A Love Story

Once upon a time, in an island there lived all the feelings and emotions : Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to them that the island would sink! So all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a boat. Love said,
"Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "Sorry Love, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat and so there is no place here for you."

Love next asked Vanity who was also sailing by. Vanity was also ready with the same answer.
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, take me along with you."
"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!", sadness said in a sullen voice.

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so preoccupied with her happiness that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder. An overjoyed Love jumped up into the boat and in the process forgot to ask where they were going. When they arrived at a dry land, the elder went her own way.

Realizing how much was owed to the elder, Love asked Knowledge another elder, "Who Helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" thought Love. Then, as if reading the face of Love, Knowledge smiled and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

A Real Boyfriend

I remember how you were and I'm sure you are still.

When I stare at his mouth... HE KISSES ME...

When I lay my hand on his shoulder... HE TILTS HIS HEAD TO KISS ME...

When I look into his eyes... HE WOULD NOT LOOK AWAY UNTIL I WOULD...

When I mess up his hair... HE WOULD PIN ME DOWN AND TICKLE ME UNTIL I STOP...

When I'm about to go to sleep... HE SENDS ME A MESSAGE...

When I just got up from bed... I GET HIS GOODMORNING FROM MY PHONE...

When I'm quiet... HE ASKS ME WHAT'S WRONG...

When I ignore him... HE MAKES FACES TO GET MY ATTENTION...

When I push him away... HE PULLS ME BACK AND NEVER LETS GO...

When I walk away from him... HE NEVER STOPS FOLLOWING ME...

When I ask him if I look good... HE SAYS I LOOK DAMN HOT...

When I wake up all sluggish in the morning... HE TELLS HOW GOODLOOKING I AM...

When my eyes start to fill with tears... HE WOULD HOLD ME AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER...

When he sees me crying... HE WOULD ASK WHO HE WOULD PUNCH THIS TIME...

When I least expect he's there... HE SNEAKS UP AND HUGS ME FROM BEHIND...

When I tell him a secret... HE WOULD KEEP IT SAFE AND UNTOLD FOREVER...

When I call him late at night... HE NEVER PUTS DOWN THE PHONE UNTIL I DO...

When I'm scared... HE HOLDS MY HAND TIGHT...

When I wear his favorite shirt... HE LETS ME KEEP IT FOR A DAY...

When I watch my favorite anime series... HE WATCHES IT WITH ME EVEN IF HE DOESN'T LIKE IT...

When I'm bored... HE HANGS OUT WITH ME...

When I tease him... HE TEASES ME BACK AND MAKES ME LAUGH...

When I pause to answer... HE REASSURES ME THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK...

When I look at him with doubt... HE BACKS UP HIS STORIES WITH THE TRUTH...

When I tell him I'm OK... HE WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME...

When I tell him I like him... HE KNOWS MORE THAN HE COULD UNDERSTAND...

When I tell him I love him... HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME MORE...

One Against A Million Reasons

A knock at the door got me up from an afternoon of doing nothing but stare at the ceiling. A man that i used to know was standing behind it as i opened it and stared some more.

Dame: Hello.
Yoshi: Hi... I don't know where else to go.

I stared at him for a few more minutes. His eyes were watery and his lips were trembling.

Dame: I'm sorry, yes come in.

I saw him scan my room. It was small and pathetic. The corners made everything look smaller than it already is. The butter-colored walls draw nothing in his eyes and that was exactly what was on the walls and the furniture and the bed and the windows, NOTHING.

Yoshi: I like what you've done with the place... it's so...
Dame: Empty???

He was still sarcastic even when his eyes were all red and teary. I saw a grin appeared on his boyish little face. He looked at me with a smile but with tears pouring from his eyes.

Yoshi: You always do that.
Dame: What?
Yoshi: You make me laugh and cry at the same time.
Dame: What's the matter.
Yoshi: You are.
Dame: What?
Yoshi: Come home damey...

It was almost 2 years since i last saw those sincere eyes. He asked me to live with him if I wanted him to stay in Manila. He told me that it is too much of a risk to take a pass on that big job offer just to be with me and he is only willing to do it if he was really going to be with me. Those eyes were the same eyes that asked me to live with him 2 years ago and now how I wished I didn't.

Dame: You know that that would not solve anything.
Yoshi: I haven't asked you this before you left... is this what you really want?
Dame: Yes!
Yoshi: Then why haven't you told anybody?
Dame: Because you haven't told anybody...
Yoshi: Because I've always hoped that you would come back, because i know you would

He saw right though me. He saw right through my heart. I tried not to look back when i got my last pair of shoes from his condo unit, but he knew that my heart was not like that. He knew me very well, but i do not know him. For 3 years that we've been together i tried to figure out each word, each expression, each wink, each grin, each sigh, but i can't see through him.

