Tuesday, August 28, 2012

TODAY IS CARBS DAY!

Another year has passed and I am still using the same intro ever since my first Birthday Blog. It would take too long to mention in detail everything that happened so I’m just going to slice it down into numerical identification those HUGE blessings that came my way this wonderful year of Damianne:
  1. I finally passed my Oral Comprehensive Exam and has now received my diploma for my Masters Degree in Business! Which culminated to a grand graduation ceremony where my Dad was able to attend. This was a big deal for me because he was not able to see me graduate in High School or College, so the more special this day for me was.
  2. I got promoted at WORK! Finally, someone noticed the importance of my contribution. (need I expound more?)
  3. I get to break my BEACH record this year! I went to Boracay 5 times and went to Koh Phangan, Thailand to go to the Full Moon Beach Party! I have never been this TAN ever BEFORE! Cumulatively, that was more than 6 weeks of frolicking on the hot beach SAND and under the tan stimulating SUN!
I am thankful to the new friends I met along the way who taught me piece by piece how much lucky I am to have treasured so many of them. I am thankful to my old friends that never failed to keep their presence felt and keep in touch in times when I’m at my most vulnerable! Thanks guys really (using my sarcastic tone! LOL!). To my family that never failed to keep their patience intact from my never-ending nags and limitless rants, I give them my highest respect.
I guess this is all for now and although I know that I am going to be another year older, I wish there would still be things, events and people that I would come across with that I would consider to be a first. Its those first time experiences that molds who I am, it makes me face things I have not encountered before and its those heart-stopping events that keeps me looking forward to a whole new year ahead.

Friday, June 8, 2012

A Love Story

Once upon a time, in an island there lived all the feelings and emotions : Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to them that the island would sink! So all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a boat. Love said,
"Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "Sorry Love, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat and so there is no place here for you."

Love next asked Vanity who was also sailing by. Vanity was also ready with the same answer.
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, take me along with you."
"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!", sadness said in a sullen voice.

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so preoccupied with her happiness that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder. An overjoyed Love jumped up into the boat and in the process forgot to ask where they were going. When they arrived at a dry land, the elder went her own way.

Realizing how much was owed to the elder, Love asked Knowledge another elder, "Who Helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" thought Love. Then, as if reading the face of Love, Knowledge smiled and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

Friday, February 17, 2012

A Real Boyfriend

I remember how you were and I'm sure you are still.

When I stare at his mouth... HE KISSES ME...

When I lay my hand on his shoulder... HE TILTS HIS HEAD TO KISS ME...

When I look into his eyes... HE WOULD NOT LOOK AWAY UNTIL I WOULD...

When I mess up his hair... HE WOULD PIN ME DOWN AND TICKLE ME UNTIL I STOP...

When I'm about to go to sleep... HE SENDS ME A MESSAGE...

When I just got up from bed... I GET HIS GOODMORNING FROM MY PHONE...

When I'm quiet... HE ASKS ME WHAT'S WRONG...

When I ignore him... HE MAKES FACES TO GET MY ATTENTION...

When I push him away... HE PULLS ME BACK AND NEVER LETS GO...

When I walk away from him... HE NEVER STOPS FOLLOWING ME...

When I ask him if I look good... HE SAYS I LOOK DAMN HOT...

When I wake up all sluggish in the morning... HE TELLS HOW GOODLOOKING I AM...

When my eyes start to fill with tears... HE WOULD HOLD ME AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER...

When he sees me crying... HE WOULD ASK WHO HE WOULD PUNCH THIS TIME...

When I least expect he's there... HE SNEAKS UP AND HUGS ME FROM BEHIND...

When I tell him a secret... HE WOULD KEEP IT SAFE AND UNTOLD FOREVER...

When I call him late at night... HE NEVER PUTS DOWN THE PHONE UNTIL I DO...

When I'm scared... HE HOLDS MY HAND TIGHT...

When I wear his favorite shirt... HE LETS ME KEEP IT FOR A DAY...

When I watch my favorite anime series... HE WATCHES IT WITH ME EVEN IF HE DOESN'T LIKE IT...

When I'm bored... HE HANGS OUT WITH ME...

When I tease him... HE TEASES ME BACK AND MAKES ME LAUGH...

When I pause to answer... HE REASSURES ME THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK...

When I look at him with doubt... HE BACKS UP HIS STORIES WITH THE TRUTH...

When I tell him I'm OK... HE WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME...

When I tell him I like him... HE KNOWS MORE THAN HE COULD UNDERSTAND...

When I tell him I love him... HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME MORE...

Thursday, January 27, 2011

You're Just A Lucky Guy

it's been almost 2 years... almost 2 years since that day, when there seem to be no hope... when there seem to be just I fighting against nature... against heaven... against hopelessness... trying so hard to keep myself calm... trying to remember how to breathe...

and just like any day... time never stopped ticking... it passed and so did that day... and so did the cries, the wails, the pants, the hopelessness... even though time seemed to ticked slower than usual, it did tick and it helped fade away the memory...

Dame: I don’t understand why i lived and they died

Neil: Maybe you still have a purpose... haven't you thought about that???

Dame: So you're saying those who died didn't have a purpose? There were children out there, did you know that???

Neil: Maybe that's their purpose.

Dame: To die???

Niel: alam mo friend... wag ka masyadong mayabang... BAKIT BA MAS MAGALING KA PA SA PLANO NG DIYOS??? hindi porket cumlau-cumlaudehan ka... eh mas matalino ka na sa DIYOS!!! (you know what??? Stop being a proud little brat… who do you think you are, trying to think that you can do it better than GOD??? Stop believing that anything you learned in life matter… stop thinking you’re smarter than him…)

and it hit me... more than the batting of the waves that day when we were stranded in the middle of the sea... that day when everything doesn’t seem to have any sense... or PURPOSE... i remember every time i tell people my story... how they all have the same reaction... "you were lucky to be alive..." that made me angry... angry at the fact that luck was the only reason why i survived... that it was a matter of statistic, a matter of circumstance... and i struggled, for a long time to comprehend... "what was the purpose of all of this???"

Dame: ang dami pa niyang kelangan gawin sa buhay... ang bata-bata pa niya... (those kids could have been somebody someday… they were just kids…)

Rev. Chris: so tell me... ano pa ang pwede nilang gawin? (so what do you think could they have been?)

Dame: hindi ko alam... pede silang maging doctor... abogado... or pari parang ikaw... (I don’t know… a doctor, maybe someone who can cure cancer, a lawyer or a priest even… like you…)

Rev. Chris: Listen to what you just answered... YOU DONT KNOW... hindi mo alam...

Dame: anong point mo father? (so what’s your point?)

Rev. Chris: ang point ko... hindi mo alam kung anong mangyayari... (the point is that you don’t know… you have no IDEA) you don't know what's going to happen in the future... no one knows... so why do you keep on lingering on what will happen and not just learn from what happened and what's happening now

Dame: what's happening now is that i'm angry and confused

Rev. Chris: saan ka confused? kanino ka galit? (why are you confused? who are you angry at?)

Dame: i'm confused of all the questions that are going on inside my head... and im angry at...

Rev. Chris: alejandro... kahit kababata kita hindi ko naman hahayaang magalit ka boss ko... actually, boss mo din yun... wala kang karapatan dahil wala ka naman alam... HINDI MO ALAM KUNG ANONG DAHILAN at KUNG BAKIT... (alejandro… doesn’t mean we’re friends since grade school that I’ll allow you to be that resentful to my boss… he’s also your boss you know… and nobody has any right because YOU DO NOT KNOW and YOU HAVE NO IDEA…)

Dame: bakit kasi sinesekreto pa niya? sa tingin ko mas maiintindihan ng mga tao kung bakit may namamatay at may naiiwang buhay kung alam nila kung bakit? kung alam nila kung ano ba talagang plano niya? (then why don’t he just tell everybody his GREAT PLAN… i really think that people needs to know the reason why somebody dies ahead of the other…)

Rev. Chris: bakit kung sabihin ba niya sa'yo maiintindihan mo? (and if he tells you… do you think you would even understand?) I DON"T THINK YOU WILL EVEN COME CLOSE IN UNDERSTANDING HIS WILL... simple lang yan dame... "THY WILL BE DONE..."

humble wasn't a word i often use in my vocabulary... i was trained to be good at everything and make everyone know that i'm good... if you know the answer, shout it out... be the first one to say it... if you have a question, ask it... and never stop looking for the answers... but this time... i was stuck... and i know i won't get any answers from anybody... and all of what happened changed me... who doesn't change after being stuck in the middle of the sea without land in sight in any direction? who doesn't change after being drained of all hope? who just picks himself up after an experience like that, moves forward, without looking back and say "hey, i'm a lucky guy!" WHO DOES THAT?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

One Against A Million Reasons

A knock at the door got me up from an afternoon of doing nothing but stare at the ceiling. A man that i used to know was standing behind it as i opened it and stared some more.

