked at me and paused.
Nikka: Hey Dame. You wanna join us for dinner?
Dame: Sure.
I hated myself for answering too fast to her invite. I hoped it wasn't that obvious.
Dame: Ummm... And let's have ice cream after. Right Clarence?!
Nikka: Hahahaha... Bro doesn't eat ice cream. He hates it. Hahaha.
Her laughter lingered for a while in my ears but what stuck in my head was...
"HE HATES ICE CREAM...???"
taking care of my grandmum...
it's been a while since i last went home... i've been busy with a lot of work and school... but i finally decided to visit... i found my little sister and my grandmum there... grandmum has been bed ridden for almost 6 months now since she had a minor accident when she slipped and cracked her pelvic bone... for a person in her 20's the healing process of a broken bone takes much faster but my grandmum is 89 years old and it took 3 months in intensive care and a major operation to fix the broken pelvis... the doctor said what they usually do is to patch the bone with titanium alloy and that's what they did...
i didn't realize how much reality those TV series about doctors were happening inl life until that time... my family have been through really rough times but this one beats them all... becuase it's my grandmum that we are talking about...
i saw her lying on her side...
dame: lola... i'm home...
gran: alex ¿está eso usted?
dame: si
gran: ¿puede usted conseguirme el agua?
dame: si
i saw her reaching for something and so i took her hand... it was still the soft hands that i could remember who pats me on the back when i was a little boy... they were still the hands that held my nape so i could go to a sound sleep... her voice still is the sound that comforts me in my childhood... it seems that she's still my beautiful old grandmum but seems to be so different now...
dame: abuela. aquà está el agua.
gran: garcias.
i went to the kitchen and prepared a food for the both of us and as i ate i also fed her slowly while i told her everything that happened to my life that she missed... i wanted it to feel like what it felt before... a time not that far back... when all of us would sit around the table and eat and talk about everything that happen in our lives... it was like i'm reading to her my blog everyday... and she remembers everything i tell her... from the stories about school to the petty fights i had with crazy classmates... her bed was totally different... she might not remember anything i said... but it felt exactly the same...
dame: lola. le daré un baño.
she smiled. i prepared a basin of hot water with alcohol and a sponge. i tried to remember how she did it when i was young. while i kept on running around the bathroom butt naked while she tried to catch me and keep me still. i tried to remember how she would softly rub my back and sud my hair with shampoo. i remembered how she did it and now it's time for me to give back the favor... not because she did a great job before... not because she can't do it herself... but because for the very same reason she gave me a bath everyday when i was little... she loved me and i love her...
i didn't realize how much reality those TV series about doctors were happening inl life until that time... my family have been through really rough times but this one beats them all... becuase it's my grandmum that we are talking about...
i saw her lying on her side...
dame: lola... i'm home...
gran: alex ¿está eso usted?
dame: si
gran: ¿puede usted conseguirme el agua?
dame: si
i saw her reaching for something and so i took her hand... it was still the soft hands that i could remember who pats me on the back when i was a little boy... they were still the hands that held my nape so i could go to a sound sleep... her voice still is the sound that comforts me in my childhood... it seems that she's still my beautiful old grandmum but seems to be so different now...
dame: abuela. aquà está el agua.
gran: garcias.
i went to the kitchen and prepared a food for the both of us and as i ate i also fed her slowly while i told her everything that happened to my life that she missed... i wanted it to feel like what it felt before... a time not that far back... when all of us would sit around the table and eat and talk about everything that happen in our lives... it was like i'm reading to her my blog everyday... and she remembers everything i tell her... from the stories about school to the petty fights i had with crazy classmates... her bed was totally different... she might not remember anything i said... but it felt exactly the same...
dame: lola. le daré un baño.
she smiled. i prepared a basin of hot water with alcohol and a sponge. i tried to remember how she did it when i was young. while i kept on running around the bathroom butt naked while she tried to catch me and keep me still. i tried to remember how she would softly rub my back and sud my hair with shampoo. i remembered how she did it and now it's time for me to give back the favor... not because she did a great job before... not because she can't do it herself... but because for the very same reason she gave me a bath everyday when i was little... she loved me and i love her...
Friday, May 29, 2009
spending a night with rambunctious classmates!!!
after extremely preparing for what i'm going to wear for this much awaited Business Law Presentation in school... i didn't realize how much more than what i'm going to put on will be the butt of all the happenings of this dreaded report... for one... i have prepared a list of possible suits that would either make or break the whole feel of professionalism... so i went for a classic dolce pin stripe 3-button black suit... and then since i've spent most of my time deciding on what suit to wear i only had a day to shop for the long-sleeves and a scrumpy neck tie... i got myself a gray and while vertical stripes shirt in armani exchange and a diagonal black and white striped tie in banana republic... (so i was in stripes on stripes... where did i here that one before????)
and then for the report itself, which took me lesser time to prepare for than the actual get-up (so... typical...) i drudged my sick and hypo-ventilating friend to be the clown in one of the dramatization movie clip that is going to be the ice-breaker of the very serious matter of our discussion...
all set...
the report flowed as planned... but not as boring as i expected... then it came to my mind how competitive these nincompoops are, so the group decided on impulse to begin a debate... which made the class rise with enthusiasm...
so at this point... which is the juice of the blog... i hope anybody who reads this with an IQ level above the average stupid person can react on what they think is the better side...
The question is... IS MINIMUM WAGE LAW A GOOD OR BAD LAW?
well... i'm only going to discuss my side of the argument... hehehehe
first thing is that, i gave an example to the class... here it goes...
this is for people who like higher minimum wage...
if you were a company that fills balloons with carbon dioxide and you wanted to outsource this service having to choose between man power in Cebu and man power in Zamboanga... we all know that Cebu has a higher minimum wage than Zamboanga... where would you outsource the blowing of balloons??? (to people who's still with me and who obviously should have a goal to profit... you would go for the place where a lower minimum wage governs... good for Zamboanga... bad for Cebu...)
if this would be in an international scale... you could now understand why CHINA is getting to be a scary competitor in manual labor... one thing there are too many chinese (i've heard that if all chinese in china jumped at the same time, they could create a tidal wave that could engulf the whole of California... hmmm... talk about secret weapon!) next would be they have cheap labor... just imagine if the chinese would be as fluent in english as the Filipinos are... GOODBYE CALL CENTER INDUSTRY!!!!!
now... this is for people who like lower minimum wage...
if we try to make the minimum wage lower... this is what would usually happen... a simple saleslady in a department store, a guy who sells TAHO, an ironing lady working for a laudry shop and a simple computer science graduate working as an encoder... MAY ALL HAVE THE SAME WAGES!!!! is that fair????
so the group stand is that... high or low minimum wage does not give the proper economic logic as to how commodities should bought or sold... the only and un-debatable way to determine how much labor would cost is by using the LAW OF SUPPLY AND DEMAND... stating that for anything that has a high demand... a higher price should be put on it... and for anything that has low demand... a lower price should be put on it... anything that has an abundant supply a lower cost should be on top of it and anything that is scare a higher price should be on top of it...
very realistic and very logical...
well... everybody in class seem to be more sympathetic and sentimental on their way of thinking... looking at humanity and morals and human rights... blah blah blah...
i say if we pretend that we are taking care of Filipinos by spoon feeding them of what they want... then we can never move to the next step... we're doing more bad than good... the only way to make these people work and think of their lives is when we teach them how to live and not to tolerate how they suck the life force out of other people's effort and money...
bottom line, you should earn your money...
and then for the report itself, which took me lesser time to prepare for than the actual get-up (so... typical...) i drudged my sick and hypo-ventilating friend to be the clown in one of the dramatization movie clip that is going to be the ice-breaker of the very serious matter of our discussion...
all set...
the report flowed as planned... but not as boring as i expected... then it came to my mind how competitive these nincompoops are, so the group decided on impulse to begin a debate... which made the class rise with enthusiasm...
so at this point... which is the juice of the blog... i hope anybody who reads this with an IQ level above the average stupid person can react on what they think is the better side...