Dame: Can't you see that I'm trying? I'm trying really hard! There are a million reasons to go back to the way we were. There are a million reasons to to hold on to what we have, but there is one reason that keeps me from coming home Yoshi.

I promised myself not to cry in front of him again. But he always makes me cry. He picks me up from a mess, he points out where i went wrong and he makes me feel helpless. Not now, not from this decision.

Dame: You always make me cry.

conversation with an anonymous MORON...

Disclaimer: Warning! This does not intend to categorize anyone related, directly or indirectly, to any institution. This is just a mere experience and how the conversation went along. If you think you will be offended by the harshness or insensitivity of this dialogue, I suggest you stop reading at this point. Once again, I do not intend to make a point out of this post nor do I intend to criticize, make fun or demean anybody related to any institution.

I was quietly reading my Business Economics textbook when suddenly a message appeared in the computer monitor...

Reef: hi... you look familiar... are you a DLSU grad?

I was logged-on to one of those social websites so i wasn't surprised when this anonymous guy popped up in my screen...

Dame: why?
Reef: nothing... I'm from DLSU kasi... where are you now???
Dame: I'm from makati... but im in alabang right now...
Reef: really... i live in alabang but i work in makati... small world huh?
Dame: i guess so...
Reef: so what are you here for??? friends??? relationship??? EBs??? SEBs???
Dame: im sorry to disappoint you dude... but i don't go for those here...
Reef: ok... that's cool... hope we could meet and talk... btw... what's your stats? age???
Dame: it's in my profile... you haven't read it have you???
Reef: your age isn't there...
Dame: it is there pare... but for your comfort and convenience... i took the initiative to paste what was already written there... are you sure you're from DLSU or baka CSB ka???

***** Stats: 24.175cm.65kg - 5'9".143lbs
***** Body & Ethnics: Athletic & Mixed
***** Hair: Brown
***** Body Hair:
***** Eyes: Brown
***** Piercings: None
***** Tattoos: None

Reef: yeah... i've already read that... what i'm asking is your age??? i'm from CSB... you can ask me anything about it...

at that time i don't know what has got in to me when all my biatchy-ness oozed out of my ears...

Dame: pare... the first thing you see in my stats is my age... malabo ba??? Stats: 24.175cm.65kg - 5'9".143lbs >>> "24" hindi naman siguro ako 24.175cm diba??? ano ako dwende??? for a DLSU guy you would disappoint me... but coz you're from CSB i understand...

and after that i realized i was being unimaginably rude...

Dame: sorry if im this sarcastic... i just don't like slow people... bare with me...
Reef: uhmmm sorry dude... i rarely check this site and i wudnt even know that ur age wud be included there... it said stats not age...

but i can't help it... i kept on and on... argh!!!

Dame: its in my nature... for those who dont know me they would really get turned-off... but for those who do they are actually thankful... just a piece of advice... dont rely too much on whats on the label... people who put "do not drink" on poison bottles actually put it there for people like you... it's what they call "COMMON SENSE" but you don't have to worry it's congenital... so you can't blame yourself...

Reef: AND DNT MAKE URSELF MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE COZ AT THE END OF THE DAY... UL SEE WHO IS PROPERLY EDUCATED AND NOT... THANKS...

and that was his last message... i wonder when will that end of the day be for him???

NAKU NAGALIT ATA!!! WAAAHHH I'M SO BAD!!! SORRY PO... I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION... RIGHT???

holding on to a little boy's life

Saturday - 10:45am

we finally arrived at the pier... the place was crowded, everyone was excited to get to the earliest boat to the beach... a guy approached us, trying to offer their boat transfer service but we bought the one that would leave in 15 minutes...

11:30am

i noticed a cute little kid, around 2 yrs old... he was wearing the coolest pair of shades and the hippest blue polo... i could see he was with his family... his yaya was holding him... he was the center of attention because of how cute he really is...

dame: look pam... ang cute nung baby... (look pam... look how cute the baby...)

pam: oo nga eh... (yes he is...)

we stared a couple of minutes more...

12:15pm

i stood up, stretching my back... we were in that boat for more than an hour but it seemed that we were still in the middle of the sea... everybody was anxious to step on the hot sand of the beach shore... and then the unimaginable happened...

something snapped... a big wave hit the opposite side of the boat... it rocked once and everything started to move in slow motion... i was still standing as the boat turned to one side, i can see people falling towards the side where the water gushed in... my eyes were fixed on the bunk where all the life vests were, i saw my bags being swallowed by the water but forgot about it when i grabbed one life vest... i had no time to put it on so i wrapped my arms around it and i froze in fear...