Dame: Hello.
Yoshi: Hi... I don't know where else to go.

I stared at him for a few more minutes. His eyes were watery and his lips were trembling.

Dame: I'm sorry, yes come in.

I saw him scan my room. It was small and pathetic. The corners made everything look smaller than it already is. The butter-colored walls draw nothing in his eyes and that was exactly what was on the walls and the furniture and the bed and the windows, NOTHING.

Yoshi: I like what you've done with the place... it's so...
Dame: Empty???

He was still sarcastic even when his eyes were all red and teary. I saw a grin appeared on his boyish little face. He looked at me with a smile but with tears pouring from his eyes.

Yoshi: You always do that.
Dame: What?
Yoshi: You make me laugh and cry at the same time.
Dame: What's the matter.
Yoshi: You are.
Dame: What?
Yoshi: Come home damey...

It was almost 2 years since i last saw those sincere eyes. He asked me to live with him if I wanted him to stay in Manila. He told me that it is too much of a risk to take a pass on that big job offer just to be with me and he is only willing to do it if he was really going to be with me. Those eyes were the same eyes that asked me to live with him 2 years ago and now how I wished I didn't.

Dame: You know that that would not solve anything.
Yoshi: I haven't asked you this before you left... is this what you really want?
Dame: Yes!
Yoshi: Then why haven't you told anybody?
Dame: Because you haven't told anybody...
Yoshi: Because I've always hoped that you would come back, because i know you would

He saw right though me. He saw right through my heart. I tried not to look back when i got my last pair of shoes from his condo unit, but he knew that my heart was not like that. He knew me very well, but i do not know him. For 3 years that we've been together i tried to figure out each word, each expression, each wink, each grin, each sigh, but i can't see through him.

Dame: Can't you see that I'm trying? I'm trying really hard! There are a million reasons to go back to the way we were. There are a million reasons to to hold on to what we have, but there is one reason that keeps me from coming home Yoshi.

I promised myself not to cry in front of him again. But he always makes me cry. He picks me up from a mess, he points out where i went wrong and he makes me feel helpless. Not now, not from this decision.

Dame: You always make me cry.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Vacation!!!! AT LAST!!!

once again i have proven to myself and to rest of my overly thrifty "bench/penshoppe" friends that spending a little bit more in apparel could really change your already miserable life... i haven't got the chance to prove this before because all the proof i need is that 100 million dollar feeling whenever i wear my donna karan knitted jacket... but finally... after spending almost a years savings for a vintage dolce and gabbana 3-button suit, which costs me almost $700 (and i got this on a good bargain...) and a $50 banana republic diagonal black and white stripped slim tie and another $500 for a pair of black ferragamo leather shoes... the heavens finally noticed that they might consider people with good taste in clothes as one of the major factors to get sure seats up there...

it was last monday when this all happened... i woke up around 9am in the morning and got ready for the make or break moment that would shape the rest of my vacation plans for december... once again here's a flashback...

last may my lovely girl friend got the thing we all have been waiting for... her fiancee visa to be approved... and in a blink of an eye, without hesitation nor any teary goodbyes i just realized that she jumped on the first plane going to las vegas and left everybody here in the philippines to rot!

and so she got civilly married there and because the pinoy blood still holds her already bisaya accent... everybody still wanted to have another wedding ceremony together with all the white curtains they could muster and the longest trail they could put together and all the white petals they can cover the floor with... and the date was set... december 27... AND I AM GOING TO SING!!!

well, that was the original plan until we realized that my attendance was enough destruction for the ceremony already... so we just stick to the lesser evil (bwahahahaha...)

and then i forgot that my US Visa was already expired... but how can i miss this life threatening event? the timing is just right... got 3weeks vacation leave available... the semester for my MBA is about to end... i have free tickets to the states and I HAVE FREE TICKETS TO THE STATES!!! who am i to stop myself from another luxurious trip half-way around the world... besides it's already been a year since i really got out of the philippines or anywhere within it's vicinity (i mean... south east asia... you get the drift?)

so now we go back to the early part of the blog... i got up one monday morning and fixed myself to look as expensive as the clothes i'm wearing... (IT WAS HARD!!!) i spent all my life trying not to eat too much... thankfully it paid off... i haven't been over 150 pounds and the only flab that appeared in my body was that ounce of fat around my love-handle... but i maintained my lean figure.... problem now is... i look too thin... it's exceptionally great when the suit fitted like a runway model... but also exceptionally malnourished (bwahahahah!!!!)

my friend picked me up and dropped me off to the US Embassy... he said it was a form of support for all my efforts... but of course he's expecting me to bring him that D&G watch he's been eying on ebay when i get back from the states... (oh well... meet my friends...)

The line outside the embassy was long and exhausting... imagine wearing my coat and tie under the heat of the manila sun (talk about overdressed!) and what made matters worse is that i'm pretty sure i was the only one there who thought it best to wear something formal... NOT... but i kept my composure and just imagined everybody wearing the same thermal suit that i'm wearing...

it was'nt that long when somebody tapped my shoulder and introduced herself... she was one of the applicant's... she was a dentist and by the looks of her she's quite a good one... we made small talk and i learned that she was intending to attend a confrence in san francisco... i didn't realize that it's going to be one of the countless petty stories i will hear for the rest of my stay in that irritating line... there was an old lady who has a sister in the states who was dying, another was attending a wedding and a funeral right after, another wanted to take acting classes in the states... it just goes on and on... and then i reflected on my reason... it was simple, short and unconvincing... VACATION!!!!

right after graduation, i was one of the stupid people who thought that working immediately was the sane thing to do... i didn't realize that you have the rest of your life to work and only have a year of spending your 20th year here on earth without worry and burden... but i was excited to earn (actually i was excited to buy the new chuck taylor sneakers... well it was in style 5 years ago)... and so while i was reviewing for the board exam i worked... it was fun but extremely tiring (specially when it's pay day and i need to drag myself to the mall and SHOP!!!! hahaha)... then i got to work for an AIRLINE company that was more of HELL than actually a little room you call an office (with which the only thing that made me stay is that i get to wear my ties and shirts and my shoes everyday at work)... then after wasting 30 long months of my life i decided to go for what i really wanted to do... build data communications networks... (hahahahaha... geeekkkyyy!!!!! well after this i'll be working for NASA... you just wait!) and then after more than a year of tweaking routers and switches i decided to TAKE A BREAK!!! and this was it...

my number was called... 2970... i walked confidently towards the window where the consul was on the other side... and gave him my $130 application form and my passport... he looked at me while i streched my shirt inside my suit... he asked my age... and where i'm going to in the states... i said i am 24 and im going to san francisco and then new york... he gave me a smirk and inserted a yellow slip in my passport... i was ready to get all my requirements in my little black keeper when he suddenly said that i was approved and to pay at the pavillion for the courier... i was on the verge of jumping, but i remembered my $700 DOLCE will not be so proud of me if i do that... so i smiled at the consul and told him to have a GOOD ONE!!! A REALLY GOOD ONE!!!

Next Major BLOG!!! Hello San Francisco and New York!!!!

San Francisco Trip (part 1)

this is going to be a long one...

i woke up tensed as i realized it's time for me to zip up my bags and catch the last flight to san francisco... it wasn't as if i was never coming back but i made sure i got my favorite pairs of SHOES (mind the plural form... SHOES!!!) tucked in my luggage and ready to be the first one to step on foreign ground... it had been a while since the last time I've been to the states... lemme see, i guess it's almost 7 years... i haven't really missed it but i guess the reason why i was so excited is because of the friends I'm going to see again after that very long 7 years...

my best friend (lance) knocked on my condo unit door... i knew it was him, using his signature knock... he was with a FRIEND I've never seen before and by the looks of it... it's more than that... i didn't bother asking him who he really was and I'm sure lance thought of it as weird... I'm really tensed to go to the airport and lingering on some juicy gay stories from my best friend isn't helping... i finally zipped my luggage... which had been slowly bulking up as the days approached my departure... it always seem that I'm forgetting something but I'm oblivious what it is... another shirt... another underwear... a scarf... a bottle of after shave... a small paper back book... some cologne... another cologne... at some point it was my roommate who made the effort and finally locked my red suit case to end my endless dilemma... but of course i have my other bag... which on its own weighed almost as heavy as that jam packed crimson suitcase... but i have mastered the art of travel now and packing was one thing I'm very good at... i could fit 4 pairs of Italian shoes, 10 undies, 10 socks, 3 aviator shades, 2 jackets, 3 leather belts, 4 shirts, my passport, a lip balm and even slip in a can of Altoids in what you might say a small trolley bag... every thing would fit, but the weight is one whole story altogether...

on the road, i suddenly got an SMS from my other close friend (i didn't know that this was going to be a convoy ride to the airport... but i was flattered) and finally after getting off the car and unloading my baggage, we made small hugs and kisses (like I'm not going to come back or something like that... oh well... it's part of the gay thing... drama is just seeping out of everything... QUEENS... DRAMA QUEENS... haha...) and soon i was right in front of the check-in counter...

i saw myself squeezing thru the small aisle of the aircraft all the way to the back... that's what you get when your tickets are for free... but in some magical way, the people in the plane was kind enough to give me a seat with the whole row unoccupied... the first unfriendly looking flight attendant told me that it was going to be an 11hr flight so i better get myself comfortable... and so i did...

my nuzzling was cut short when i heard somebody complaining, seated behind me, woke me up... "i was suppose to be seated in the center aisle!" he kept on going... it seems like i'm the only one bothered by his ramblings... "excuse me, can't you see everyone is sleeping in this damn plane?" i said while i was still lying down, sprawled across the 5 unoccupied seats... then he stopped... for a moment there i was a bit scared, i was imagining a huge man coming over my seat and was going to beat the living daylights out of me... i scrunched a little and pretended to be sleeping when i felt the guy stood up behind my seat and hovered above me... "what did you say?" he asked.