The question is... IS MINIMUM WAGE LAW A GOOD OR BAD LAW?
well... i'm only going to discuss my side of the argument... hehehehe
first thing is that, i gave an example to the class... here it goes...
this is for people who like higher minimum wage...
if you were a company that fills balloons with carbon dioxide and you wanted to outsource this service having to choose between man power in Cebu and man power in Zamboanga... we all know that Cebu has a higher minimum wage than Zamboanga... where would you outsource the blowing of balloons??? (to people who's still with me and who obviously should have a goal to profit... you would go for the place where a lower minimum wage governs... good for Zamboanga... bad for Cebu...)
if this would be in an international scale... you could now understand why CHINA is getting to be a scary competitor in manual labor... one thing there are too many chinese (i've heard that if all chinese in china jumped at the same time, they could create a tidal wave that could engulf the whole of California... hmmm... talk about secret weapon!) next would be they have cheap labor... just imagine if the chinese would be as fluent in english as the Filipinos are... GOODBYE CALL CENTER INDUSTRY!!!!!
now... this is for people who like lower minimum wage...
if we try to make the minimum wage lower... this is what would usually happen... a simple saleslady in a department store, a guy who sells TAHO, an ironing lady working for a laudry shop and a simple computer science graduate working as an encoder... MAY ALL HAVE THE SAME WAGES!!!! is that fair????
so the group stand is that... high or low minimum wage does not give the proper economic logic as to how commodities should bought or sold... the only and un-debatable way to determine how much labor would cost is by using the LAW OF SUPPLY AND DEMAND... stating that for anything that has a high demand... a higher price should be put on it... and for anything that has low demand... a lower price should be put on it... anything that has an abundant supply a lower cost should be on top of it and anything that is scare a higher price should be on top of it...
very realistic and very logical...
well... everybody in class seem to be more sympathetic and sentimental on their way of thinking... looking at humanity and morals and human rights... blah blah blah...
i say if we pretend that we are taking care of Filipinos by spoon feeding them of what they want... then we can never move to the next step... we're doing more bad than good... the only way to make these people work and think of their lives is when we teach them how to live and not to tolerate how they suck the life force out of other people's effort and money...
bottom line, you should earn your money...
damianne... do you have a boyfriend??? argh!!!!
so it started with the most boring holloween party i've ever since the birth of the damn occasion... got a friend who invited me over to this party in manila... i think this is the 3rd holloween stint i've attended to this year... he told me it's going to start at 9pm so i decided to be a bit late just to make sure that it's already pumped up... but behold... i was the second guy who got there... WTF!!!
the place was a bit dark... they made it that way to make room for the revolving lights and flashing flood lamps... it was quite cool at first but then this really old guy who looks like the CRYPT KEEPER!!! (reminds me of jamie lee curtis in freaky friday) who suddenly took control of the music and popped in a horrific 70's or 80's rave disco (i dont know what the hell you call it) music!!! and everybody seemed nostalgic and started to have fun...
again WTF!!!!????
so like the little ole me... i pretended to be polite and just smiled my way through the night... and with 5 shots of tequila (which is the answer to all the world's questions...) the night because more and more bearable...
and there's this cute guy who offered his services...
to drop me home... bwahahaha... (you dirty little perverts!!!!)
so that's the friday well spent... geeezzzz...
i woke up really late the next day... around 2:30 in the afternoon... i got tons of messages in my phone and one of them reminded me that some of my MBA classmates where about to go to my place to finalize our report that's the due the following monday... i got up as soon as everything sank in my brains and took a quick shower... a couple of hours later two of my girl group mates were knocking at my door...
they brought pizza and pasta!!! (heaven sent these two over grown angels...) so the meal i was having a problem thinking where to get just dropped by my place... hehehehe...
so after the meal we started brianstorming and made revisions and tweaked the powerpoint presentation we were about to give in class... and then one of them asked me something that made my weekend of weirdness complete...
girl 1: ummm... she's about to ask you something dame...
dame: what about?
girl 2: i'm kinda shy to ask...
OMG!!! i have this gut feeling i know what was about to come out of those perky little mouth of that girl...
OKAY... rewind!!! lemme give you a bit of background... i'm usually not out to strangers... i mean, if they ask me i would certainly not deny my being gay... but as long as i'm not fucking you... it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS... and most of my MBA classmate either doesn't have a clue or they just too polite to assume... CONTROVERSIAL is the exact word for it... and it's beginning to get old!!!
going back to the story...
dame: what is it?
girl 2: do you have a boyfriend?
i was on the verge of bursting out my silliest laugh... but thank got i got control of my self and answered back with some may think made the CONTROVERSY even worse!
dame: nope... why are you planning on something?
there a moment of silence and work on the project just resumed... talk about weird people just appearing from no where... i mean... come on!!! of all people i thought these MBA classmates of mine where smarter than the rest of the young working class in manila... i thought they were the ones who could get away with anything so subtly you'll never know what hit you...
but this was too lame... and that made me a bit frustrated... they could have just directly asked... "DAME ARE YOU GAY?" there end of story... a simple yes or no would clear the dense air that has been clouding them ever since day one in our class... and for the love of G!!!! a question like that just being thrown in the air just to appease their freaking curiosity is way to... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS to me... (well... it's a different story if a cute guy would ask me that... hahahaha... come on... give me a break!!!)
end of it all... i cant do anything as of now because we need to work as a team and anything resembling to frustration and resentment might risk our team some precious Business Law grades...
i guess they finally decided to say sorry when they left the rest of the pizza and pasta with me... so after they left i've been munching them the whole saturday night...
i just can't wait to see them again on monday... i'm just eager to see how the rumors will spread... RUMORS??? i mean... FACTS will spread... hihihihi...
the place was a bit dark... they made it that way to make room for the revolving lights and flashing flood lamps... it was quite cool at first but then this really old guy who looks like the CRYPT KEEPER!!! (reminds me of jamie lee curtis in freaky friday) who suddenly took control of the music and popped in a horrific 70's or 80's rave disco (i dont know what the hell you call it) music!!! and everybody seemed nostalgic and started to have fun...
again WTF!!!!????
so like the little ole me... i pretended to be polite and just smiled my way through the night... and with 5 shots of tequila (which is the answer to all the world's questions...) the night because more and more bearable...
and there's this cute guy who offered his services...
to drop me home... bwahahaha... (you dirty little perverts!!!!)
so that's the friday well spent... geeezzzz...
i woke up really late the next day... around 2:30 in the afternoon... i got tons of messages in my phone and one of them reminded me that some of my MBA classmates where about to go to my place to finalize our report that's the due the following monday... i got up as soon as everything sank in my brains and took a quick shower... a couple of hours later two of my girl group mates were knocking at my door...
they brought pizza and pasta!!! (heaven sent these two over grown angels...) so the meal i was having a problem thinking where to get just dropped by my place... hehehehe...
so after the meal we started brianstorming and made revisions and tweaked the powerpoint presentation we were about to give in class... and then one of them asked me something that made my weekend of weirdness complete...
girl 1: ummm... she's about to ask you something dame...
dame: what about?
girl 2: i'm kinda shy to ask...
OMG!!! i have this gut feeling i know what was about to come out of those perky little mouth of that girl...
OKAY... rewind!!! lemme give you a bit of background... i'm usually not out to strangers... i mean, if they ask me i would certainly not deny my being gay... but as long as i'm not fucking you... it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS... and most of my MBA classmate either doesn't have a clue or they just too polite to assume... CONTROVERSIAL is the exact word for it... and it's beginning to get old!!!
going back to the story...
dame: what is it?
girl 2: do you have a boyfriend?
i was on the verge of bursting out my silliest laugh... but thank got i got control of my self and answered back with some may think made the CONTROVERSY even worse!
dame: nope... why are you planning on something?
there a moment of silence and work on the project just resumed... talk about weird people just appearing from no where... i mean... come on!!! of all people i thought these MBA classmates of mine where smarter than the rest of the young working class in manila... i thought they were the ones who could get away with anything so subtly you'll never know what hit you...
but this was too lame... and that made me a bit frustrated... they could have just directly asked... "DAME ARE YOU GAY?" there end of story... a simple yes or no would clear the dense air that has been clouding them ever since day one in our class... and for the love of G!!!! a question like that just being thrown in the air just to appease their freaking curiosity is way to... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS to me... (well... it's a different story if a cute guy would ask me that... hahahaha... come on... give me a break!!!)
end of it all... i cant do anything as of now because we need to work as a team and anything resembling to frustration and resentment might risk our team some precious Business Law grades...
i guess they finally decided to say sorry when they left the rest of the pizza and pasta with me... so after they left i've been munching them the whole saturday night...
i just can't wait to see them again on monday... i'm just eager to see how the rumors will spread... RUMORS??? i mean... FACTS will spread... hihihihi...
this year's all hollows eve...