"this is how i'm going to die... this is it..." i consoled myself while i turned to look at the faint light above me... i felt the water rise up to my throat as the boat turned upside down... something pulled or pushed me up, i didn't know if it was the bouyant life vest or i kicked my way out of that unmerciful waters... the next thing i saw was an overturned boat with people screaming everywhere... and then my heart stopped when i tried looking for my friends but can't see any of them...

i stepped on the capsized boat and scanned the area... i cannot explain the relief i felt when i saw PAM behind me... i pulled her up the boat as she was struggling to be afloat...

dame: asan sila pam!!!??? (where are they pam)

pam: dame... ayun si arianne... (there's arianne)

i saw arianne and kris together... they were safe... but we were 5...

dame: pam... asan si marianne!!!??? (pam, where is marianne?)

my heart sank deep inside me... i could not imagine losing a friend that way... i scanned the area another time and i saw marianne holding for her life at one of the "katigs" (outrigger) that balances the boat... the big waves made the outrigger sink and rise and so does marianne...

dame: marianne... swim ka papunta dito sa ginta... (marianne, swim here in the middle)

marianne: di ako makalangoy dame!!! (i can't swim dame)

i could see the fear that over took her... she was stunned in every way... i gathered all my courage and counted to three before i let go of the boat to swim to get her... she took my hand and i guided her safely to the over turned boat... we were all safe... i held PAM's hands trying to understand what exactly happened that short five minutes along that thin line between life and death... and then i realize that it wasn't over...

that whole time i was just thinking of the five of us... i was just thinking that all of us should be safe... but i realized that we were not just five people in that boat... we were more than 50...

i heard somebody scream to the top of her faint breathing...

monica: tulungan niyo kami!!! may mga bata sa loob!!! (help us, there are children inside)

horror filled my whole body when i realized that the capsized boat held inside it the other passengers who didn't make it out of the water... i remembered the little cute baby with his shades on... the 3 other kids that was with him... my head began to hurt... fighting with reason and what seem to be any way that i could help... when you have already saved yourself and your loved ones, you can't stop there and stand waiting for a miracle to happen... we were in the middle of the sea and no rescue in sight... dead people float with froth coming out of their noses and mouths... and the image of those little kids was just one thing i tried to fight out of my head...

i saw the couple take turns as they tried to swim underneath the boat and look for their children inside... i know how to swim, i know how to dive... but i was too scared to take off my life vest... i was too scared to help... i looked at the shocked faces of my friends... PAM sitting on top of the boat, staring at the sea towards the horizon, looking like she already lost her life...

pam: dame... may dadating bang rescue??? (dame, is there somebody going to get us?)

dame: meron pam... meron darating... (someone's on their way pam)

i answered even though i knew that hope seem to be just an inkling from uncertainty... but i tried to console her... and then it hit me... that i can do something... even if damianne has proven himself to be a coward i thought i could be the least coward of us...

aiza: tulungan niyo kami... yung daddy ko... (help us, my dad)

i saw a man with his mouth filled with froth floating beside the boat... his eyes were staring straight up... lifeless... i pulled him up and gave him to his daughter to secure... i heard another man screaming...

ramon: yung nanay ko!!! (my mom!)

i pulled her up the boat as well... i didn't know where i got all that strength, but for whatever was left of it i tried to use it to do something... anything... it must have been 30minutes of wailing and screaming and then we noticed that nobody's on their way to save us... you think that you have already secured your safety when everyone has a hold of the floating boat, but each moment ticked like a time bomb when we noticed that the boat isn't going to be afloat forever... it was sinking... slowly...

2:15pm

after what seem like forever... two rescue boats appeared towards us... they threw life vests in every direction and each one i grabbed and made sure that all my friends had one... i grabbed PAM who was still sitting on top of the sinking boat and together we boarded one... my heaving started to calm down when a couple of minutes later one of the crew handed us a little baby... that little baby boy PAM and I was staring at... he looked like he was just sleeping... his eyes were half open... staring towards nothing... he looked anything but dead... the crew placed him on the bench on the right side of the boat and i started what i thought would save him... i started to pump his little baby chest...

dame: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5...

then i blew a big breath in his mouth while pinching his little baby nose...