"i said could YOU at least keep it down... we still have to bear another 8-hour flight... so just..." i answered trying to gather what little courage i got... and then to make my words a bit scary i stared straight up at him... "YOSHI???" i whispered, trying to keep my racing heart from shouting... what the hell are you doing here???

"THE CAPTAIN HAS TURNED ON THE FASTEN-YOUR-SEAT-BELT-SIGN
..." the public speakers went on to notify the passengers that we are approaching San Francisco Airport. I opened my eyes leaving that blurry vision of my dreaded past in that dream and thought that it was a bad sign... well i can't turn back now... I'm already in San Francisco...

(end of introduction)

It was a long line at the San Francisco Airport of Entry.... there was a whole row of Homeland Security Officers, it wasn't that long when it was my turn to present myself to this adorable officer... he looks very Latino, had the most dreamy eyes I've seen in years... "please step behind that line and look straight at the camera please..." officer Latino ordered me while i was putting my two huge suitcases aside... "it's a chilly end of year huh... when was the last time it was this cold here???" i blabbered out my desperate act of making a conversation... a part of my brain is laughing its heart out (... you little Asian slut!!!) "sir, can i request that you stop talking and look straight at the camera" he interrupted my pathetic small talk... "certainly, officer..." i blunted out the best British accent i could muster hoping i would at least get some degree of respect from this rude but extremely cute guy... (i forgot... he saw my Philippine passport... you hopeless Asian whore!!!)

after that short photo shoot the Latino officer told me to go to secondary security... WTF???!!! did i get too far??? i have been in that line long enough to notice that I'm the only one told to go to secondary security... so i dragged my disappointed Asian ass to that dreaded room and waited for me to get cleared... (EMBARRASSING!!!) "

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Mother's Instinct

I woke up freezing my toes. It was my third day at Yoshi's sister's house. I didn't realize that Australia chills over while everybody in Manila is enjoying the hot sun of summer. A knock at the door pushed me out of my bed.

Yoshi's Mom: breakfast is ready.

Dame: thank you. i'll just fix up and i'll be down in a second.

I brushed my teeth before i went to the kitchen. The smell of eggs and cheese made my stomach grumble.

Dame: smells good.

Yoshi's Mom: its just scrambled eggs. it's yoshi's favorite.

Dame: where is he?

Yoshi's Mom: oh... he went out. He said he will be meeting some of his friends. He didn't tell you?

Dame: oh, yeah. I think he mentioned it to me last night.

He didn't say anything about it. There wasn't any plan to leave me in this house where i felt i was unwanted. He said he'll be here for me, to protect me from them, to protect us from the stabbing stares and the judging grins, but now i'm alone here and i have no idea when yoshi is going to come back.

I sat on the kitchen table, worried with the company i have, my boyfriend's mother.

Yoshi's Mom: He's really like that. You can't keep him in one place. And if your pace is too slow for him, he'll leave you behind.

Dame: What?

It's as if she read my mind. I pretended not to understand what she was talking about, but i am fully aware of what she said.

Yoshi's Mom: Where did the two of you meet?

Dame: I met your son in Manila. In a bookstore. He was very charming. I believe it was almost two years ago. I can't believe it's already two years.

Yoshi's Mom: Yes. Time flies really fast. Especially when you're having fun. You should enjoy it while it lasts.

That made me shut my mouth up. I tried to look for any other meaning of what she said, but it's clear that she doesn't like me. She placed a plate on top of the table infront of me and i started to eat quietly.

Yoshi's Mom: How many siblings do you have?

Dame: I have two sisters. I'm the oldest.

I tried not to keep the conversation going, but she kept on with her questions, which felt more like an interrogation.

Yoshi's Mom: It's just yoshi and his older sister for me. Yes, how time flies so fast. His sister is about to get married and yoshi...

She looked at me with distinct taste of disgust.

Yoshi's Mom: and yoshi... is all the way in Manila...

I couldn't take it anymore. I took a deep breath.

Dame: Maam, When I met your son, I didnt know that he could be someone i will trust my life with. I met him and got to know him and then i learned that you did a very good job. His parents did a great job in raising him. He is sweet, he is responsible, he is brilliant and he loves me very much. And i love him. Maybe not as much as you do, but i know i'm getting there. It just had been two years that we were together but those were very happy years for us. I want you to know that maam. Your son is very happy, maam.

She suddenly stopped whatever she's doing. The air seemed to stop moving around us. She took a glass of water and set it beside my plate. I realized that all the while I was talking she never blinked.

Yoshi's Mom: Finish your breakfast. Have more eggs. Both you and yoshi are so thin. You should eat a lot.

She placed more eggs and two more slices of bread on my plate.

Yoshi's Mom: And please stop calling me maam. Call me mother.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

conversation with an anonymous MORON...

Disclaimer: Warning! This does not intend to categorize anyone related, directly or indirectly, to any institution. This is just a mere experience and how the conversation went along. If you think you will be offended by the harshness or insensitivity of this dialogue, I suggest you stop reading at this point. Once again, I do not intend to make a point out of this post nor do I intend to criticize, make fun or demean anybody related to any institution.

I was quietly reading my Business Economics textbook when suddenly a message appeared in the computer monitor...

Reef: hi... you look familiar... are you a DLSU grad?

I was logged-on to one of those social websites so i wasn't surprised when this anonymous guy popped up in my screen...

Dame: why?
Reef: nothing... I'm from DLSU kasi... where are you now???
Dame: I'm from makati... but im in alabang right now...
Reef: really... i live in alabang but i work in makati... small world huh?
Dame: i guess so...
Reef: so what are you here for??? friends??? relationship??? EBs??? SEBs???
Dame: im sorry to disappoint you dude... but i don't go for those here...
Reef: ok... that's cool... hope we could meet and talk... btw... what's your stats? age???
Dame: it's in my profile... you haven't read it have you???
Reef: your age isn't there...
Dame: it is there pare... but for your comfort and convenience... i took the initiative to paste what was already written there... are you sure you're from DLSU or baka CSB ka???

***** Stats: 24.175cm.65kg - 5'9".143lbs
***** Body & Ethnics: Athletic & Mixed
***** Hair: Brown
***** Body Hair:
***** Eyes: Brown
***** Piercings: None
***** Tattoos: None

Reef: yeah... i've already read that... what i'm asking is your age??? i'm from CSB... you can ask me anything about it...

at that time i don't know what has got in to me when all my biatchy-ness oozed out of my ears...

Dame: pare... the first thing you see in my stats is my age... malabo ba??? Stats: 24.175cm.65kg - 5'9".143lbs >>> "24" hindi naman siguro ako 24.175cm diba??? ano ako dwende??? for a DLSU guy you would disappoint me... but coz you're from CSB i understand...

and after that i realized i was being unimaginably rude...

Dame: sorry if im this sarcastic... i just don't like slow people... bare with me...
Reef: uhmmm sorry dude... i rarely check this site and i wudnt even know that ur age wud be included there... it said stats not age...

but i can't help it... i kept on and on... argh!!!

Dame: its in my nature... for those who dont know me they would really get turned-off... but for those who do they are actually thankful... just a piece of advice... dont rely too much on whats on the label... people who put "do not drink" on poison bottles actually put it there for people like you... it's what they call "COMMON SENSE" but you don't have to worry it's congenital... so you can't blame yourself...

Reef: AND DNT MAKE URSELF MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE COZ AT THE END OF THE DAY... UL SEE WHO IS PROPERLY EDUCATED AND NOT... THANKS...

and that was his last message... i wonder when will that end of the day be for him???

NAKU NAGALIT ATA!!! WAAAHHH I'M SO BAD!!! SORRY PO... I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION... RIGHT???