the day was as boring as any other working day... needed to complete projects that were pending and had to talk to oblivious project managers along the way... then i got an e-mail from one of my business professors in school asking us to answer this trivia game that she's giving away that would PROBABLY... lemme repeat that... probably give us extra freaking points... so i got around 3 sure bets... lemme see... there's carrie, then what lies beneath and gothika... some popular horror movies... i mean... no offense to the "POPULAR" part but i'm a fan of slasher movies... the more gooowie blood splashed around the place the better...
we still have a few hours to go to submit our guesses... sigh... boring...
then i had to go to the yearly CREAM party of BIGFISH... not really a big fan... all those straight people... just even thinking about it makes me itchy and start to get hives... (itchy...itchy...itchy...) it just so happen that one of my classmates in MBA was one of the owners or founders or employee of BIGFISH... not really sure... again i was initially not interested... so everybody in class wanted to support the event that was a yearly flop for the production company (i don't know why they keep on doing this EVERY YEAR!!!!)
so after work... had dinner in greenbelt with a friend... who's dying to see what i'm going to wear... well let's admit it... like REGINA GEORGE and the rest of the MEAN GIRLS... holloween is the time of year that anybody can wear something slutty and not be considered a total whore... maybe just a little...
and the transformation began... starting from my suede doll shoes... knee high socks... yellow and white checkered pleated skirt... a white hanging sailor collared shirt... a leather back pack and a shoulder length pitch black wig... all combined together would create the image of an innocent high school girl... yummy!!!!
i gathered all my guts to even muster the thought of it and finally came to the party... it was a mixture of total embarrassment and extreme excitement...
well... i'm mostly embarrassed so i took the "get up" off 2 hours after hiding in a spot where the beating lights doesnt reach...
argh!!!! same old same old parties... just like last year and the year before that...
met a couple of hotties in the party... usually straight one... NOT INTERESTED! then i was introduce to some celebrities... that i'm fully unaware that they were... (I DON'T WATCH LOCAL TV)
had a few drinks... danced a little... and went straight home and into the SACK!!!
argh!!!! same old same old... just like last year and the year before that...
we still have a few hours to go to submit our guesses... sigh... boring...
then i had to go to the yearly CREAM party of BIGFISH... not really a big fan... all those straight people... just even thinking about it makes me itchy and start to get hives... (itchy...itchy...itchy...)
so after work... had dinner in greenbelt with a friend... who's dying to see what i'm going to wear... well let's admit it... like REGINA GEORGE and the rest of the MEAN GIRLS... holloween is the time of year that anybody can wear something slutty and not be considered a total whore... maybe just a little...
and the transformation began... starting from my suede doll shoes... knee high socks... yellow and white checkered pleated skirt... a white hanging sailor collared shirt... a leather back pack and a shoulder length pitch black wig... all combined together would create the image of an innocent high school girl... yummy!!!!
i gathered all my guts to even muster the thought of it and finally came to the party... it was a mixture of total embarrassment and extreme excitement...
well... i'm mostly embarrassed so i took the "get up" off 2 hours after hiding in a spot where the beating lights doesnt reach...
argh!!!! same old same old parties... just like last year and the year before that...
met a couple of hotties in the party... usually straight one... NOT INTERESTED! then i was introduce to some celebrities... that i'm fully unaware that they were... (I DON'T WATCH LOCAL TV)
had a few drinks... danced a little... and went straight home and into the SACK!!!
argh!!!! same old same old... just like last year and the year before that...
Thursday, May 28, 2009
name that tune...
... 7:00 am ...
the sun was about to peek thru the morning clouds when i started to feel sleepy... i buried myself into the sheets of my bed and in a moment i floated to a tired slumber...
... i found myself in a room...small...damped and i heard a voice...
"you know where you are... do you?" the sound seem to come from all the four walls that enclosed that small place... at the background was a melody... i recognize the sound... seems like a song...
the door was in front of me... i tried to open it but i wouldn't nudge...
"if you want to get out you need to tell me the title of the song..." a trembling voice thundered through the walls... i began to breath heavily... im beginning to feel the rush inside me...the song was inside my head... i knew what i was... then the door opened...i found myself in another room... there weren't any furniture inside, just another room...
"if you want to get out you need to tell me the title of the song..." the voice told me again... but i knew what it was... and the door of the bigger room opened...
then i went out and it got me into a hall way where i saw the voice... i saw the man who was telling me to guess the song... i ran like busted radio... it ran over and over... it started to hurt my head...
now i had no idea what it was... i started to feel sick... i felt dizzy... the room began to look crooked... and i realized that i was dreaming...
... 10:00am ...
i found myself lying on my side... i couldn't move my legs nor my hands... i felt i was trapped... my eyes rolled to see that i was in fact inside my own room... i took a deep breath and kicked myself into motion...
i got up at once and got into my jeans, took the keys of my room and hurriedly went out of the house to get some air...
... 12:00nn ...
i had all the ingredients ready... marinated beef... some cooking oil and a hot pan... i poured the oil on the pan and seared the meat... i tilted the pan a bit on the side and suddenly the flame jumped into the pan and burst into a big flare...
the sun was about to peek thru the morning clouds when i started to feel sleepy... i buried myself into the sheets of my bed and in a moment i floated to a tired slumber...
... i found myself in a room...small...damped and i heard a voice...
"you know where you are... do you?" the sound seem to come from all the four walls that enclosed that small place... at the background was a melody... i recognize the sound... seems like a song...
the door was in front of me... i tried to open it but i wouldn't nudge...
"if you want to get out you need to tell me the title of the song..." a trembling voice thundered through the walls... i began to breath heavily... im beginning to feel the rush inside me...the song was inside my head... i knew what i was... then the door opened...i found myself in another room... there weren't any furniture inside, just another room...
"if you want to get out you need to tell me the title of the song..." the voice told me again... but i knew what it was... and the door of the bigger room opened...
then i went out and it got me into a hall way where i saw the voice... i saw the man who was telling me to guess the song... i ran like busted radio... it ran over and over... it started to hurt my head...
now i had no idea what it was... i started to feel sick... i felt dizzy... the room began to look crooked... and i realized that i was dreaming...
... 10:00am ...
i found myself lying on my side... i couldn't move my legs nor my hands... i felt i was trapped... my eyes rolled to see that i was in fact inside my own room... i took a deep breath and kicked myself into motion...
i got up at once and got into my jeans, took the keys of my room and hurriedly went out of the house to get some air...
... 12:00nn ...
i had all the ingredients ready... marinated beef... some cooking oil and a hot pan... i poured the oil on the pan and seared the meat... i tilted the pan a bit on the side and suddenly the flame jumped into the pan and burst into a big flare...
i was kept speechless... my instinct told to reach for the switch and turn off the gas valve... and i did... but my roommate came rushing towards the pan and grabbed the handle... he was in total panic... the flame hasn't subsided and his frantic attempt to put it off just left him waving the flaming pan everywhere... my head was blank... all it could think of was how to get out of that room... thinking that any moment he could disgorge the scalding hot oil on me...
"if you want to get out you need to tell me the title of the song..." the man's voice suddenly popped inside my head... it was just like in my dream... but there was no sound that i could hear... just the swooshing blaze of the flame...
it wasn't that long when i opened the door near the sink and a rush of cold air stretched inside the room and in a blink the flame went out...
my roommate was still in shock...
i was still trying to figure out what the song was...
"if you want to get out you need to tell me the title of the song..." the man's voice suddenly popped inside my head... it was just like in my dream... but there was no sound that i could hear... just the swooshing blaze of the flame...
it wasn't that long when i opened the door near the sink and a rush of cold air stretched inside the room and in a blink the flame went out...
my roommate was still in shock...
i was still trying to figure out what the song was...
like ordinary people do...
"i wanted to give you something someday..." a light of certainty glimmered through the his eyes. "when I'm ready... i surely wanted to give you a ring."
his thoughts flowed like he was just talking to himself. within the lines i tried to absorb each word with sincerity and belief, but there was a tone, some sort of subtlety of the words he used that seemed so real yet a sign of caution has hung over its panorama.
i tried to reply to what he said but my breath seemed empty from a long sigh of disbelief. Someone said to me that it was impossible to put certainty in your own words much less to the words of others. At that time i contested and tried to disregard what seem a universal fact and i just made possible the certainties of my own words and thoughts to make myself believe and hope for the certainty of the things that i would hear from other people... from people i wanted to believe... from the people i love...
i smiled back at the promise that felt bittersweet but also gave out a blank look of exhaustion. i held his hands tight and i prayed that he felt the exact confusion that stirred in my mind. he didn't. he smiled back with the assurance that rested in all of his outward expressions and kissed me on the forehead ever so softly...
but that was almost 2 months ago...
now, everything that i hoped to believe in was just another person that passed by my life... another person who lived up to the expectation of everyone except my own, held my hand while predicting a future that evaporated in just one moment. no turning back, no confusions, no questions, not even a second thought of what if we could try to work things out, just a simple farewell that ordinary people do, without even thinking if we will ever cross each others path again.