pam: sige pa dame... buhay pa siya dame... (don't stop dame, he's still alive)

pam kept on telling me that he was still alive... and anybody who would look at him would believe the same thing... his fingers were as pink as mine... his toes had the color of life on it... he wasn't cold and we wasn't blue... he seemed to be sleeping... i tried feeling his pulse from his neck and i swore i felt something... something beating... i felt hopeful... it seemed that my question before was answered... "why did i survive???" i knew that i survived to save this little boy's life... and i was not about to stop anytime soon... for every pump i gave his tiny heart, froth came out of his little baby nose... i sucked the froth out and blew more air in him... it went on for another 25minutes... i pumped 5 times, i sucked the froth out and i blew air... i never stopped...

pam: baby... baby... malapit na tayo... gising ka na baby... (we're almost near baby, please wake up)

dame: baby please... fight...

pam: dame, sige pa... don't stop...

my knees were sore as i knelt in fron of him for more that 25minutes while trying to fight hope against hope that he is still alive... i pumped, i sucked and i blew... remembering every detail of CPR i could recall...

pam: ayan na tayo baby... ang lapit na natin... hold on baby!!! (here we are baby, we're really near. please don't let go...)

pam screamed as the shore appeared from site... and finally when the boat was near enough we held the baby in our arms and made our way to the shore barefoot... i could feel how hot the sand was but it didn't matter... we were looking for the doctor... when we saw the man in the white coat we pleaded... like our own lives were on the line...

dame: meron pa po siyang pulse... meron pa siyang heartbeat... (he still has a pulse... he still has a heartbeat...)

the doctor instructed us to lay him down and he got his stethoscope out to find a heartbeat...

doctor: meron pa siyang heartbeat... antayin natin yung ambulance... (he still has a heartbeat... we should wait for the ambulance to arrive)

i didn't believe what i just heard... how many more minutes until that ambulance would arrive???

pam: dame halika na... mag tricycle na tayo... (we don't have time dame... come on let's get a tricycle)

we ran to hail a tricycle and got the first one we saw...

dame: kuya... sa hospital po... bilisan natin... (sir... to the nearest hospital, hurry)

pam: sir wala po kaming pera pambayad... (we don't have any money to pay you...)

the driver didn't seem to be bothered of the fact that we don't have anything with us and he drove as fast as he could to the nearest clinic... we continued pumping inside the tricycle... until we were brought to the clinic...

dame: asan ang doctor??? this kid still has a pulse... (where's the doctor???)

the people in the clinic panicked... there was no oxygen tank... hope slowly drifted away from us... but we were already in the clinic to give up... the doctor followed a few minutes later... he looked at the baby...

doctor: wala na yan... dilated na yung pupils niya... (he's gone... his pupils are already dilated...)

dame: this kid still has a pulse and a faint heartbeat... why do you keep on telling us that he's dead????!!!!

i did what i think no doctor experienced in their lives... i grabbed the doctor's stethoscope... and gave the ear piece to PAM and made her try to look for the heartbeat... we looked for hope thru that little hearing device...

dame: pam may naririnig ka ba??? (can you hear anything pam???)

pam: wala akong marinig dame... wala na akong marinig... (i can't hear anything dame... i can't hear anything...)

the hope that i was holding on that long slowly faded away... the rush of trying to save a life... trying to save an innocent baby's life... trying to keep his little baby heart beating, slowly faded to desperation... "why did you die and we lived???" it kept on and on in my head... he was sleeping lifeless on that hospital bed with light blue sheets...

i started to feel the exhaustion... i started to feel the aches in my joints... i held the little baby's little lifeless hands and curled myself beside him... he never lost his warmth... the warmth that a normal living person has... the warmth that made PAM and I kept on believing that he is still alive... but he is gone now... the thought repeated inside my head like a sick ticker clock... i tried to remember everything we did... i tried to remember if we did something wrong... if we missed something along that course of saving... or are we just fooling ourselves all the while...

i wiped the last few bubbles that came out of his angelic nose... i covered his eyes with the palm of my hands and tried to close the lids slowly... i whispered to his little baby ears... while i lie there waiting for his mother to arrive...

dame: baby... it's ok... sama ka na kay papa jesus... (it's ok baby... you can go with papa jesus now...)

malate chronicles....

mhel: mare!!! nasan ka?

my mobile phone suddenly sounded a lot like my friend mhel. my hands cant seem to grip the gadget tight as i tried to make blood flow thru my numb arm.

dame: sino toh?

mhel: neng!!! andito kami ni tabz sa malate!!! asan ka ba? punta ka dito!!!

mhel was almost screaming while he was trying to make his voice audible in what seem to be a crazy background sound that he was trying to fight off...

dame: huh? anong oras na ba? kagigising ko lang dear... andito ako kina lola.

mhel: pumunta ka dito... andito sila lahat... si tabz, armand, edward, diz, macky at YAMITO... kanina ka pa niya hinahanap...

dame: huh? sino naghahanap?

