"safe in my arms..." it repeats itself over and over inside my head, as i try to cover myself with my arms. i wrapped them around myself tight, just to keep me warm. it was a cold and damped morning. i just got off the bus, just finished my shift at work and was trying to look for cover as morning dew slowly trickle from above.
i ran as fast as i could to get to my building. drops of the morning dew settled on my cheeks and nose as i saw myself on the mirror right in front of the elevator door.
the door opened and i realized that i was the only one inside.
"my unit is 27-N... its a left turn when u step out of the elevator" i read the phone message i got from him as i opened my eyes to see that I'm inside a very unfamiliar elevator and a very unfamiliar place.
the door opened and i slowly followed a small corridor towards room 27-N.
i clicked the doorbell and he opened the door.
he was the same. he looked the same. more hair, but still the same. he was wearing just a pair of boxer shorts and was holding a glass of vodka.
"would you want a glass?" he offered, but i refused and went to the couch to make myself comfortable.
"you know i don't drink vodka... i hate it!" i smirked. i looked into his half sober eyes and decided to just pour it all out
"i cannot do this anymore, yoshi..." the words just came out of me without knowing that i even began speaking.
i saw his hands began to tremble and his glass of vodka was shaking but he tried to make it so subtle. he wanted to say something but cant let the words out. he slowly walked towards me and lifted me up from my seat and wrapped his arms around me.
i could hear the glass of vodka behind me while the ice cubes tinkles in it. i pushed him and looked away, hoping that he did not notice that my eyes are starting to fill up with tears.
"this is not working for me yoshi... we are not working!" i said with a tremble in each word.
life for me made a big turn when i first met him. he made me believe that life could be perfect. the first time he held my hands inside the dark and cold movie house seem to define what i felt as safe and loved.
but nothing seem to stay as perfect as it is... when i thought i got all that i wanted... when i thought that everything i needed was right in front of me, just within my reach... everything that i thought i needed and wanted was destroying all that i believed to be real.
"do you love me?" i asked him. at this point the first tear rolled on my cheeks and it burned my numb skin.
"words don't come easy to me dame. it doesn't work for me that way. i don't have any word to describe how i feel for you." he wanted me to stay with the words that he uttered. "i cannot find a way to say more of what i mean."
"so let me feel it... i want to feel you yoshi. why cant i feel any of it?" i screamed and screamed while i held his shoulders and try to shook him hoping that i could get anything that's tangible out the words that he kept on telling me. "give me what i need yoshi. its not much. you know its not much. i need to know if you love me... or if you ever loved me at all..."
my voice started to shrink as i lost control of my stance and drifted to a crazy sob as i sat on the floor, in front of him. teardrops slowly covered the marble-cast floor of our apartment. i remembered the times when we would make love on that very floor. it was damped with our sweat before but now all that covers it are my tears.
"say something!" i mustered everything that's left of my breath to get something out of his insensitive heart.
"come here baby..." he lifted me again from the desperation where i was and guided me to our room. "you need this..."
he held out his glass of vodka but i turned my head away.it's as if he wasn't hearing me at all. it's as if i was just a ghost trying to escape of the plane of the dead.
he placed the the glass of alcohol on top of the bedside table and held my arm tight. I looked straight through his eyes. it was starting to fill up. a moment there i was transported to a dark place with just him and i standing in a void of nothing. no air. no light. no warmth. no love.
he pulled me close and gave me the embrace i haven't felt for almost 2 years. i tried to inhale the vacuum that enclosed us but nothing sustained my breathing. his warmth didn't flowed thru my heart... i wanted to feel him but i was already so numb of crying.
"i came to tell you... i'm going to get some of my things." i pushed myself away and he grabbed his vodka and walked outside of the room.
**** CRASH ****
i ran outside and saw a shattered glass scattered on the floor.
"i'm sorry dame..." he whispered and lifelessly sat down the living room sofa.