"hi, i was thinking if i could borrow your back-pack this weekend." he asked after what seemed the longest stand by i ever encountered my entire life. "I'll be using it to get my things to my new place."
i don't know what he expects me to say. i don't know if he's aware that he was not just another person that passed by my life. i don't know if he has even the slightest idea that through the short course of us being together, i have fallen deeply in love with him, that even if he would promise me the stars at night i would blindly believe and will wait for him to pull them down for me.
"sure... you could get it tomorrow" i answered with my mind in a state of vacuity. i didnt realized ive been talking too much when i was halted when he cut me short of whatever desperate act of holding on to a conversation that i wanted to lead to something about our separation.
"thanks, ill just call you tomorrow. bye." a sturdy tone that passed through the ear piece of my phone lingered and with no turning back, with no confusion, with no other question, not even a second thought he just pressed the disconnect button to cut the line like ordinary people do.
his thoughts flowed like he was just talking to himself. within the lines i tried to absorb each word with sincerity and belief, but there was a tone, some sort of subtlety of the words he used that seemed so real yet a sign of caution has hung over its panorama.
i tried to reply to what he said but my breath seemed empty from a long sigh of disbelief. Someone said to me that it was impossible to put certainty in your own words much less to the words of others. At that time i contested and tried to disregard what seem a universal fact and i just made possible the certainties of my own words and thoughts to make myself believe and hope for the certainty of the things that i would hear from other people... from people i wanted to believe... from the people i love...
i smiled back at the promise that felt bittersweet but also gave out a blank look of exhaustion. i held his hands tight and i prayed that he felt the exact confusion that stirred in my mind. he didn't. he smiled back with the assurance that rested in all of his outward expressions and kissed me on the forehead ever so softly...
but that was almost 2 months ago...
now, everything that i hoped to believe in was just another person that passed by my life... another person who lived up to the expectation of everyone except my own, held my hand while predicting a future that evaporated in just one moment. no turning back, no confusions, no questions, not even a second thought of what if we could try to work things out, just a simple farewell that ordinary people do, without even thinking if we will ever cross each others path again.
"hi, i was thinking if i could borrow your back-pack this weekend." he asked after what seemed the longest stand by i ever encountered my entire life. "I'll be using it to get my things to my new place."
i don't know what he expects me to say. i don't know if he's aware that he was not just another person that passed by my life. i don't know if he has even the slightest idea that through the short course of us being together, i have fallen deeply in love with him, that even if he would promise me the stars at night i would blindly believe and will wait for him to pull them down for me.
"sure... you could get it tomorrow" i answered with my mind in a state of vacuity. i didnt realized ive been talking too much when i was halted when he cut me short of whatever desperate act of holding on to a conversation that i wanted to lead to something about our separation.
"thanks, ill just call you tomorrow. bye." a sturdy tone that passed through the ear piece of my phone lingered and with no turning back, with no confusion, with no other question, not even a second thought he just pressed the disconnect button to cut the line like ordinary people do.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
holding on to a little boy's life
Saturday - 10:45am
we finally arrived at the pier... the place was crowded, everyone was excited to get to the earliest boat to the beach... a guy approached us, trying to offer their boat transfer service but we bought the one that would leave in 15 minutes...
11:30am
i noticed a cute little kid, around 2 yrs old... he was wearing the coolest pair of shades and the hippest blue polo... i could see he was with his family... his yaya was holding him... he was the center of attention because of how cute he really is...
dame: look pam... ang cute nung baby... (look pam... look how cute the baby...)
pam: oo nga eh... (yes he is...)
we stared a couple of minutes more...
12:15pm
i stood up, stretching my back... we were in that boat for more than an hour but it seemed that we were still in the middle of the sea... everybody was anxious to step on the hot sand of the beach shore... and then the unimaginable happened...
something snapped... a big wave hit the opposite side of the boat... it rocked once and everything started to move in slow motion... i was still standing as the boat turned to one side, i can see people falling towards the side where the water gushed in... my eyes were fixed on the bunk where all the life vests were, i saw my bags being swallowed by the water but forgot about it when i grabbed one life vest... i had no time to put it on so i wrapped my arms around it and i froze in fear...
"this is how i'm going to die... this is it..." i consoled myself while i turned to look at the faint light above me... i felt the water rise up to my throat as the boat turned upside down... something pulled or pushed me up, i didn't know if it was the bouyant life vest or i kicked my way out of that unmerciful waters... the next thing i saw was an overturned boat with people screaming everywhere... and then my heart stopped when i tried looking for my friends but can't see any of them...
i stepped on the capsized boat and scanned the area... i cannot explain the relief i felt when i saw PAM behind me... i pulled her up the boat as she was struggling to be afloat...
dame: asan sila pam!!!??? (where are they pam)
pam: dame... ayun si arianne... (there's arianne)
i saw arianne and kris together... they were safe... but we were 5...
dame: pam... asan si marianne!!!??? (pam, where is marianne?)
my heart sank deep inside me... i could not imagine losing a friend that way... i scanned the area another time and i saw marianne holding for her life at one of the "katigs" (outrigger) that balances the boat... the big waves made the outrigger sink and rise and so does marianne...
dame: marianne... swim ka papunta dito sa ginta... (marianne, swim here in the middle)
marianne: di ako makalangoy dame!!! (i can't swim dame)
i could see the fear that over took her... she was stunned in every way... i gathered all my courage and counted to three before i let go of the boat to swim to get her... she took my hand and i guided her safely to the over turned boat... we were all safe... i held PAM's hands trying to understand what exactly happened that short five minutes along that thin line between life and death... and then i realize that it wasn't over...
that whole time i was just thinking of the five of us... i was just thinking that all of us should be safe... but i realized that we were not just five people in that boat... we were more than 50...
i heard somebody scream to the top of her faint breathing...
monica: tulungan niyo kami!!! may mga bata sa loob!!! (help us, there are children inside)
horror filled my whole body when i realized that the capsized boat held inside it the other passengers who didn't make it out of the water... i remembered the little cute baby with his shades on... the 3 other kids that was with him... my head began to hurt... fighting with reason and what seem to be any way that i could help... when you have already saved yourself and your loved ones, you can't stop there and stand waiting for a miracle to happen... we were in the middle of the sea and no rescue in sight... dead people float with froth coming out of their noses and mouths... and the image of those little kids was just one thing i tried to fight out of my head...
i saw the couple take turns as they tried to swim underneath the boat and look for their children inside... i know how to swim, i know how to dive... but i was too scared to take off my life vest... i was too scared to help... i looked at the shocked faces of my friends... PAM sitting on top of the boat, staring at the sea towards the horizon, looking like she already lost her life...
pam: dame... may dadating bang rescue??? (dame, is there somebody going to get us?)
dame: meron pam... meron darating... (someone's on their way pam)
i answered even though i knew that hope seem to be just an inkling from uncertainty... but i tried to console her... and then it hit me... that i can do something... even if damianne has proven himself to be a coward i thought i could be the least coward of us...
aiza: tulungan niyo kami... yung daddy ko... (help us, my dad)
i saw a man with his mouth filled with froth floating beside the boat... his eyes were staring straight up... lifeless... i pulled him up and gave him to his daughter to secure... i heard another man screaming...
ramon: yung nanay ko!!! (my mom!)
i pulled her up the boat as well... i didn't know where i got all that strength, but for whatever was left of it i tried to use it to do something... anything... it must have been 30minutes of wailing and screaming and then we noticed that nobody's on their way to save us... you think that you have already secured your safety when everyone has a hold of the floating boat, but each moment ticked like a time bomb when we noticed that the boat isn't going to be afloat forever... it was sinking... slowly...