mhel: si YAM!

dame: bakit?

mhel: ano ka ba? basta pumuntaka na dito!

i looked at the clock and was shocked to see that ive been sleeping for almost 11hours already.

it was 2 in the morning!

dame: oo nga. nag text ata si macky sa akin kanina, nagyayaya pumunta sa Bed. sige ill fix up first and ill see if i could still be able to catch up with you guys

mhel: wait ka namin ha! dito lang kami sa sonata.

i got up as quickly as possible with nothing in my head but to fix up soon to be on my way. i was so busy looking for a shirt to wear when i suddenly realized that the commotion im making woke up my mom.

mommy: where do you think you're going?

dame: si mhel tumawag nasa malate daw sila.

mommy: so susunod ka?

dame: para pagbalik ko sa makati dadaan muna kami dito to pick up my clothes. mabigat kasi yan eh.

mommy: baka naman andun lang si YAMITO kaya ka pupunta?

dame: hindi... sabi ni mhel lahat daw andun... baka andun nga din si YAM pero gusto ko lang talaga sumama sa kanila

my mom had a look of disbelief in her eyes but like the mom that i've always known her to be, she didnt stop me from going out and just made a point.

mommy: baka isipin ng YAMITONG yan na kaya ka pumunta dun dahil sa kanya???

i was stopped by what she said but i tried to continue picking out a proper shoe for my get-up and pushed that bad thought away.

dame: i dont care what he thinks.

i got into my worn out jeans and black tank top and hurriedly went out to hail a cab. my mom's last words for me for the night echoed inside my head like a headache that nagged me through out the whole ride.

who's he with? he tells me that he doesnt even go to malate that often... why is he there? is he with my friends already? what am i going to do if i see him? the questions seemed endless when i saw nakpil street just a couple of blocks away. when i got off the cab, i went straight to sonata and saw the guys. yamito wasn't there. thank goodness...

sonata was a small cramped crowded place where you could smoke inside, have cheap beer and could even spare some coins for one song in the kareoke machine.

it was a table of five. there was tabz, their new friend mike whom i've also just met, mhel and his frustrating and impossible love... or should i say lust interest, armand. they were almost about to finish their drink so i decided not to order anything. they were talking about ex's and prospects.

mhel: ano ba yan?! kanina pa ito ha!

dame: ano yun?

mhel was looking at his mobile phone. probably got a text message.

mhel: etong ex mo kanina pa niya tinatanong kung kasama ka namin?

dame: ano sinabi mo?

mhel: sabi ko susunod ka.

dame: alam na ba niya na andito na ako?

mhel: hindi pa.

dame: good.

mhel: eh ano naman ngayon kung andito ka? sa kanya ba ang malate?

after that short meeting we fell in line for a dance club right at the corner of the promenade. they call it BED. the line was filled with familiar faces but none of them was YAM. when we finally got in i found myself in a dark, cold, loud and crowded room filled with dancing guys. lights flashed in all colors that you could ever imagine and the music never stopped playing. we went up the second level in the VIP lounge where you could see from an open edge that endless dancing and non stop rhythm that was going on the ground floor.

i was about to enjoy the moment becuase it has been so long since i have been back to that place, when a boy in casual shirt, jeans and cap held my shoulders and stared in front of me.

it was YAM.

it seem the music has stopped and all the people just disappeared. what was left in the middle of that wet and cold place was me and YAM. all i could do was to hold him and wrap my arms around him as tight as i could. it felt like i could just stay there forever, but then the music turned back on as loud as ever and the people slowly began danicing again and i was lost in the middle of the endless rhythm.

i pulled away and turned my back on him. i tried to watch the people as they move together with the rhythym.

yam: musta ka na?

i heard him talking behind me.

dame: ok lang naman.

and i left and went to the dance floor. the details of the place were so prominent. the lights, the music, the drinks that danced together with the guys that danced along with them. i dont know what it is that's happening to me becuase in the midst of all of them i kept on looking at the ledge on the next floor, thinking if YAM had been looking. i tried shoving off the thought and pulled myself to feel the fun of the moment so i started to follow the beat.

then there was a guy behind me who seem not too worried about the arbitrary space that should be in between dancing single guys. he was my type, tall and strong, his face seemed so serious but playful, he seem to be somebody who would tell me what to do, somebody who would say that i'm wrong, somebody who could win an arguement over me, somebody who could make me silent with a look, somebody who could tell me to turn all my plans in another direction and i will be happy with it... but he is somebody that i dont know and my speculations could be so wrong.

i was guided by his rhythym... i was swaying in the direction as he is, i was trying to get lost in my dreamy speculations that somebody within this crowded dance floor could be the guy that's my type and i'm hoping to make my chances with the guy behind me.

