holding on to a little boy's life

Saturday - 10:45am

we finally arrived at the pier... the place was crowded, everyone was excited to get to the earliest boat to the beach... a guy approached us, trying to offer their boat transfer service but we bought the one that would leave in 15 minutes...

11:30am

i noticed a cute little kid, around 2 yrs old... he was wearing the coolest pair of shades and the hippest blue polo... i could see he was with his family... his yaya was holding him... he was the center of attention because of how cute he really is...

dame: look pam... ang cute nung baby... (look pam... look how cute the baby...)

pam: oo nga eh... (yes he is...)

we stared a couple of minutes more...

12:15pm

i stood up, stretching my back... we were in that boat for more than an hour but it seemed that we were still in the middle of the sea... everybody was anxious to step on the hot sand of the beach shore... and then the unimaginable happened...

something snapped... a big wave hit the opposite side of the boat... it rocked once and everything started to move in slow motion... i was still standing as the boat turned to one side, i can see people falling towards the side where the water gushed in... my eyes were fixed on the bunk where all the life vests were, i saw my bags being swallowed by the water but forgot about it when i grabbed one life vest... i had no time to put it on so i wrapped my arms around it and i froze in fear...

"this is how i'm going to die... this is it..." i consoled myself while i turned to look at the faint light above me... i felt the water rise up to my throat as the boat turned upside down... something pulled or pushed me up, i didn't know if it was the bouyant life vest or i kicked my way out of that unmerciful waters... the next thing i saw was an overturned boat with people screaming everywhere... and then my heart stopped when i tried looking for my friends but can't see any of them...

i stepped on the capsized boat and scanned the area... i cannot explain the relief i felt when i saw PAM behind me... i pulled her up the boat as she was struggling to be afloat...

dame: asan sila pam!!!??? (where are they pam)

pam: dame... ayun si arianne... (there's arianne)

i saw arianne and kris together... they were safe... but we were 5...

dame: pam... asan si marianne!!!??? (pam, where is marianne?)

my heart sank deep inside me... i could not imagine losing a friend that way... i scanned the area another time and i saw marianne holding for her life at one of the "katigs" (outrigger) that balances the boat... the big waves made the outrigger sink and rise and so does marianne...

dame: marianne... swim ka papunta dito sa ginta... (marianne, swim here in the middle)

marianne: di ako makalangoy dame!!! (i can't swim dame)

i could see the fear that over took her... she was stunned in every way... i gathered all my courage and counted to three before i let go of the boat to swim to get her... she took my hand and i guided her safely to the over turned boat... we were all safe... i held PAM's hands trying to understand what exactly happened that short five minutes along that thin line between life and death... and then i realize that it wasn't over...

that whole time i was just thinking of the five of us... i was just thinking that all of us should be safe... but i realized that we were not just five people in that boat... we were more than 50...

i heard somebody scream to the top of her faint breathing...

monica: tulungan niyo kami!!! may mga bata sa loob!!! (help us, there are children inside)

horror filled my whole body when i realized that the capsized boat held inside it the other passengers who didn't make it out of the water... i remembered the little cute baby with his shades on... the 3 other kids that was with him... my head began to hurt... fighting with reason and what seem to be any way that i could help... when you have already saved yourself and your loved ones, you can't stop there and stand waiting for a miracle to happen... we were in the middle of the sea and no rescue in sight... dead people float with froth coming out of their noses and mouths... and the image of those little kids was just one thing i tried to fight out of my head...

i saw the couple take turns as they tried to swim underneath the boat and look for their children inside... i know how to swim, i know how to dive... but i was too scared to take off my life vest... i was too scared to help... i looked at the shocked faces of my friends... PAM sitting on top of the boat, staring at the sea towards the horizon, looking like she already lost her life...

pam: dame... may dadating bang rescue??? (dame, is there somebody going to get us?)

dame: meron pam... meron darating... (someone's on their way pam)

i answered even though i knew that hope seem to be just an inkling from uncertainty... but i tried to console her... and then it hit me... that i can do something... even if damianne has proven himself to be a coward i thought i could be the least coward of us...

aiza: tulungan niyo kami... yung daddy ko... (help us, my dad)

i saw a man with his mouth filled with froth floating beside the boat... his eyes were staring straight up... lifeless... i pulled him up and gave him to his daughter to secure... i heard another man screaming...

ramon: yung nanay ko!!! (my mom!)

i pulled her up the boat as well... i didn't know where i got all that strength, but for whatever was left of it i tried to use it to do something... anything... it must have been 30minutes of wailing and screaming and then we noticed that nobody's on their way to save us... you think that you have already secured your safety when everyone has a hold of the floating boat, but each moment ticked like a time bomb when we noticed that the boat isn't going to be afloat forever... it was sinking... slowly...