2:15pm
after what seem like forever... two rescue boats appeared towards us... they threw life vests in every direction and each one i grabbed and made sure that all my friends had one... i grabbed PAM who was still sitting on top of the sinking boat and together we boarded one... my heaving started to calm down when a couple of minutes later one of the crew handed us a little baby... that little baby boy PAM and I was staring at... he looked like he was just sleeping... his eyes were half open... staring towards nothing... he looked anything but dead... the crew placed him on the bench on the right side of the boat and i started what i thought would save him... i started to pump his little baby chest...
dame: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5...
then i blew a big breath in his mouth while pinching his little baby nose...
pam: sige pa dame... buhay pa siya dame... (don't stop dame, he's still alive)
pam kept on telling me that he was still alive... and anybody who would look at him would believe the same thing... his fingers were as pink as mine... his toes had the color of life on it... he wasn't cold and we wasn't blue... he seemed to be sleeping... i tried feeling his pulse from his neck and i swore i felt something... something beating... i felt hopeful... it seemed that my question before was answered... "why did i survive???" i knew that i survived to save this little boy's life... and i was not about to stop anytime soon... for every pump i gave his tiny heart, froth came out of his little baby nose... i sucked the froth out and blew more air in him... it went on for another 25minutes... i pumped 5 times, i sucked the froth out and i blew air... i never stopped...
pam: baby... baby... malapit na tayo... gising ka na baby... (we're almost near baby, please wake up)
dame: baby please... fight...
pam: dame, sige pa... don't stop...
my knees were sore as i knelt in fron of him for more that 25minutes while trying to fight hope against hope that he is still alive... i pumped, i sucked and i blew... remembering every detail of CPR i could recall...
pam: ayan na tayo baby... ang lapit na natin... hold on baby!!! (here we are baby, we're really near. please don't let go...)
pam screamed as the shore appeared from site... and finally when the boat was near enough we held the baby in our arms and made our way to the shore barefoot... i could feel how hot the sand was but it didn't matter... we were looking for the doctor... when we saw the man in the white coat we pleaded... like our own lives were on the line...
dame: meron pa po siyang pulse... meron pa siyang heartbeat... (he still has a pulse... he still has a heartbeat...)
the doctor instructed us to lay him down and he got his stethoscope out to find a heartbeat...
doctor: meron pa siyang heartbeat... antayin natin yung ambulance... (he still has a heartbeat... we should wait for the ambulance to arrive)
i didn't believe what i just heard... how many more minutes until that ambulance would arrive???
pam: dame halika na... mag tricycle na tayo... (we don't have time dame... come on let's get a tricycle)
we ran to hail a tricycle and got the first one we saw...
dame: kuya... sa hospital po... bilisan natin... (sir... to the nearest hospital, hurry)
pam: sir wala po kaming pera pambayad... (we don't have any money to pay you...)
the driver didn't seem to be bothered of the fact that we don't have anything with us and he drove as fast as he could to the nearest clinic... we continued pumping inside the tricycle... until we were brought to the clinic...
dame: asan ang doctor??? this kid still has a pulse... (where's the doctor???)
the people in the clinic panicked... there was no oxygen tank... hope slowly drifted away from us... but we were already in the clinic to give up... the doctor followed a few minutes later... he looked at the baby...
doctor: wala na yan... dilated na yung pupils niya... (he's gone... his pupils are already dilated...)
dame: this kid still has a pulse and a faint heartbeat... why do you keep on telling us that he's dead????!!!!
i did what i think no doctor experienced in their lives... i grabbed the doctor's stethoscope... and gave the ear piece to PAM and made her try to look for the heartbeat... we looked for hope thru that little hearing device...
dame: pam may naririnig ka ba??? (can you hear anything pam???)
pam: wala akong marinig dame... wala na akong marinig... (i can't hear anything dame... i can't hear anything...)
the hope that i was holding on that long slowly faded away... the rush of trying to save a life... trying to save an innocent baby's life... trying to keep his little baby heart beating, slowly faded to desperation... "why did you die and we lived???" it kept on and on in my head... he was sleeping lifeless on that hospital bed with light blue sheets...
i started to feel the exhaustion... i started to feel the aches in my joints... i held the little baby's little lifeless hands and curled myself beside him... he never lost his warmth... the warmth that a normal living person has... the warmth that made PAM and I kept on believing that he is still alive... but he is gone now... the thought repeated inside my head like a sick ticker clock... i tried to remember everything we did... i tried to remember if we did something wrong... if we missed something along that course of saving... or are we just fooling ourselves all the while...
i wiped the last few bubbles that came out of his angelic nose... i covered his eyes with the palm of my hands and tried to close the lids slowly... i whispered to his little baby ears... while i lie there waiting for his mother to arrive...
dame: baby... it's ok... sama ka na kay papa jesus... (it's ok baby... you can go with papa jesus now...)
we finally arrived at the pier... the place was crowded, everyone was excited to get to the earliest boat to the beach... a guy approached us, trying to offer their boat transfer service but we bought the one that would leave in 15 minutes...
11:30am
i noticed a cute little kid, around 2 yrs old... he was wearing the coolest pair of shades and the hippest blue polo... i could see he was with his family... his yaya was holding him... he was the center of attention because of how cute he really is...
dame: look pam... ang cute nung baby... (look pam... look how cute the baby...)
pam: oo nga eh... (yes he is...)
we stared a couple of minutes more...
12:15pm
i stood up, stretching my back... we were in that boat for more than an hour but it seemed that we were still in the middle of the sea... everybody was anxious to step on the hot sand of the beach shore... and then the unimaginable happened...
something snapped... a big wave hit the opposite side of the boat... it rocked once and everything started to move in slow motion... i was still standing as the boat turned to one side, i can see people falling towards the side where the water gushed in... my eyes were fixed on the bunk where all the life vests were, i saw my bags being swallowed by the water but forgot about it when i grabbed one life vest... i had no time to put it on so i wrapped my arms around it and i froze in fear...
"this is how i'm going to die... this is it..." i consoled myself while i turned to look at the faint light above me... i felt the water rise up to my throat as the boat turned upside down... something pulled or pushed me up, i didn't know if it was the bouyant life vest or i kicked my way out of that unmerciful waters... the next thing i saw was an overturned boat with people screaming everywhere... and then my heart stopped when i tried looking for my friends but can't see any of them...
i stepped on the capsized boat and scanned the area... i cannot explain the relief i felt when i saw PAM behind me... i pulled her up the boat as she was struggling to be afloat...
dame: asan sila pam!!!??? (where are they pam)
pam: dame... ayun si arianne... (there's arianne)
i saw arianne and kris together... they were safe... but we were 5...
dame: pam... asan si marianne!!!??? (pam, where is marianne?)
my heart sank deep inside me... i could not imagine losing a friend that way... i scanned the area another time and i saw marianne holding for her life at one of the "katigs" (outrigger) that balances the boat... the big waves made the outrigger sink and rise and so does marianne...
dame: marianne... swim ka papunta dito sa ginta... (marianne, swim here in the middle)
marianne: di ako makalangoy dame!!! (i can't swim dame)
i could see the fear that over took her... she was stunned in every way... i gathered all my courage and counted to three before i let go of the boat to swim to get her... she took my hand and i guided her safely to the over turned boat... we were all safe... i held PAM's hands trying to understand what exactly happened that short five minutes along that thin line between life and death... and then i realize that it wasn't over...
that whole time i was just thinking of the five of us... i was just thinking that all of us should be safe... but i realized that we were not just five people in that boat... we were more than 50...
i heard somebody scream to the top of her faint breathing...
monica: tulungan niyo kami!!! may mga bata sa loob!!! (help us, there are children inside)
horror filled my whole body when i realized that the capsized boat held inside it the other passengers who didn't make it out of the water... i remembered the little cute baby with his shades on... the 3 other kids that was with him... my head began to hurt... fighting with reason and what seem to be any way that i could help... when you have already saved yourself and your loved ones, you can't stop there and stand waiting for a miracle to happen... we were in the middle of the sea and no rescue in sight... dead people float with froth coming out of their noses and mouths... and the image of those little kids was just one thing i tried to fight out of my head...
i saw the couple take turns as they tried to swim underneath the boat and look for their children inside... i know how to swim, i know how to dive... but i was too scared to take off my life vest... i was too scared to help... i looked at the shocked faces of my friends... PAM sitting on top of the boat, staring at the sea towards the horizon, looking like she already lost her life...
pam: dame... may dadating bang rescue??? (dame, is there somebody going to get us?)
dame: meron pam... meron darating... (someone's on their way pam)
i answered even though i knew that hope seem to be just an inkling from uncertainty... but i tried to console her... and then it hit me... that i can do something... even if damianne has proven himself to be a coward i thought i could be the least coward of us...
aiza: tulungan niyo kami... yung daddy ko... (help us, my dad)
i saw a man with his mouth filled with froth floating beside the boat... his eyes were staring straight up... lifeless... i pulled him up and gave him to his daughter to secure... i heard another man screaming...
ramon: yung nanay ko!!! (my mom!)
i pulled her up the boat as well... i didn't know where i got all that strength, but for whatever was left of it i tried to use it to do something... anything... it must have been 30minutes of wailing and screaming and then we noticed that nobody's on their way to save us... you think that you have already secured your safety when everyone has a hold of the floating boat, but each moment ticked like a time bomb when we noticed that the boat isn't going to be afloat forever... it was sinking... slowly...