and then i saw YAM infront of me... dancing...

he held out his arms and put it around my shoulders and i gave in. i held YAM one more time and left my fantasy behind me. we started to dance. for the first time we have dance together. i dont know why we havent done this in the past 5 months that we were still us and now that we are not, we were dancing like we have been doing this ever since. we danced like we will loose each other if we pull away. but i had to pull myself from going back to the suspended life that i had when i was with him.i have to push him away from the hope and agony and optimism of what i could be for him. something i could not be. something i am not capable of giving him. i have loved him, but not in a way where i would jump a cliff to follow him. i have cared for him, but not when i could feel the hurt that has left me blank all this time that i have given him that care. i know in myself that i was selfish and sinful and i could not bare another day that he would look through the eyes of a man who he thinks he loves and trusts. i needed him to wake up from his dream and i needed to wake from my nightmare.

dame: mhel alis na tayo

i called my friend to ask him if he could take me home.

yam: pwede ba ako sumabay sa inyo? kasi pupunta pa ako sa makati office ko.

dame: sige sabay ka na.

i hurriedly went out of the bar and went rushing towards the parking lot. its as if i was trying to get away from a thought that has been so full of integrity i started to cry.

mhel: neng! anong drama mo?

dame: uwi na tayo.

mhel: sasabay daw si yam ok lang ba?

dame: oo naman.

the ride was long and cold. the sky was beginning to bleed with lighter shades from east to west. i was seated at the back with yam and i kept my stare stuck through the window of the car. i was trying to calm down and compose myself. too much had been said that night even if no words have been uttered. silence covered the truth from us. it may be fear of loosing each other, anger that we dont want to burst that might hurt both of us or just the continuous disagreement that was covered by silence and now in that place where the noise of so many speakers and wild music and crazy drunk people, i have also given him the truth within the silence of each others touch.

the gruelling ride home even got worse when i realized that i need to pass by my moms place to get my clothes. the inside of my ears still had the pressure of those mad speakers when i knocked ever so subtly in front of my moms door. she heard it at once. she waited for me.

dame: kunin ko na yung mga damit ko.

mom: so what happened?

dame: masaya naman. daming tao. nakainom ako pero si mhel naman ang nag-drive ngayon.

mom: si yam?

i didnt know why she needed to ask that question. its as if i havent got enough of too much of him for the night that my family still cares of what was happening to me or to us.

dame: kasama ko siya ngayon. sasabay siya papuntang makati.

mom: andyan siya sa car?

dame: yup!

once again she gave me the most sarcastic grin that i felt right through my bones. i was waiting for her to say something about me. i was waiting for her to tell me how stupid i was.

mom: take care ok. im glad you had fun.

she touched my cheeks with her palm and i felt that she was trying to suck all my pain away. she did. it seemed my heavy heart was relieved of all the worries that lingered the whole night.

i remembered when i told yam that it was more of a burden to him if he were to meet my mom... my family. because if things go wrong along the way, it wasnt just me whom he will hurt but my whole family. it has always been that way. i go home to unburden and cry. i look at how this house had been flooded by too much tears and too many disappointments but somehow my mom took everything like she hasnt had enough of the hurt, hers, my sisters and mine. there were too many stories that have been told that made all of us cry, but my mom just had her grin to fill up the spaces with hope and strength. she was more than a mom to me. she is my bearing. she just makes everything do-able... livable. she knew my every heart beat and she knew how hard it is and she understood.

i smiled back at her and went off.

i got home with a heavy head. my eyes were still trying to focus on the blur that might have been caused by the alcohol or that very tiring ride. i dropped face down on my bed and didnt even mind if i still have my shoes on. i know that yam was just right behind me. he stood there as if he was waiting for me to talk.

dame: what time will you need to be in the office?

yam: wala naman. kahit anong oras.

dame: sleep ka muna.

even i didnt believe what just came out of my mouth. but i moved to the side of the bed and gestured that he lay beside me. i know i was out of my mind that crazy sunday morning.

he didnt hesitate. i felt how much he missed me and i missed him too.

he wrapped his arm around me and everything came back. the frustration... the tiring arguement... the immaturity... the lack of trust... the hurt... and i realized that the whole night that i was doing the stupid things that a normal person in a "moving-on stage" shouldnt do, it all would lead to one thought...