2:15pm

after what seem like forever... two rescue boats appeared towards us... they threw life vests in every direction and each one i grabbed and made sure that all my friends had one... i grabbed PAM who was still sitting on top of the sinking boat and together we boarded one... my heaving started to calm down when a couple of minutes later one of the crew handed us a little baby... that little baby boy PAM and I was staring at... he looked like he was just sleeping... his eyes were half open... staring towards nothing... he looked anything but dead... the crew placed him on the bench on the right side of the boat and i started what i thought would save him... i started to pump his little baby chest...

dame: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5...

then i blew a big breath in his mouth while pinching his little baby nose...

pam: sige pa dame... buhay pa siya dame... (don't stop dame, he's still alive)

pam kept on telling me that he was still alive... and anybody who would look at him would believe the same thing... his fingers were as pink as mine... his toes had the color of life on it... he wasn't cold and we wasn't blue... he seemed to be sleeping... i tried feeling his pulse from his neck and i swore i felt something... something beating... i felt hopeful... it seemed that my question before was answered... "why did i survive???" i knew that i survived to save this little boy's life... and i was not about to stop anytime soon... for every pump i gave his tiny heart, froth came out of his little baby nose... i sucked the froth out and blew more air in him... it went on for another 25minutes... i pumped 5 times, i sucked the froth out and i blew air... i never stopped...

pam: baby... baby... malapit na tayo... gising ka na baby... (we're almost near baby, please wake up)

dame: baby please... fight...

pam: dame, sige pa... don't stop...

my knees were sore as i knelt in fron of him for more that 25minutes while trying to fight hope against hope that he is still alive... i pumped, i sucked and i blew... remembering every detail of CPR i could recall...

pam: ayan na tayo baby... ang lapit na natin... hold on baby!!! (here we are baby, we're really near. please don't let go...)

pam screamed as the shore appeared from site... and finally when the boat was near enough we held the baby in our arms and made our way to the shore barefoot... i could feel how hot the sand was but it didn't matter... we were looking for the doctor... when we saw the man in the white coat we pleaded... like our own lives were on the line...

dame: meron pa po siyang pulse... meron pa siyang heartbeat... (he still has a pulse... he still has a heartbeat...)

the doctor instructed us to lay him down and he got his stethoscope out to find a heartbeat...

doctor: meron pa siyang heartbeat... antayin natin yung ambulance... (he still has a heartbeat... we should wait for the ambulance to arrive)

i didn't believe what i just heard... how many more minutes until that ambulance would arrive???

pam: dame halika na... mag tricycle na tayo... (we don't have time dame... come on let's get a tricycle)

we ran to hail a tricycle and got the first one we saw...

dame: kuya... sa hospital po... bilisan natin... (sir... to the nearest hospital, hurry)

pam: sir wala po kaming pera pambayad... (we don't have any money to pay you...)

the driver didn't seem to be bothered of the fact that we don't have anything with us and he drove as fast as he could to the nearest clinic... we continued pumping inside the tricycle... until we were brought to the clinic...

dame: asan ang doctor??? this kid still has a pulse... (where's the doctor???)

the people in the clinic panicked... there was no oxygen tank... hope slowly drifted away from us... but we were already in the clinic to give up... the doctor followed a few minutes later... he looked at the baby...

doctor: wala na yan... dilated na yung pupils niya... (he's gone... his pupils are already dilated...)

dame: this kid still has a pulse and a faint heartbeat... why do you keep on telling us that he's dead????!!!!

i did what i think no doctor experienced in their lives... i grabbed the doctor's stethoscope... and gave the ear piece to PAM and made her try to look for the heartbeat... we looked for hope thru that little hearing device...

dame: pam may naririnig ka ba??? (can you hear anything pam???)

pam: wala akong marinig dame... wala na akong marinig... (i can't hear anything dame... i can't hear anything...)

the hope that i was holding on that long slowly faded away... the rush of trying to save a life... trying to save an innocent baby's life... trying to keep his little baby heart beating, slowly faded to desperation... "why did you die and we lived???" it kept on and on in my head... he was sleeping lifeless on that hospital bed with light blue sheets...

i started to feel the exhaustion... i started to feel the aches in my joints... i held the little baby's little lifeless hands and curled myself beside him... he never lost his warmth... the warmth that a normal living person has... the warmth that made PAM and I kept on believing that he is still alive... but he is gone now... the thought repeated inside my head like a sick ticker clock... i tried to remember everything we did... i tried to remember if we did something wrong... if we missed something along that course of saving... or are we just fooling ourselves all the while...

i wiped the last few bubbles that came out of his angelic nose... i covered his eyes with the palm of my hands and tried to close the lids slowly... i whispered to his little baby ears... while i lie there waiting for his mother to arrive...

dame: baby... it's ok... sama ka na kay papa jesus... (it's ok baby... you can go with papa jesus now...)