2:15pm
after what seem like forever... two rescue boats appeared towards us... they threw life vests in every direction and each one i grabbed and made sure that all my friends had one... i grabbed PAM who was still sitting on top of the sinking boat and together we boarded one... my heaving started to calm down when a couple of minutes later one of the crew handed us a little baby... that little baby boy PAM and I was staring at... he looked like he was just sleeping... his eyes were half open... staring towards nothing... he looked anything but dead... the crew placed him on the bench on the right side of the boat and i started what i thought would save him... i started to pump his little baby chest...
dame: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5...
then i blew a big breath in his mouth while pinching his little baby nose...
pam: sige pa dame... buhay pa siya dame... (don't stop dame, he's still alive)
pam kept on telling me that he was still alive... and anybody who would look at him would believe the same thing... his fingers were as pink as mine... his toes had the color of life on it... he wasn't cold and we wasn't blue... he seemed to be sleeping... i tried feeling his pulse from his neck and i swore i felt something... something beating... i felt hopeful... it seemed that my question before was answered... "why did i survive???" i knew that i survived to save this little boy's life... and i was not about to stop anytime soon... for every pump i gave his tiny heart, froth came out of his little baby nose... i sucked the froth out and blew more air in him... it went on for another 25minutes... i pumped 5 times, i sucked the froth out and i blew air... i never stopped...
pam: baby... baby... malapit na tayo... gising ka na baby... (we're almost near baby, please wake up)
dame: baby please... fight...
pam: dame, sige pa... don't stop...
my knees were sore as i knelt in fron of him for more that 25minutes while trying to fight hope against hope that he is still alive... i pumped, i sucked and i blew... remembering every detail of CPR i could recall...
pam: ayan na tayo baby... ang lapit na natin... hold on baby!!! (here we are baby, we're really near. please don't let go...)
pam screamed as the shore appeared from site... and finally when the boat was near enough we held the baby in our arms and made our way to the shore barefoot... i could feel how hot the sand was but it didn't matter... we were looking for the doctor... when we saw the man in the white coat we pleaded... like our own lives were on the line...
dame: meron pa po siyang pulse... meron pa siyang heartbeat... (he still has a pulse... he still has a heartbeat...)
the doctor instructed us to lay him down and he got his stethoscope out to find a heartbeat...
doctor: meron pa siyang heartbeat... antayin natin yung ambulance... (he still has a heartbeat... we should wait for the ambulance to arrive)
i didn't believe what i just heard... how many more minutes until that ambulance would arrive???
pam: dame halika na... mag tricycle na tayo... (we don't have time dame... come on let's get a tricycle)
we ran to hail a tricycle and got the first one we saw...
dame: kuya... sa hospital po... bilisan natin... (sir... to the nearest hospital, hurry)
pam: sir wala po kaming pera pambayad... (we don't have any money to pay you...)
the driver didn't seem to be bothered of the fact that we don't have anything with us and he drove as fast as he could to the nearest clinic... we continued pumping inside the tricycle... until we were brought to the clinic...
dame: asan ang doctor??? this kid still has a pulse... (where's the doctor???)
the people in the clinic panicked... there was no oxygen tank... hope slowly drifted away from us... but we were already in the clinic to give up... the doctor followed a few minutes later... he looked at the baby...
doctor: wala na yan... dilated na yung pupils niya... (he's gone... his pupils are already dilated...)
dame: this kid still has a pulse and a faint heartbeat... why do you keep on telling us that he's dead????!!!!
i did what i think no doctor experienced in their lives... i grabbed the doctor's stethoscope... and gave the ear piece to PAM and made her try to look for the heartbeat... we looked for hope thru that little hearing device...
dame: pam may naririnig ka ba??? (can you hear anything pam???)
pam: wala akong marinig dame... wala na akong marinig... (i can't hear anything dame... i can't hear anything...)
the hope that i was holding on that long slowly faded away... the rush of trying to save a life... trying to save an innocent baby's life... trying to keep his little baby heart beating, slowly faded to desperation... "why did you die and we lived???" it kept on and on in my head... he was sleeping lifeless on that hospital bed with light blue sheets...
i started to feel the exhaustion... i started to feel the aches in my joints... i held the little baby's little lifeless hands and curled myself beside him... he never lost his warmth... the warmth that a normal living person has... the warmth that made PAM and I kept on believing that he is still alive... but he is gone now... the thought repeated inside my head like a sick ticker clock... i tried to remember everything we did... i tried to remember if we did something wrong... if we missed something along that course of saving... or are we just fooling ourselves all the while...
i wiped the last few bubbles that came out of his angelic nose... i covered his eyes with the palm of my hands and tried to close the lids slowly... i whispered to his little baby ears... while i lie there waiting for his mother to arrive...
dame: baby... it's ok... sama ka na kay papa jesus... (it's ok baby... you can go with papa jesus now...)
Monday, February 16, 2009
malate chronicles....
mhel: mare!!! nasan ka?
my mobile phone suddenly sounded a lot like my friend mhel. my hands cant seem to grip the gadget tight as i tried to make blood flow thru my numb arm.
dame: sino toh?
mhel: neng!!! andito kami ni tabz sa malate!!! asan ka ba? punta ka dito!!!
mhel was almost screaming while he was trying to make his voice audible in what seem to be a crazy background sound that he was trying to fight off...
dame: huh? anong oras na ba? kagigising ko lang dear... andito ako kina lola.
mhel: pumunta ka dito... andito sila lahat... si tabz, armand, edward, diz, macky at YAMITO... kanina ka pa niya hinahanap...
dame: huh? sino naghahanap?
mhel: si YAM!
dame: bakit?
mhel: ano ka ba? basta pumuntaka na dito!
i looked at the clock and was shocked to see that ive been sleeping for almost 11hours already.
it was 2 in the morning!
dame: oo nga. nag text ata si macky sa akin kanina, nagyayaya pumunta sa Bed. sige ill fix up first and ill see if i could still be able to catch up with you guys
mhel: wait ka namin ha! dito lang kami sa sonata.
i got up as quickly as possible with nothing in my head but to fix up soon to be on my way. i was so busy looking for a shirt to wear when i suddenly realized that the commotion im making woke up my mom.
mommy: where do you think you're going?
dame: si mhel tumawag nasa malate daw sila.
mommy: so susunod ka?
dame: para pagbalik ko sa makati dadaan muna kami dito to pick up my clothes. mabigat kasi yan eh.
mommy: baka naman andun lang si YAMITO kaya ka pupunta?
dame: hindi... sabi ni mhel lahat daw andun... baka andun nga din si YAM pero gusto ko lang talaga sumama sa kanila
my mom had a look of disbelief in her eyes but like the mom that i've always known her to be, she didnt stop me from going out and just made a point.
mommy: baka isipin ng YAMITONG yan na kaya ka pumunta dun dahil sa kanya???
i was stopped by what she said but i tried to continue picking out a proper shoe for my get-up and pushed that bad thought away.
dame: i dont care what he thinks.
i got into my worn out jeans and black tank top and hurriedly went out to hail a cab. my mom's last words for me for the night echoed inside my head like a headache that nagged me through out the whole ride.
who's he with? he tells me that he doesnt even go to malate that often... why is he there? is he with my friends already? what am i going to do if i see him? the questions seemed endless when i saw nakpil street just a couple of blocks away. when i got off the cab, i went straight to sonata and saw the guys. yamito wasn't there. thank goodness...
sonata was a small cramped crowded place where you could smoke inside, have cheap beer and could even spare some coins for one song in the kareoke machine.
it was a table of five. there was tabz, their new friend mike whom i've also just met, mhel and his frustrating and impossible love... or should i say lust interest, armand. they were almost about to finish their drink so i decided not to order anything. they were talking about ex's and prospects.
mhel: ano ba yan?! kanina pa ito ha!
dame: ano yun?
mhel was looking at his mobile phone. probably got a text message.
mhel: etong ex mo kanina pa niya tinatanong kung kasama ka namin?
dame: ano sinabi mo?
mhel: sabi ko susunod ka.
dame: alam na ba niya na andito na ako?
mhel: hindi pa.
dame: good.
mhel: eh ano naman ngayon kung andito ka? sa kanya ba ang malate?