"i dont want to go back"

i dont want to be back in that long pause in my life, where everything that i thought would heal me, just left me in a deep hole with nowhere else to go.

and as i drowsed to sleep i knew what to do. i've finally closed this chapter of my life and the next morning when i open my eyes i could look at yam without any regret that my life i now ready to live without him.

what the hell are you doing all alone?

i don't know if life would give me the chance to be happy... or to stay happy...

i have been living it for the past 23 years and destiny seems to take his time to even bother and give me a chance to be happy and to stay happy...

i coursed the whole ride and I'm still stuck in the middle of "where the fuck am i going???" before it seems that time was just a thing that passes by but now, now that Ive been wasting so much time for something that only leads me to the beginning, i feel that life is pulling be back to the time that i was all alone... a time that i felt all alone... surrounded by people but was never with someone... cared for by everyone but never loved by somebody... much of everything but none of that things that matter...

solitude is a pain that grows... deep... buries itself to the pit of your soul and asks the big question... " WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ALL ALONE???"

"how can you pretend that you don't want to kiss him... to hold him... to keep him forever yours?"

"how can you pretend that you don't need him?"

"HOW CAN YOU PRETEND THAT YOU DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE?"

for the fact that you believe... or wanted to believe in all the pretensions...

I've tried to cry many times... I've tried to burst into an angry sob, for all the ruthlessness that destiny has been revealing to me and for all that he still has in store for me... but my heart was hardened by so many hurts... so many expectations... so many disappointments...

and now that i pick up each piece of my broken dreams... my broken hopes... those broken promises... my lonely and broken heart... i don't even want to expect anything that might happen tomorrow...

and happiness is just merely a thing of the past...

look above us...

It was a tiring but fun fun weekend at tagaytay... my boyfriend and i finally had that special time that we shared together and we had the most out of it...

we went home almost around 11pm and i jumped right in the sack... i didn't have that much sleep so i was excited to see my bedroom again...

it wasn't that long when i drifted off and...

... ... ... huh...

there were around four armed men who barged inside our room... i was lying in bed with my friends george and mhel... my bf was standing and tried to pull out something under the bed... i could hear my heart started pounding... it was the shock and the panic that mixed inside my head that made me stutter while i tried a desperate word out of each breath...

all of them pointed guns at us and my bf pointed his own gun, the one that he got under the bed...

"tart... don't!!!" i shouted "please!!! he's just kidding... we're not gonna do anything!!! what do you need?"

my bf put down his gun and crawled over the bed to be beside me...

one of the armed men, grabbed mm arm and pulled me closer... there was this guy that seem so familiar... he didn't have any gun with him but his presence surely made him the leader of the group...

i forced myself to ask him...

"why are you doing this? are you gonna kill us?" i tried to pull that sentence out of my heavy breathing...

"we will kill you..." his eyes drew certainty in his words " but not now... but we will kill you!"

it was those words that shook me off to my consciousness....

... ... ... huh...

george was beside me on my bed. my bf was fixing the room and i was trying to catch my breath.

"i had the most vivid nightmare..." i slowly told the whole story to them...

"honey you're just tired of the trip... go back to sleep" he said while walking towards me and kissed my forehead

it was just a dream and i went back to sleep...

... ... ... 2 in the morning...

i was awaken by a sudden thug of the bed.

"tart... look above me... there's a coffin... there's a mirror..." my bf was trembling while he said those words.

"i cant see anything" i tried to look at the ceiling just above our bed but i cant see anything... " tart... youre dreaming..."

"no! im awake tart... look its there...." he insisted while trying to hug me...

i wrapped my arms around him and pulled him towards me...

"wait!!!" my bf shouted while he was trying to reach for his feet..."someone is grabbing my legs... i cant let go! tart somebody is holding my feet!!!"

i didn't felt anything around my feet... so i sat up and pulled him to consciousness...

"its just a dream baby... look... there's no one there..." i hugged him tight and laid him back to his pillow. "lets go back to sleep ok... don't worry tart... ill be here to protect you..."

it wasnt that long when my bf finally got back to sleep, but i cant seem to focus and sleep... those dreams... both of us... almost at the same time... what could it mean?

are we just tired of the trip?

conversations with a stranger...

so i was taking my "yosi-break" (cigarette break) then my manager introduced me to this new guy in our team... there were around 20 new hires who started 2weeks behind us but i didnt specifically had my eye on this new one... i only got to notice him that night when my manager almost pushed me to get to know him...

his name was thadeo jansen... a guy little shorter than my height...had a dimple on his cheeks (dont exactly know if it was on his left or right... i told you i wasnt noticing him unitl this night...) has a look of a southern filipino, with somewhat chinky eyes, a goatee that you wouldnt initially notice and his signature characteristic... his overly waxed/oiled/wet-look chin length hair...

so there goes my manager,

aurelio: hoy alex si thad, yung bago natin sa batch 2!

alex: ah siya yung may kapangalan sa atin. hello!