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

HummingBird Bakery (My First London Trip...Nostalgia)

the opening of the 2nd Hummingbird Bakery branch in London last year started my wild anticipation that i cant help but to keep my hands from my Fendi luggage bag and drag my ex-boyfriend's ass from his endless paper work and his consumed frantic mind, like he was trying to cure cancer or something, and got the cheapest ticket to Heathrow.

but that wasn't the only reason i wanted to go to London...

i met a guy the last time i've been to London while i was waiting for my ex-boyfriend to come back from a 5-day business trip to Manchester so I had to think of something that I could do so as not to rot inside the Arosfa Hotel for the next 5-days (if i were even there today, it would blow my brains out because i could clearly remember that it was a non-smoking hotel where a small part of London's fresh air still lingers... who cares about fresh air??? i need a puff!!! right now!!!)

i remember when my ex and i got out of the cab from Heathrow and went straight to Arosfa (my ex doesn't waste time... he already had everything planned... even my ever so boring 5-day wait...) We stayed in a single room, in which the bed seem to be really just for one person, as what was planned (ARGH!!!) which only costs us 55/night. We unpacked our things and early the next day he got straight to the airport to take the first flight to Manchester.

so i found myself in a small room... alone... and just decided to take a long bath to make time run a bit faster... after my 2 hour bath i realized it was only 10 in the morning... i couldn't help but to pick myself up from that miserable state and thought of going around Bloomsbury.

just as i stepped out of the hotel i felt my stomach rumbling, so i walked the short length of Gower street then around Chenies until i found the very first Tube in London that i was sure i was about to ride...

i stepped right in the subway and popped up the tickets my ex bought for us the moment we stepped out of the airport (talk about OCD!), i remembered that i took the subway near Goodge Street that was bound South of London.

i haven't had the feel of the ride when i noticed a guy in a pale blue sweatshirt, ragged blue jeans and worn out sneakers was staring at me. i was standing at the corner near the service entrance and he was sitting a couple of feet directly across me. he had deep blue eyes and dark blonde hair. he had a feel of a pure Englishman if it were not for the clothes that he's in.

he looked at me straight on and made sure i felt that there wasn't anybody he was looking at. i tried looking in another direction but his piercing stare just kept on tapping my peripheral view. scary thoughts rambled in my head and i kept on repeating in my mind that taking the tube all by myself was a bad idea.

the next stop seem to be a light at the end of a tunnel and my instinct told me to get off as fast as i could. the moment i stepped off the tube and on the platform. it was an intersection stop so i got in the other tube where i have no idea where its heading. i know that i'm gonna hate myself again for getting in another train, but might as well be out of harms way.

"Oxford Circus!" was the next stop that i heard from the speakers just above me, i thought ill just be picking out a nice name and get off at that station...

Bond Street... Marble Arch... Lancaster Gate... Queensway...

Notting Hill Gate...

the sound of the next stop sounded like ive heard it from some movie before so i decided to pick this one out and see whats outside this station. i went out for real air and saw myself in a normal street with rows of shops and residences that have the same architectural facade. different shades of pale colors are the only distinction of each establishment.

i turned to a street called Portobello Road which immediately transported me to a Mary Poppins theme place. i wished i brought with me an umbrella just to complete the aura.

people started to crowd most of the length of the road and i finally saw something i could do in London that i am certainly good at. SHOPPING!!!

there seem to be a market that stretches way to the end of the road. fresh meat are piled and hanged on little stalls to my left and right. Second-hand clothes with designer garments and vintage denim and leather line in a row at boutiques and there are food stalls with great bread and cheese, but the one that attracted me most are the antiques, or they seem to look antique, that are for sale.

there's this one specific shop that caught my eye as its sign was a clay or ceramic like teapot hanging in front of its door entrance. i went in and found myself in the middle of the most number of antiques i've seen in my entire life. it felt like i just came out of a time machine.

there were china porcelains with gold and silver engravings hanging on the wall. little jars and vases are lined up in a row under the paintings that hanged on the one wide yellowing wall. i could see vintage clothes on every corner that hangers could fit and brilliant chandeliers hovered on top of me. there were eerie looking busts, old wooden cabinets, animal wood carvings of pigeons, tortoises and cats, heavy wooden music boxes, a clock in a shape of an 6 pointed star hanging at the wall at the back of the cash register and low lighted lamps and shades that gave effect of age and authenticity.

but from all those remarkable items that i could have purchased i was intimately interested at the collection of old jewelry displayed inside a glass locker at the left corner of the store. there was this snake-like gold bracelet that has lost its shine because of age that i became infatuated with.

i asked the store merchant if i could take a look at the item and i immediately tried it on. it was perfect and when i glanced at its price tag i trembled a bit, poutted with disappointment and handed it back to the merchant.

"its a bit too expensive for me." i said and gave out a grin that was a mixture of disappointment and anticipation. the little trinket costs more than my whole stay here in London.

then a man just popped out from somewhere glided out behind me held my wrist just as im about to give back the bracelet to the merchant.

"i see you haven't been in these places before?" his question sounded like it was more of what he thought and not that he wanted answer for it. "bargaining is one thing you could exhaust here in Kensington."

i looked at his hand and my sight crawled from his pale blue sweatshirt to his deep blue eyes. it was the man from the train. i didn't move away from his grip as i was deep in my thoughts of figuring out how he managed to follow me here.

"my kind sir, maybe you could give this to my friend for 400 pounds" he magically pulled a credit card out of his sleeves and pushed it towards the counter with his left hand while his right still had the steady grip on my wrist.

the merchant frowned but took the card and was about to punched in the closed purchase.

"im sorry but i was just looking around. i wasn't really planning on buying anything." i crammed each word out of my mouth and used what little i learned from my aikido class and managed to get out from his grip.

"well, i was planning to buy that one for you." he stared at me like he was trying to tell me something. i stared back with a big question mark on my face and time seem to pass by so fast that the little bracelet was ready in a little box and was stuffed in a tiny paper bag.

"are you new here?" the tall blonde man asked me. i tried to look for a little hesitation from all his extravagant gesture but failed to find any.

"yes, just on vacation." i answered like a robot. "im sorry but who the hell are you?"

the question came out my mouth in the most foreign way he could ever get and i was hoping that he already got the idea that im just a tourist and wish he hates tourists from Asia.

"i never heard someone who could talk that fast. are you Australian?" he asked me back.

"no, i'm Asian. i'm sorry to be rude but i was just looking around and was really going to grab breakfast. i don't want to get into your morning." i said with a subtle sarcasm of wanting to be alone. " so if you don't mind ill be on my way."

"i know a great patisserie around the corner. its actually a french bakery lost in the middle of London, but there's a touch of UK in it. i think you'll like it" he pushed that insistent phrase that i realized that it wouldn't really hurt to go around London with a tour guide.

"you got me. ok. but first, whats your name and how come you've been following me around?" i demanded. " i saw you in the train and now you just happen to pop out from nowhere."

"im william." he held out his hand to shake mine and i gave him my ice cold palm." you really dont seem to like the weather here. i could imagine how much nice the weather is in the tropics."

we walked slowly towards that breakfast place he was talking about while i try to get the most out of my probing questions.

"so what do you do? where are you from here?" i thought the more questions i ask the more freaked out he will be.

"im just a simple IT guy here. i work with one of the .coms website. i live around the west side of central london. not far from here." he answered back but dosnt seem to be interested in anything about me.

we arrived in a place called The Hummingbird Bakery and with the looks of the place, i already knew that this breakfast is going to be a hefty one. The whole place was pink and when i got in i was flooded with baby colors. Blues and Reds and Yellows and a lot of Pink. I automatically remembered my boyfriend who was away for work and how much i wish that we shared this breakfast together, but all i got is this stranger that is getting stranger by the minute.

i ordered a banana cream pie and coffee and william just got himself a latte. by now i hurriedly went to the cash register to pay for our bill. he smiled and chuckled a bit when he saw me racing towards the end of the counter.

"you're funny guy. i havent got your name" that was the start of his endless questions the whole time we were having breakfast.

"im damianne. i came here with my boyfriend here in but he had some business in Manchester so i just decided to stay here rather than bore myself there." that sounded more that what he asked me but i figured maybe he would go away if he knows that i have a boyfriend.

"thats not so nice of him. leaving you here all alone. well, at least you get to go anywhere you want." he just kept that smile hanging over his face like he wanted to tell me something.

we talked about work. We talked about food. We talked about Manila and London. We talked for almost 2 hours and i realized that its almost noon.

"It has been a wonderful morning with you damianne. But i have to go now. Im meeting somebody for lunch." He stood up towering everybody in the bakery and scooped his bag and coat and stretched his hands towards me. I stood up realizing how pathetic my height is around him and compensated by shaking his hands with a tight grip.

I stayed for another round of those pies and added a milk shake with it. I promised myself that ill skipped lunch with a big breakfast that i had. I suddenly realized that all the while that i was alone there the little paper bag with the gold trinket was just sitting on the chair where william was seated a while ago.