after that short meeting we fell in line for a dance club right at the corner of the promenade. they call it BED. the line was filled with familiar faces but none of them was YAM. when we finally got in i found myself in a dark, cold, loud and crowded room filled with dancing guys. lights flashed in all colors that you could ever imagine and the music never stopped playing. we went up the second level in the VIP lounge where you could see from an open edge that endless dancing and non stop rhythm that was going on the ground floor.
i was about to enjoy the moment becuase it has been so long since i have been back to that place, when a boy in casual shirt, jeans and cap held my shoulders and stared in front of me.
it was YAM.
it seem the music has stopped and all the people just disappeared. what was left in the middle of that wet and cold place was me and YAM. all i could do was to hold him and wrap my arms around him as tight as i could. it felt like i could just stay there forever, but then the music turned back on as loud as ever and the people slowly began danicing again and i was lost in the middle of the endless rhythm.
i pulled away and turned my back on him. i tried to watch the people as they move together with the rhythym.
yam: musta ka na?
i heard him talking behind me.
dame: ok lang naman.
and i left and went to the dance floor. the details of the place were so prominent. the lights, the music, the drinks that danced together with the guys that danced along with them. i dont know what it is that's happening to me becuase in the midst of all of them i kept on looking at the ledge on the next floor, thinking if YAM had been looking. i tried shoving off the thought and pulled myself to feel the fun of the moment so i started to follow the beat.
then there was a guy behind me who seem not too worried about the arbitrary space that should be in between dancing single guys. he was my type, tall and strong, his face seemed so serious but playful, he seem to be somebody who would tell me what to do, somebody who would say that i'm wrong, somebody who could win an arguement over me, somebody who could make me silent with a look, somebody who could tell me to turn all my plans in another direction and i will be happy with it... but he is somebody that i dont know and my speculations could be so wrong.
i was guided by his rhythym... i was swaying in the direction as he is, i was trying to get lost in my dreamy speculations that somebody within this crowded dance floor could be the guy that's my type and i'm hoping to make my chances with the guy behind me.
and then i saw YAM infront of me... dancing...
he held out his arms and put it around my shoulders and i gave in. i held YAM one more time and left my fantasy behind me. we started to dance. for the first time we have dance together. i dont know why we havent done this in the past 5 months that we were still us and now that we are not, we were dancing like we have been doing this ever since. we danced like we will loose each other if we pull away. but i had to pull myself from going back to the suspended life that i had when i was with him.i have to push him away from the hope and agony and optimism of what i could be for him. something i could not be. something i am not capable of giving him. i have loved him, but not in a way where i would jump a cliff to follow him. i have cared for him, but not when i could feel the hurt that has left me blank all this time that i have given him that care. i know in myself that i was selfish and sinful and i could not bare another day that he would look through the eyes of a man who he thinks he loves and trusts. i needed him to wake up from his dream and i needed to wake from my nightmare.
dame: mhel alis na tayo
i called my friend to ask him if he could take me home.
yam: pwede ba ako sumabay sa inyo? kasi pupunta pa ako sa makati office ko.
dame: sige sabay ka na.
i hurriedly went out of the bar and went rushing towards the parking lot. its as if i was trying to get away from a thought that has been so full of integrity i started to cry.
mhel: neng! anong drama mo?
dame: uwi na tayo.
mhel: sasabay daw si yam ok lang ba?
dame: oo naman.
the ride was long and cold. the sky was beginning to bleed with lighter shades from east to west. i was seated at the back with yam and i kept my stare stuck through the window of the car. i was trying to calm down and compose myself. too much had been said that night even if no words have been uttered. silence covered the truth from us. it may be fear of loosing each other, anger that we dont want to burst that might hurt both of us or just the continuous disagreement that was covered by silence and now in that place where the noise of so many speakers and wild music and crazy drunk people, i have also given him the truth within the silence of each others touch.
the gruelling ride home even got worse when i realized that i need to pass by my moms place to get my clothes. the inside of my ears still had the pressure of those mad speakers when i knocked ever so subtly in front of my moms door. she heard it at once. she waited for me.
dame: kunin ko na yung mga damit ko.
mom: so what happened?
dame: masaya naman. daming tao. nakainom ako pero si mhel naman ang nag-drive ngayon.
mom: si yam?
i didnt know why she needed to ask that question. its as if i havent got enough of too much of him for the night that my family still cares of what was happening to me or to us.
dame: kasama ko siya ngayon. sasabay siya papuntang makati.
mom: andyan siya sa car?
dame: yup!
once again she gave me the most sarcastic grin that i felt right through my bones. i was waiting for her to say something about me. i was waiting for her to tell me how stupid i was.
mom: take care ok. im glad you had fun.
she touched my cheeks with her palm and i felt that she was trying to suck all my pain away. she did. it seemed my heavy heart was relieved of all the worries that lingered the whole night.
i remembered when i told yam that it was more of a burden to him if he were to meet my mom... my family. because if things go wrong along the way, it wasnt just me whom he will hurt but my whole family. it has always been that way. i go home to unburden and cry. i look at how this house had been flooded by too much tears and too many disappointments but somehow my mom took everything like she hasnt had enough of the hurt, hers, my sisters and mine. there were too many stories that have been told that made all of us cry, but my mom just had her grin to fill up the spaces with hope and strength. she was more than a mom to me. she is my bearing. she just makes everything do-able... livable. she knew my every heart beat and she knew how hard it is and she understood.
i smiled back at her and went off.
i got home with a heavy head. my eyes were still trying to focus on the blur that might have been caused by the alcohol or that very tiring ride. i dropped face down on my bed and didnt even mind if i still have my shoes on. i know that yam was just right behind me. he stood there as if he was waiting for me to talk.
dame: what time will you need to be in the office?
yam: wala naman. kahit anong oras.
dame: sleep ka muna.
even i didnt believe what just came out of my mouth. but i moved to the side of the bed and gestured that he lay beside me. i know i was out of my mind that crazy sunday morning.
he didnt hesitate. i felt how much he missed me and i missed him too.
he wrapped his arm around me and everything came back. the frustration... the tiring arguement... the immaturity... the lack of trust... the hurt... and i realized that the whole night that i was doing the stupid things that a normal person in a "moving-on stage" shouldnt do, it all would lead to one thought...
"i dont want to go back"
i dont want to be back in that long pause in my life, where everything that i thought would heal me, just left me in a deep hole with nowhere else to go.
and as i drowsed to sleep i knew what to do. i've finally closed this chapter of my life and the next morning when i open my eyes i could look at yam without any regret that my life i now ready to live without him.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
what the hell are you doing all alone?
i don't know if life would give me the chance to be happy... or to stay happy...
i have been living it for the past 23 years and destiny seems to take his time to even bother and give me a chance to be happy and to stay happy...
i coursed the whole ride and I'm still stuck in the middle of "where the fuck am i going???" before it seems that time was just a thing that passes by but now, now that Ive been wasting so much time for something that only leads me to the beginning, i feel that life is pulling be back to the time that i was all alone... a time that i felt all alone... surrounded by people but was never with someone... cared for by everyone but never loved by somebody... much of everything but none of that things that matter...
solitude is a pain that grows... deep... buries itself to the pit of your soul and asks the big question... " WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ALL ALONE???"
"how can you pretend that you don't want to kiss him... to hold him... to keep him forever yours?"
"how can you pretend that you don't need him?"
"HOW CAN YOU PRETEND THAT YOU DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE?"
for the fact that you believe... or wanted to believe in all the pretensions...
I've tried to cry many times... I've tried to burst into an angry sob, for all the ruthlessness that destiny has been revealing to me and for all that he still has in store for me... but my heart was hardened by so many hurts... so many expectations... so many disappointments...
and now that i pick up each piece of my broken dreams... my broken hopes... those broken promises... my lonely and broken heart... i don't even want to expect anything that might happen tomorrow...
and happiness is just merely a thing of the past...
Thursday, February 5, 2009
look above us...
It was a tiring but fun fun weekend at tagaytay... my boyfriend and i finally had that special time that we shared together and we had the most out of it...
we went home almost around 11pm and i jumped right in the sack... i didn't have that much sleep so i was excited to see my bedroom again...
it wasn't that long when i drifted off and...
... ... ... huh...
there were around four armed men who barged inside our room... i was lying in bed with my friends george and mhel... my bf was standing and tried to pull out something under the bed... i could hear my heart started pounding... it was the shock and the panic that mixed inside my head that made me stutter while i tried a desperate word out of each breath...
all of them pointed guns at us and my bf pointed his own gun, the one that he got under the bed...