aurelio: thad si alex, sayaw kayo.

alex: ano? prom?

so that became the scene that lead to our uncomfortable glances with each other... everytime we pass by the corridor or the bathroom, there was this akward look of who will give out a grin, just for the sake that we were formally introduced or just even because we work in the same team...

but it never happen...

then, with the twist of fate... or maybe becuase we are about to die of boredom in our cubicles... i got an email from my manager telling me to pair up with thad and assist him with his work...

i didnt want to add him in my messenger list, but i didnt had a choice when i got a pop up window on my monitor asking me if i would confirm thad who was sending an add request... then he asked me if i could come over his desk so we could work on the order together...

so i did...

i sat up the side of his desk while he browsed around to get infos regarding this specific job... i was waiting for him to ask, which wasnt that long becuase he doesnt know what he is doing...

thad: pano ba to?

alex: kasi kapang remote request, check mo lang if you could get thru the modem. pag successful mag ping test ka tapos ok na yun

thad: eh ayaw nga mag ping eh

alex: pag ganun, report mo na lang sa proj manager. i-copy mo din ako sa email ha.

thad: ok.

i made it as fast and as smooth as i could to get out of his cubicle... it wasnt because i didnt want the akward feeling that was suspended in the air... there was something else that was suspended in the air... it was his unbearable smell... it seemed like his cologne that my nose couldnt bear... "gwapo nga ang baho naman..." it went on and on in my head... i wanted to think that it was just a wrong choice of cologne (made of toxic chemicals from a dump site)

so i slid back to my cubicle praying that he wouldnt bother me again, when i got a copy of his email to the project manager... when i finished reading it, it sounded a bit sarcastic... so like the critic that i was born to be i IM him...

alex: and choray ng email ha...

thad: anong choray?

alex: taray! tanga naman...

thad: ay sorry di ko alam... ikaw kaya ang mataray dyan... yung name mo kasi parang boxingero na galing mexico...

alex: aba sinong may sabing pede ka mag comment sa name ko? bwahaha... gaga... im not from mexico... im venezuelan...

thad: ay ganun? ang choray!

alex: hahaha... ang bilis ng pick up mo ha...

so i guess he makes me luagh... hope that compensates his awful smell...

nah...

this year's all hollows eve...

the day was as boring as any other working day... needed to complete projects that were pending and had to talk to oblivious project managers along the way... then i got an e-mail from one of my business professors in school asking us to answer this trivia game that she's giving away that would PROBABLY... lemme repeat that... probably give us extra freaking points... so i got around 3 sure bets... lemme see... there's Carrie, then what lies beneath and gothika... some popular horror movies... i mean... no offense to the "POPULAR" part but I'm a fan of slasher movies... the more gooowie blood splashed around the place the better...

we still have a few hours to go to submit our guesses... sigh... boring...

then i had to go to the yearly CREAM party of BIGFISH... not really a big fan... all those straight people... just even thinking about it makes me itchy and start to get hives... (itchy...itchy...itchy...)

it just so happen that one of my classmates in MBA was one of the owners or founders or employee of BIGFISH... not really sure... again i was initially not interested... so everybody in class wanted to support the event that was a yearly flop for the production company (i don't know why they keep on doing this EVERY YEAR!!!!)

so after work... had dinner in greenbelt with a friend... who's dying to see what i'm going to wear... well let's admit it... like REGINA GEORGE and the rest of the MEAN GIRLS... holloween is the time of year that anybody can wear something slutty and not be considered a total whore... maybe just a little...

and the transformation began... starting from my suede doll shoes... knee high socks... yellow and white checkered pleated skirt... a white hanging sailor collared shirt... a leather back pack and a shoulder length pitch black wig... all combined together would create the image of an innocent high school girl... yummy!!!!

i gathered all my guts to even muster the thought of it and finally came to the party... it was a mixture of total embarrassment and extreme excitement...

well... i'm mostly embarrassed so i took the "get up" off 2 hours after hiding in a spot where the beating lights doesnt reach...

argh!!!! same old same old parties... just like last year and the year before that...

met a couple of hotties in the party... usually straight one... NOT INTERESTED! then i was introduce to some celebrities... that i'm fully unaware that they were... (I DON'T WATCH LOCAL TV)

had a few drinks... danced a little... and went straight home and into the SACK!!!

argh!!!! same old same old... just like last year and the year before that...

Your Typical Newbie!!!

... so i finally decided to start an account here. somebody told me it's fun. so far i haven't had that yet. maybe I'm looking at the wrong place. anyways, I'll be posting some of my rants and raves over this site and hopefully something really fun happens. ciao ciao for now! XOXO!