I blew a deep sigh but was really thinking of running after william but i guess im not too familiar of the place and i don't want to bump with another stranger.

I went back to my hotel room and decided to wait for the next four days for my boyfriend to return. It was boring but i'd rather not get into another scne like that and inasmuch as i wanted to give the bracelet back to william i don't think its right if i would now be the one stalking him.

The rest of our trip to London ended up being nice and what i expected. When my boyfriend got back we stayed for another 2 days to go around and take pictures everywhere. I wore the bracelet the whole time we were going around London and my boyfriend doesnt seem to notice it was new.

A few days after we returned back in Manila, my boyfriend asked me about some misplaced calling card that he wasnt familiar with and that was out of his stack of calling cards.

"Do you know anybody who's a William Beckford?" he asked me while we were having dinner."I found this calling card from our luggages back in London and its in one of this little paper bag.

"Oh i guess thats the calling card of the shop where i got this bracelet i bought when you were away for work." i flinched a bit while trying to digest dinner.

"Hmmm... so you went around to shop without me?" he made a frown with his cute face and pinched my arm. "so what else did you see when i was away?"

"thats about it. i was kinda scared to go around that i might get lost or something." i said

"or something? hmmm... funny but the card says that william is working for a pornsite in london..." he said while putting a funny look on his face

"really??? hmmmm... maybe they put it in the bag as a flyer..." i answered back.

my boyfriend might have more questions in his head but after hearing that i've got all my questions answered...
Tags: damianne, gay, london, portobello road, hummingbird bakery, arosfa

Cold Nights in My Room

The way home from work was the usual 45-minute bus ride from alabang to makati. Things has been the usual things that graveyard shift. A couple of intercon meetings and a couple of movies from youtube. It was a cold morning when i stepped out of the bus and headed towards my pad.

The even colder air gushed out of my room when i pulled the door opened. I left the A/C on for the whole night and i shivered, wondering how much my electricity bill would come out the next time i get it.

I had a donut and milk for my meal and brushed my teeth before i slipped into my 3-day old boxers and climbed into bed to sleep.

**** My Little Uncanny Messenger ****

The room was cold and dark, but i could see thru amongst the outline of my small sanctuary. I felt i pulled my comforter too high that it failed to cover my feet. I could feel my toes shiver but i cant seem to let myself crunch them to keep some warm blood running thru my icy toes. I tried to reach the comforter but i cant move.

I CANT MOVE.

Then horrified by the view i saw when i tried looking at my feet, I saw a little man standing along the edge my bed. He was a little boy with a shaved head. I was wearing nothing but a brown cloth that covered his entire body.

He was waving at me. His hands and forearm beat like a metronome that was out of beat and it was waving fast and the slow.

Fast and then slow.

Terror rushed from my little toes, thru my spine, all the way at the back on my neck. I conjured a force to move my limp legs.

I kicked as hard as I could.

And then there was me. Lying on my bed. Catching my breath. I could hear my heart pounding. I got up and drank a glass of water. I went back to bed to sleep.


**** Don't Wake Me Up When I'm Sleeping ****

It was 3 months now since i've reoriented the position of my bed. The small window was just below my feet and my head is opposite the wooden cabinet in front of the bathroom door. I was feeling the chill of the A/C blowing against my toes and so I tucked myself further inside my comforter sheets.

I was awaken by a movement that I heard rather than felt. Slowly the sheets that covered me slipped ever so lightly pulling it to totally cover my body. I pulled back.

Someone is pulling my sheets from above my head.

I fought and pulled to keep my head exposed to the cold stagnant hair in my room. I saw small hands grabbing my sheets and pulling it. I immediately turned my head up to see what is pulling it and it was the little boy. He's still wearing his brown coat. My heart dropped from my bed when i realized that his neck doesn't have a head on top of it but just the pitch darkness that is suspended in my room. To my horror i closed my eyes and tried to wake up from that dream. The moment I opened them back the pulling stopped, the little boy was gone and I have to get up and open the lights to guard me while I sleep.


**** I Swear I Was Not With Anyone ****

A month had passed when Ive put back my bed to its original position. I was now facing the tube when i lay down my bed. I slept most of the mornings together with the soft rumbling of the A/C.

My roommate got home later than I did and found me asleep.

He went straight to bed without taking off his work clothes.

10 minutes has passed when the door suddenly opened and closed. My roommate was awoken by the thudding sound and got up to brush his teeth and he made sure that the doors were locked.

"Hey, You should tell your boys to at least say goodbye before leaving." He made a comment while i was trying to understand what he was saying.

"What?" I asked.

"I said, The next time you're going to bring a guy over, tell him he might at least lock the door when he's gonna leave" the peculiar sarcasm made me realize that it was really my roommate who's talking.

"What guy? I was sleeping here alone." Slowly i swallowed my words and froze in front of my roommate.

"Yeah right. There was this guy beside you when I got in. He was lying on his tummy so I didn't exactly saw his face." he insisted. "He had a shaved head. You know, you've been bringing over too many guys that you don't remember any of them."

"Dude! I'm fucking serious... I was alone the whole night...What the hell are you talking about?" I exclaimed.

We both looked at each other for a while... It was one of those looks that wanted some answers...

Safe in Your Arms

"safe in my arms..." it repeats itself over and over inside my head, as i try to cover myself with my arms. i wrapped them around myself tight, just to keep me warm. it was a cold and damped morning. i just got off the bus, just finished my shift at work and was trying to look for cover as morning dew slowly trickle from above.

i ran as fast as i could to get to my building. drops of the morning dew settled on my cheeks and nose as i saw myself on the mirror right in front of the elevator door.

the door opened and i realized that i was the only one inside.

"my unit is 27-N... its a left turn when u step out of the elevator" i read the phone message i got from him as i opened my eyes to see that I'm inside a very unfamiliar elevator and a very unfamiliar place.

the door opened and i slowly followed a small corridor towards room 27-N.

i clicked the doorbell and he opened the door.

he was the same. he looked the same. more hair, but still the same. he was wearing just a pair of boxer shorts and was holding a glass of vodka.

"would you want a glass?" he offered, but i refused and went to the couch to make myself comfortable.

"you know i don't drink vodka... i hate it!" i smirked. i looked into his half sober eyes and decided to just pour it all out

"i cannot do this anymore, yoshi..." the words just came out of me without knowing that i even began speaking.

i saw his hands began to tremble and his glass of vodka was shaking but he tried to make it so subtle. he wanted to say something but cant let the words out. he slowly walked towards me and lifted me up from my seat and wrapped his arms around me.

i could hear the glass of vodka behind me while the ice cubes tinkles in it. i pushed him and looked away, hoping that he did not notice that my eyes are starting to fill up with tears.

"this is not working for me yoshi... we are not working!" i said with a tremble in each word.

life for me made a big turn when i first met him. he made me believe that life could be perfect. the first time he held my hands inside the dark and cold movie house seem to define what i felt as safe and loved.

but nothing seem to stay as perfect as it is... when i thought i got all that i wanted... when i thought that everything i needed was right in front of me, just within my reach... everything that i thought i needed and wanted was destroying all that i believed to be real.

"do you love me?" i asked him. at this point the first tear rolled on my cheeks and it burned my numb skin.

"words don't come easy to me dame. it doesn't work for me that way. i don't have any word to describe how i feel for you." he wanted me to stay with the words that he uttered. "i cannot find a way to say more of what i mean."

"so let me feel it... i want to feel you yoshi. why cant i feel any of it?" i screamed and screamed while i held his shoulders and try to shook him hoping that i could get anything that's tangible out the words that he kept on telling me. "give me what i need yoshi. its not much. you know its not much. i need to know if you love me... or if you ever loved me at all..."

my voice started to shrink as i lost control of my stance and drifted to a crazy sob as i sat on the floor, in front of him. teardrops slowly covered the marble-cast floor of our apartment. i remembered the times when we would make love on that very floor. it was damped with our sweat before but now all that covers it are my tears.

"say something!" i mustered everything that's left of my breath to get something out of his insensitive heart.

"come here baby..." he lifted me again from the desperation where i was and guided me to our room. "you need this..."

he held out his glass of vodka but i turned my head away.it's as if he wasn't hearing me at all. it's as if i was just a ghost trying to escape of the plane of the dead.

he placed the the glass of alcohol on top of the bedside table and held my arm tight. I looked straight through his eyes. it was starting to fill up. a moment there i was transported to a dark place with just him and i standing in a void of nothing. no air. no light. no warmth. no love.

he pulled me close and gave me the embrace i haven't felt for almost 2 years. i tried to inhale the vacuum that enclosed us but nothing sustained my breathing. his warmth didn't flowed thru my heart... i wanted to feel him but i was already so numb of crying.

"i came to tell you... i'm going to get some of my things." i pushed myself away and he grabbed his vodka and walked outside of the room.