"tart... don't!!!" i shouted "please!!! he's just kidding... we're not gonna do anything!!! what do you need?"
my bf put down his gun and crawled over the bed to be beside me...
one of the armed men, grabbed mm arm and pulled me closer... there was this guy that seem so familiar... he didn't have any gun with him but his presence surely made him the leader of the group...
i forced myself to ask him...
"why are you doing this? are you gonna kill us?" i tried to pull that sentence out of my heavy breathing...
"we will kill you..." his eyes drew certainty in his words " but not now... but we will kill you!"
it was those words that shook me off to my consciousness....
... ... ... huh...
george was beside me on my bed. my bf was fixing the room and i was trying to catch my breath.
"i had the most vivid nightmare..." i slowly told the whole story to them...
"honey you're just tired of the trip... go back to sleep" he said while walking towards me and kissed my forehead
it was just a dream and i went back to sleep...
... ... ... 2 in the morning...
i was awaken by a sudden thug of the bed.
"tart... look above me... there's a coffin... there's a mirror..." my bf was trembling while he said those words.
"i cant see anything" i tried to look at the ceiling just above our bed but i cant see anything... " tart... youre dreaming..."
"no! im awake tart... look its there...." he insisted while trying to hug me...
i wrapped my arms around him and pulled him towards me...
"wait!!!" my bf shouted while he was trying to reach for his feet..."someone is grabbing my legs... i cant let go! tart somebody is holding my feet!!!"
i didn't felt anything around my feet... so i sat up and pulled him to consciousness...
"its just a dream baby... look... there's no one there..." i hugged him tight and laid him back to his pillow. "lets go back to sleep ok... don't worry tart... ill be here to protect you..."
it wasnt that long when my bf finally got back to sleep, but i cant seem to focus and sleep... those dreams... both of us... almost at the same time... what could it mean?
are we just tired of the trip?Tuesday, February 3, 2009
conversations with a stranger...
so i was taking my "yosi-break" (cigarette break) then my manager introduced me to this new guy in our team... there were around 20 new hires who started 2weeks behind us but i didnt specifically had my eye on this new one... i only got to notice him that night when my manager almost pushed me to get to know him...
his name was thadeo jansen... a guy little shorter than my height...had a dimple on his cheeks (dont exactly know if it was on his left or right... i told you i wasnt noticing him unitl this night...) has a look of a southern filipino, with somewhat chinky eyes, a goatee that you wouldnt initially notice and his signature characteristic... his overly waxed/oiled/wet-look chin length hair...
so there goes my manager,
aurelio: hoy alex si thad, yung bago natin sa batch 2!
alex: ah siya yung may kapangalan sa atin. hello!
aurelio: thad si alex, sayaw kayo.
alex: ano? prom?
so that became the scene that lead to our uncomfortable glances with each other... everytime we pass by the corridor or the bathroom, there was this akward look of who will give out a grin, just for the sake that we were formally introduced or just even because we work in the same team...
but it never happen...
then, with the twist of fate... or maybe becuase we are about to die of boredom in our cubicles... i got an email from my manager telling me to pair up with thad and assist him with his work...
i didnt want to add him in my messenger list, but i didnt had a choice when i got a pop up window on my monitor asking me if i would confirm thad who was sending an add request... then he asked me if i could come over his desk so we could work on the order together...
so i did...
i sat up the side of his desk while he browsed around to get infos regarding this specific job... i was waiting for him to ask, which wasnt that long becuase he doesnt know what he is doing...
thad: pano ba to?
alex: kasi kapang remote request, check mo lang if you could get thru the modem. pag successful mag ping test ka tapos ok na yun
thad: eh ayaw nga mag ping eh
alex: pag ganun, report mo na lang sa proj manager. i-copy mo din ako sa email ha.
thad: ok.
i made it as fast and as smooth as i could to get out of his cubicle... it wasnt because i didnt want the akward feeling that was suspended in the air... there was something else that was suspended in the air... it was his unbearable smell... it seemed like his cologne that my nose couldnt bear... "gwapo nga ang baho naman..." it went on and on in my head... i wanted to think that it was just a wrong choice of cologne (made of toxic chemicals from a dump site)
so i slid back to my cubicle praying that he wouldnt bother me again, when i got a copy of his email to the project manager... when i finished reading it, it sounded a bit sarcastic... so like the critic that i was born to be i IM him...
alex: and choray ng email ha...
thad: anong choray?
alex: taray! tanga naman...
thad: ay sorry di ko alam... ikaw kaya ang mataray dyan... yung name mo kasi parang boxingero na galing mexico...
alex: aba sinong may sabing pede ka mag comment sa name ko? bwahaha... gaga... im not from mexico... im venezuelan...
thad: ay ganun? ang choray!
alex: hahaha... ang bilis ng pick up mo ha...
so i guess he makes me luagh... hope that compensates his awful smell...
nah...
Monday, February 2, 2009
this year's all hollows eve...
the day was as boring as any other working day... needed to complete projects that were pending and had to talk to oblivious project managers along the way... then i got an e-mail from one of my business professors in school asking us to answer this trivia game that she's giving away that would PROBABLY... lemme repeat that... probably give us extra freaking points... so i got around 3 sure bets... lemme see... there's Carrie, then what lies beneath and gothika... some popular horror movies... i mean... no offense to the "POPULAR" part but I'm a fan of slasher movies... the more gooowie blood splashed around the place the better...
we still have a few hours to go to submit our guesses... sigh... boring...
then i had to go to the yearly CREAM party of BIGFISH... not really a big fan... all those straight people... just even thinking about it makes me itchy and start to get hives... (itchy...itchy...itchy...) it just so happen that one of my classmates in MBA was one of the owners or founders or employee of BIGFISH... not really sure... again i was initially not interested... so everybody in class wanted to support the event that was a yearly flop for the production company (i don't know why they keep on doing this EVERY YEAR!!!!)
so after work... had dinner in greenbelt with a friend... who's dying to see what i'm going to wear... well let's admit it... like REGINA GEORGE and the rest of the MEAN GIRLS... holloween is the time of year that anybody can wear something slutty and not be considered a total whore... maybe just a little...
and the transformation began... starting from my suede doll shoes... knee high socks... yellow and white checkered pleated skirt... a white hanging sailor collared shirt... a leather back pack and a shoulder length pitch black wig... all combined together would create the image of an innocent high school girl... yummy!!!!
i gathered all my guts to even muster the thought of it and finally came to the party... it was a mixture of total embarrassment and extreme excitement...
well... i'm mostly embarrassed so i took the "get up" off 2 hours after hiding in a spot where the beating lights doesnt reach...
argh!!!! same old same old parties... just like last year and the year before that...
met a couple of hotties in the party... usually straight one... NOT INTERESTED! then i was introduce to some celebrities... that i'm fully unaware that they were... (I DON'T WATCH LOCAL TV)
had a few drinks... danced a little... and went straight home and into the SACK!!!
argh!!!! same old same old... just like last year and the year before that...
we still have a few hours to go to submit our guesses... sigh... boring...
then i had to go to the yearly CREAM party of BIGFISH... not really a big fan... all those straight people... just even thinking about it makes me itchy and start to get hives... (itchy...itchy...itchy...)
so after work... had dinner in greenbelt with a friend... who's dying to see what i'm going to wear... well let's admit it... like REGINA GEORGE and the rest of the MEAN GIRLS... holloween is the time of year that anybody can wear something slutty and not be considered a total whore... maybe just a little...
and the transformation began... starting from my suede doll shoes... knee high socks... yellow and white checkered pleated skirt... a white hanging sailor collared shirt... a leather back pack and a shoulder length pitch black wig... all combined together would create the image of an innocent high school girl... yummy!!!!
i gathered all my guts to even muster the thought of it and finally came to the party... it was a mixture of total embarrassment and extreme excitement...
well... i'm mostly embarrassed so i took the "get up" off 2 hours after hiding in a spot where the beating lights doesnt reach...
argh!!!! same old same old parties... just like last year and the year before that...
met a couple of hotties in the party... usually straight one... NOT INTERESTED! then i was introduce to some celebrities... that i'm fully unaware that they were... (I DON'T WATCH LOCAL TV)
had a few drinks... danced a little... and went straight home and into the SACK!!!
argh!!!! same old same old... just like last year and the year before that...
Your Typical Newbie!!!
... so i finally decided to start an account here. somebody told me it's fun. so far i haven't had that yet. maybe I'm looking at the wrong place. anyways, I'll be posting some of my rants and raves over this site and hopefully something really fun happens. ciao ciao for now! XOXO!
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