**** CRASH ****

i ran outside and saw a shattered glass scattered on the floor.

"i'm sorry dame..." he whispered and lifelessly sat down the living room sofa.

"i'm sorry..."

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

a vivid past and blurry future...

Jo: I had a cold last week. I'm sorry I wasn't able to reply to your messages.

Dame: That's OK. I was just a bit worried.

Jo: Do you want me to come over?

Dame: Yeah sure. But you better be ready how boring it will be when you get here. I'm kinda drowning of boredom already.

Jo: Maybe we could just take a walk outside. Look at the stars?

That sounded very weird, but i went out of my way of what's obvious and took a peek outside to see if there really were stars to look at. I chuckled when I saw what I expected... NONE.

Dame: Yeah we could think of something when you get here.

Jo: OK i'll be on my way in 15 minutes.

I met him at school after one of my class. I was cramming to get one of my reports printed so I looked for a computer shop around. He was seated in one of the rented desktop. We bumped into each other when we were both about to pay at the cashier. He introduced himself and told me that he lives in the same building. I was not paying much attention because i was too occupied in printing my late paper, but we exchanged digits just before i ran to catch my professor.

It had been 2 weeks since that first meet up and I don't have any idea why i felt too excited in seeing him again.

Time seemed to run fast when i received a message that he's already at the lobby and was waiting for me. I grabbed my keys and phone and hurriedly went to the elevator to meet him outside.

Dame: Hey you.

Jo: Hi. So where do you want to go?

Dame: It's Monday morning. I have no idea where we could hang out.

Jo: We could go to my place. There's a bar there where we could just have a few drinks.

My mind was blank for a moment.

Dame: I've got an idea.

I grabbed his arm and led him to the street corner and I hailed a cab.

Jo: Where are we going?

Dame: Don't ask. It's going to be good. Trust me.

I grinned a little.

The driver dropped us off Salcedo Park. I lived in one of the flats around that park before. It still has the nostalgic feeling of solitude and calm. The yellow light that poured from the light posts around the park drowned me with so much of the past that i had to pause to get my self ready.

Jo: This is nice.

Dame: I used to live around here. I usually wake up early in the morning to jog around. It's funny because usually this place is filled with dogs that the tenants walk around.

Jo: Lets go to that bench.

We comfortably sat on the bench at the middle of the park.

Time began to tick slowly. The air around us swirled in slow motion that i noticed each speck of dust fly by, dancing to a slow beat. Small talk was the only thing that came between us but it seem that it was the only thing that we need at that time. We had our keys, wallet and phone placed in between us on the bench but he suddenly gathered them and placed them on top of the back rest of the seat to make room.

Jo: Do you want to rest your head on my lap?

He said and I froze.

Dame: No.

But my body did the contrary and lay down on his lap. The stone bench was cold but I haven't felt warmer than ever. He started singing a song i haven't heard before.

Jo: Do you know that song?

Dame: No. I'm sorry but it sounds nice.

His face blocked most on my sight of the sky. There were still stars early that morning and I thought that the moment was perfect.

Jo: Hey. Tell me something.

Dame: I don't know what to say.

Jo: Ask me anything.

I wanted to ask him why he hadn't messaged me until now. It has been 2 weeks. I wanted to ask him if he were seeing somebody else but it doesn't seem appropriate. I wanted to know but I couldn't gather my courage to ask.

Dame: I don't know what to ask. You ask my anything.

Jo: Why haven't you messaged me? I thought you weren't interested.

My heart leaped again. He was thinking the same thoughts that I have.

Dame: I don't know. I was busy with work and school. Were you waiting for my message?

Jo: Yes I was. It's been two weeks. Were you seeing some one else then?

It's like he's reading what was in my mind.

Dame: No. Were you?

Jo: No. Just waiting for you.

who hates ice cream???

The cab pulled around the rotunda parking in front of the building entrance. I was late. I ran passed the two security guards and went right in the first elevator that was about to open.

BAM!!!

Dame: I'm sorry.

As i turned around i had a glimpse of a tall man in gray sweatshirt before ii pushed the button number 25 for my floor.

************************

I scrambled out of my bed and went straight to the bathroom to take the quickest shower I could do.

LATE!

AGAIN!

I found myself running up the escalators 15 minutes later. I sometimes surprise myself. I walked in my Business Law class finding out that the professor was a Dean of some remote school.

Prof: Please fill out the class form Mr... ?

Dame: Gonzalez. Engineer Gonzalez.

It was our first meeting in this class. Everybody introduced themselves. Some were obviously way older than I am, some not so old but pretty much have a background of this subject. While I am oblivious of what an Engineering Graduate is doing here taking Law Courses.

The whole 3hours and 15 minutes was grueling. It was cold. The professor kept on talking and talking about stuff, half of it I didn't even bother understanding, while everybody seem amazed of his wisdom. To make it worse, my bladder is about to explode and since I'm late I didn't have the courage to ask permission to go out.

The bell rang and swiftly as i got out of bed 4 hours ago, I dashed outside and straight to the bathroom.

Clarence: HEY!!!

Dame: Oh I'm sorry...

Clarence: So you're like that all the time huh?

Dame: Huh? What?

I didn't had time digesting what he said. I went straight to the cubicle and unzipped my pants. While I unloaded all the piss in my bladder I suddenly remembered him. I quickly fixed myself and tried to run after him. I needed to apologize.

I saw him went inside the lift and so i tried to catch up and crammed myself in.

Dame: You're my classmate in Business Law, right?

Clarence: Yes

Dame: I'm sorry the last time and this time. I forgot all about it.

Clarence: Well it seems that that's not the only thing you forgot.

He looked straight at my crotch and I noticed that I left my fly open.

BLUSH!!!

Most of my classmates in the elevator saw and held in the most obvious giggle and tried to keep the subtle burst of laughter to themselves.

Dame: I think we're even.

I held out my hand and gestured for a handshake.

Clarence: You sure you washed after?

Another subtle burst came inside the elevator.

Dame: Now you owe me.

The door opened and I got out as quickly as I could and walked towards the building lobby.

Clarence: Hey! Wait up. I'm sorry.

Dame: Nah! That's Ok. I Think I deserve that.

Clarence: Well, since I owe you. You want to grab something to eat? I know this persian resto that has the best shawarma in the city.

Dame: I don't usually go out with strangers.

Clarence: Well I guess I have to take a risk and shake your hand. I'm Clarence. This is my second year in Business School.

Dame: Damianne. It's only my second term.

I reached for his hand and an hour later we were eating at this persian restaurant and I'm having the best ground lamb I've had in years.

**************************
****

Clarence: Tell me. What food can't you live without?

I got a text message from him five days after we first introduced ourselves.

Dame: I don't know... I think "ICE CREAM"?

Clarence: Great! It just so happen that I have two pints here at home.

Dame: Nah! It's late and I have work tomorrow.

Clarence: What do you mean it's late? It's only 8pm. Come on. I don't want to finish this all by myself.

Dame: Ok... Ok... I'll be there in 15 minutes.

He lives four blocks away from my place. I was nearing his building when I saw him waiting at the corner.

Dame: What are you doing outside?

Clarence: I changed my mind. I wanted to have dinner. Come on.

Dame: But I already had dinner.

Clarence: Well, we'll think of something to eat.

He suddenly grabbed my hand and hailed a cab.

We ate at a resto-bar in Makati. He ordered a lot and finished everything. I ordered ice cream which came out to be too much for me so I asked him if he could help me finish it.

Clarence: No. That's for you. You love ice cream right?

Dame: I do. But i'm already full. I could finish a whole gallon but not this fast. I usually eat slowly while watching Sex and the City Marathon.

He gave a roaring laugh. I didn't understand why he did that. There's nothing funny in what I said.

Clarence: Alright.

We digged in and finished the serving.

*****************************

Clarence: I got ice cream! Wanna come over?

Dame: I had dinner already.

Clarence: I said ice cream.

Dame: You stay there ok. I'll come over.

I don't know if it's the ice cream or the thought of seeing him again which excites me.

I trembled a bit, going up in his room. The smell of vanilla scent filled the air. I knocked three times and he opened the door.

Clarence: Hi. I got DVDs.

Dame: Great!

We ate ice cream while watching Brothers and Sisters. I was starting to feel cold with all the ice cream and the breeze of the AC chilling the air around us. He slid his hands at my nape and started massaging the back of my neck. It felt warm and safe.

Clarence: I'm going to the bathroom. Be right back.

And he kissed my forehead.

??????

He left me wondering what that meant. I didn't know what to think.

Dame: Ummmm... Clarence. Where's the remote?

Clarence: It's in the drawer beside you.

I pulled the drawer and saw the remote and a picture in a frame. It was Clarence carrying a baby and if I was not mistaken, looks totally like him. Beside him is a woman, around his age, hugging him and the baby.

I was thrown into a state of intense desperation, of sudden panic. I didn't know what to do or what to think.

He came back as soon as I shut closed the drawer.

Clarence: Did you find it?

Dame: Huh? What?

Clarence: The remote.

Dame: Oh yeah. I did.

I needed to ask. I needed to know.

Dame: I need to go home. It's late. Have work early tomorrow.

Clarence: Huh?

I grabbed my keys and rushed towards the door. He caught my arm on my way out and pulled me to his chest and hugged me tight.

Clarence: I'll see you in class on Monday.

*******************************

Monday Business class was just an hour away. I felt tensed not because i hated the subject but because i'm about to see Clarence again. I was 15 minutes late as usual and the class already had started.

Clarence: I wanted to write your name in our group but i think somebody already did.

Dame: Ummmm... Thank you?

He grinned and picked a seat that would be at far proximity from me. I got annoyed by that. The whole 3hours of class was excruciating. The professor was blabbering the whole time and all I did was to take momentary glimpses of Clarence. He had this deep groany laugh that vibrated and crept through the floor. It excited me and at the same time depressed me.

Finally the class came to an end and I noticed a girl waiting outside the room. Sure enough I knew who she was. She looked very familiar. She looked like the woman in the picture. I had to know who she is. I had to go there and ask her.

I waited for Clarence to get up his seat and hed towards the door and then i slipped passed him and tried as hard as i could to intentionally bump him.

Dame: Oooops. Excuse me.

Clarence: Hey! That's just like you when you left the other night.

Dame: I'm sorry.

The girl went up to us and smiled

Clarence: Dame. This is my sister Nikka.

Nikka: Hi Dame.

It's like the gates of heaven shone above me and I swear I could almost hear the angels sing.

Nikka: I haven't had dinner bro. Let's grab something to eat.

She looked at me and paused.

Nikka: Hey Dame. You wanna join us for dinner?

Dame: Sure.

I hated myself for answering too fast to her invite. I hoped it wasn't that obvious.

Dame: Ummm... And let's have ice cream after. Right Clarence?!

Nikka: Hahahaha... Bro doesn't eat ice cream. He hates it. Hahaha.

Her laughter lingered for a while in my ears but what stuck in my head was...

"HE HATES ICE CREAM...???"

taking care of my grandmum...

it's been a while since i last went home... i've been busy with a lot of work and school... but i finally decided to visit... i found my little sister and my grandmum there... grandmum has been bed ridden for almost 6 months now since she had a minor accident when she slipped and cracked her pelvic bone... for a person in her 20's the healing process of a broken bone takes much faster but my grandmum is 89 years old and it took 3 months in intensive care and a major operation to fix the broken pelvis... the doctor said what they usually do is to patch the bone with titanium alloy and that's what they did...

i didn't realize how much reality those TV series about doctors were happening inl life until that time... my family have been through really rough times but this one beats them all... becuase it's my grandmum that we are talking about...

i saw her lying on her side...

dame: lola... i'm home...

gran: alex ¿está eso usted?

dame: si

gran: ¿puede usted conseguirme el agua?

dame: si

i saw her reaching for something and so i took her hand... it was still the soft hands that i could remember who pats me on the back when i was a little boy... they were still the hands that held my nape so i could go to a sound sleep... her voice still is the sound that comforts me in my childhood... it seems that she's still my beautiful old grandmum but seems to be so different now...

dame: abuela. aquí está el agua.

gran: garcias.

i went to the kitchen and prepared a food for the both of us and as i ate i also fed her slowly while i told her everything that happened to my life that she missed... i wanted it to feel like what it felt before... a time not that far back... when all of us would sit around the table and eat and talk about everything that happen in our lives... it was like i'm reading to her my blog everyday... and she remembers everything i tell her... from the stories about school to the petty fights i had with crazy classmates... her bed was totally different... she might not remember anything i said... but it felt exactly the same...

dame: lola. le daré un baño.

she smiled. i prepared a basin of hot water with alcohol and a sponge. i tried to remember how she did it when i was young. while i kept on running around the bathroom butt naked while she tried to catch me and keep me still. i tried to remember how she would softly rub my back and sud my hair with shampoo. i remembered how she did it and now it's time for me to give back the favor... not because she did a great job before... not because she can't do it herself... but because for the very same reason she gave me a bath everyday when i was little... she loved me and i love her...

Friday, May 29, 2009

spending a night with rambunctious classmates!!!

after extremely preparing for what i'm going to wear for this much awaited Business Law Presentation in school... i didn't realize how much more than what i'm going to put on will be the butt of all the happenings of this dreaded report... for one... i have prepared a list of possible suits that would either make or break the whole feel of professionalism... so i went for a classic dolce pin stripe 3-button black suit... and then since i've spent most of my time deciding on what suit to wear i only had a day to shop for the long-sleeves and a scrumpy neck tie... i got myself a gray and while vertical stripes shirt in armani exchange and a diagonal black and white striped tie in banana republic... (so i was in stripes on stripes... where did i here that one before????)

and then for the report itself, which took me lesser time to prepare for than the actual get-up (so... typical...) i drudged my sick and hypo-ventilating friend to be the clown in one of the dramatization movie clip that is going to be the ice-breaker of the very serious matter of our discussion...

all set...

the report flowed as planned... but not as boring as i expected... then it came to my mind how competitive these nincompoops are, so the group decided on impulse to begin a debate... which made the class rise with enthusiasm...

so at this point... which is the juice of the blog... i hope anybody who reads this with an IQ level above the average stupid person can react on what they think is the better side...

The question is... IS MINIMUM WAGE LAW A GOOD OR BAD LAW?

well... i'm only going to discuss my side of the argument... hehehehe

first thing is that, i gave an example to the class... here it goes...

this is for people who like higher minimum wage...

if you were a company that fills balloons with carbon dioxide and you wanted to outsource this service having to choose between man power in Cebu and man power in Zamboanga... we all know that Cebu has a higher minimum wage than Zamboanga... where would you outsource the blowing of balloons??? (to people who's still with me and who obviously should have a goal to profit... you would go for the place where a lower minimum wage governs... good for Zamboanga... bad for Cebu...)

if this would be in an international scale... you could now understand why CHINA is getting to be a scary competitor in manual labor... one thing there are too many chinese (i've heard that if all chinese in china jumped at the same time, they could create a tidal wave that could engulf the whole of California... hmmm... talk about secret weapon!) next would be they have cheap labor... just imagine if the chinese would be as fluent in english as the Filipinos are... GOODBYE CALL CENTER INDUSTRY!!!!!

now... this is for people who like lower minimum wage...

if we try to make the minimum wage lower... this is what would usually happen... a simple saleslady in a department store, a guy who sells TAHO, an ironing lady working for a laudry shop and a simple computer science graduate working as an encoder... MAY ALL HAVE THE SAME WAGES!!!! is that fair????

so the group stand is that... high or low minimum wage does not give the proper economic logic as to how commodities should bought or sold... the only and un-debatable way to determine how much labor would cost is by using the LAW OF SUPPLY AND DEMAND... stating that for anything that has a high demand... a higher price should be put on it... and for anything that has low demand... a lower price should be put on it... anything that has an abundant supply a lower cost should be on top of it and anything that is scare a higher price should be on top of it...

very realistic and very logical...

well... everybody in class seem to be more sympathetic and sentimental on their way of thinking... looking at humanity and morals and human rights... blah blah blah...

i say if we pretend that we are taking care of Filipinos by spoon feeding them of what they want... then we can never move to the next step... we're doing more bad than good... the only way to make these people work and think of their lives is when we teach them how to live and not to tolerate how they suck the life force out of other people's effort and money...

bottom line, you should earn your money...

damianne... do you have a boyfriend??? argh!!!!

so it started with the most boring holloween party i've ever since the birth of the damn occasion... got a friend who invited me over to this party in manila... i think this is the 3rd holloween stint i've attended to this year... he told me it's going to start at 9pm so i decided to be a bit late just to make sure that it's already pumped up... but behold... i was the second guy who got there... WTF!!!

the place was a bit dark... they made it that way to make room for the revolving lights and flashing flood lamps... it was quite cool at first but then this really old guy who looks like the CRYPT KEEPER!!! (reminds me of jamie lee curtis in freaky friday) who suddenly took control of the music and popped in a horrific 70's or 80's rave disco (i dont know what the hell you call it) music!!! and everybody seemed nostalgic and started to have fun...

again WTF!!!!????

so like the little ole me... i pretended to be polite and just smiled my way through the night... and with 5 shots of tequila (which is the answer to all the world's questions...) the night because more and more bearable...

and there's this cute guy who offered his services...

to drop me home... bwahahaha... (you dirty little perverts!!!!)

so that's the friday well spent... geeezzzz...

i woke up really late the next day... around 2:30 in the afternoon... i got tons of messages in my phone and one of them reminded me that some of my MBA classmates where about to go to my place to finalize our report that's the due the following monday... i got up as soon as everything sank in my brains and took a quick shower... a couple of hours later two of my girl group mates were knocking at my door...

they brought pizza and pasta!!! (heaven sent these two over grown angels...) so the meal i was having a problem thinking where to get just dropped by my place... hehehehe...

so after the meal we started brianstorming and made revisions and tweaked the powerpoint presentation we were about to give in class... and then one of them asked me something that made my weekend of weirdness complete...

girl 1: ummm... she's about to ask you something dame...

dame: what about?

girl 2: i'm kinda shy to ask...

OMG!!! i have this gut feeling i know what was about to come out of those perky little mouth of that girl...

OKAY... rewind!!! lemme give you a bit of background... i'm usually not out to strangers... i mean, if they ask me i would certainly not deny my being gay... but as long as i'm not fucking you... it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS... and most of my MBA classmate either doesn't have a clue or they just too polite to assume... CONTROVERSIAL is the exact word for it... and it's beginning to get old!!!

going back to the story...

dame: what is it?

girl 2: do you have a boyfriend?

i was on the verge of bursting out my silliest laugh... but thank got i got control of my self and answered back with some may think made the CONTROVERSY even worse!

dame: nope... why are you planning on something?

there a moment of silence and work on the project just resumed... talk about weird people just appearing from no where... i mean... come on!!! of all people i thought these MBA classmates of mine where smarter than the rest of the young working class in manila... i thought they were the ones who could get away with anything so subtly you'll never know what hit you...

but this was too lame... and that made me a bit frustrated... they could have just directly asked... "DAME ARE YOU GAY?" there end of story... a simple yes or no would clear the dense air that has been clouding them ever since day one in our class... and for the love of G!!!! a question like that just being thrown in the air just to appease their freaking curiosity is way to... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS to me... (well... it's a different story if a cute guy would ask me that... hahahaha... come on... give me a break!!!)

end of it all... i cant do anything as of now because we need to work as a team and anything resembling to frustration and resentment might risk our team some precious Business Law grades...

i guess they finally decided to say sorry when they left the rest of the pizza and pasta with me... so after they left i've been munching them the whole saturday night...

i just can't wait to see them again on monday... i'm just eager to see how the rumors will spread... RUMORS??? i mean... FACTS will spread... hihihihi...

this year's all hollows eve...

the day was as boring as any other working day... needed to complete projects that were pending and had to talk to oblivious project managers along the way... then i got an e-mail from one of my business professors in school asking us to answer this trivia game that she's giving away that would PROBABLY... lemme repeat that... probably give us extra freaking points... so i got around 3 sure bets... lemme see... there's carrie, then what lies beneath and gothika... some popular horror movies... i mean... no offense to the "POPULAR" part but i'm a fan of slasher movies... the more gooowie blood splashed around the place the better...

we still have a few hours to go to submit our guesses... sigh... boring...

then i had to go to the yearly CREAM party of BIGFISH... not really a big fan... all those straight people... just even thinking about it makes me itchy and start to get hives... (itchy...itchy...itchy...)
it just so happen that one of my classmates in MBA was one of the owners or founders or employee of BIGFISH... not really sure... again i was initially not interested... so everybody in class wanted to support the event that was a yearly flop for the production company (i don't know why they keep on doing this EVERY YEAR!!!!)

so after work... had dinner in greenbelt with a friend... who's dying to see what i'm going to wear... well let's admit it... like REGINA GEORGE and the rest of the MEAN GIRLS... holloween is the time of year that anybody can wear something slutty and not be considered a total whore... maybe just a little...

and the transformation began... starting from my suede doll shoes... knee high socks... yellow and white checkered pleated skirt... a white hanging sailor collared shirt... a leather back pack and a shoulder length pitch black wig... all combined together would create the image of an innocent high school girl... yummy!!!!

i gathered all my guts to even muster the thought of it and finally came to the party... it was a mixture of total embarrassment and extreme excitement...

well... i'm mostly embarrassed so i took the "get up" off 2 hours after hiding in a spot where the beating lights doesnt reach...

argh!!!! same old same old parties... just like last year and the year before that...

met a couple of hotties in the party... usually straight one... NOT INTERESTED! then i was introduce to some celebrities... that i'm fully unaware that they were... (I DON'T WATCH LOCAL TV)

had a few drinks... danced a little... and went straight home and into the SACK!!!

argh!!!! same old same old... just like last year and the year before that...

Thursday, May 28, 2009

name that tune...

... 7:00 am ...

the sun was about to peek thru the morning clouds when i started to feel sleepy... i buried myself into the sheets of my bed and in a moment i floated to a tired slumber...

... i found myself in a room...small...damped and i heard a voice...

"you know where you are... do you?" the sound seem to come from all the four walls that enclosed that small place... at the background was a melody... i recognize the sound... seems like a song...

the door was in front of me... i tried to open it but i wouldn't nudge...

"if you want to get out you need to tell me the title of the song..." a trembling voice thundered through the walls... i began to breath heavily... im beginning to feel the rush inside me...the song was inside my head... i knew what i was... then the door opened...i found myself in another room... there weren't any furniture inside, just another room...

"if you want to get out you need to tell me the title of the song..." the voice told me again... but i knew what it was... and the door of the bigger room opened...

then i went out and it got me into a hall way where i saw the voice... i saw the man who was telling me to guess the song... i ran like busted radio... it ran over and over... it started to hurt my head...

now i had no idea what it was... i started to feel sick... i felt dizzy... the room began to look crooked... and i realized that i was dreaming...


... 10:00am ...

i found myself lying on my side... i couldn't move my legs nor my hands... i felt i was trapped... my eyes rolled to see that i was in fact inside my own room... i took a deep breath and kicked myself into motion...

i got up at once and got into my jeans, took the keys of my room and hurriedly went out of the house to get some air...


... 12:00nn ...

i had all the ingredients ready... marinated beef... some cooking oil and a hot pan... i poured the oil on the pan and seared the meat... i tilted the pan a bit on the side and suddenly the flame jumped into the pan and burst into a big flare...

i was kept speechless... my instinct told to reach for the switch and turn off the gas valve... and i did... but my roommate came rushing towards the pan and grabbed the handle... he was in total panic... the flame hasn't subsided and his frantic attempt to put it off just left him waving the flaming pan everywhere... my head was blank... all it could think of was how to get out of that room... thinking that any moment he could disgorge the scalding hot oil on me...

"if you want to get out you need to tell me the title of the song..." the man's voice suddenly popped inside my head... it was just like in my dream... but there was no sound that i could hear... just the swooshing blaze of the flame...

it wasn't that long when i opened the door near the sink and a rush of cold air stretched inside the room and in a blink the flame went out...

my roommate was still in shock...

i was still trying to figure out what the song was...

like ordinary people do...

"i wanted to give you something someday..." a light of certainty glimmered through the his eyes. "when I'm ready... i surely wanted to give you a ring."

his thoughts flowed like he was just talking to himself. within the lines i tried to absorb each word with sincerity and belief, but there was a tone, some sort of subtlety of the words he used that seemed so real yet a sign of caution has hung over its panorama.

i tried to reply to what he said but my breath seemed empty from a long sigh of disbelief. Someone said to me that it was impossible to put certainty in your own words much less to the words of others. At that time i contested and tried to disregard what seem a universal fact and i just made possible the certainties of my own words and thoughts to make myself believe and hope for the certainty of the things that i would hear from other people... from people i wanted to believe... from the people i love...

i smiled back at the promise that felt bittersweet but also gave out a blank look of exhaustion. i held his hands tight and i prayed that he felt the exact confusion that stirred in my mind. he didn't. he smiled back with the assurance that rested in all of his outward expressions and kissed me on the forehead ever so softly...

but that was almost 2 months ago...

now, everything that i hoped to believe in was just another person that passed by my life... another person who lived up to the expectation of everyone except my own, held my hand while predicting a future that evaporated in just one moment. no turning back, no confusions, no questions, not even a second thought of what if we could try to work things out, just a simple farewell that ordinary people do, without even thinking if we will ever cross each others path again.

"hi, i was thinking if i could borrow your back-pack this weekend." he asked after what seemed the longest stand by i ever encountered my entire life. "I'll be using it to get my things to my new place."

i don't know what he expects me to say. i don't know if he's aware that he was not just another person that passed by my life. i don't know if he has even the slightest idea that through the short course of us being together, i have fallen deeply in love with him, that even if he would promise me the stars at night i would blindly believe and will wait for him to pull them down for me.

"sure... you could get it tomorrow" i answered with my mind in a state of vacuity. i didnt realized ive been talking too much when i was halted when he cut me short of whatever desperate act of holding on to a conversation that i wanted to lead to something about our separation.

"thanks, ill just call you tomorrow. bye." a sturdy tone that passed through the ear piece of my phone lingered and with no turning back, with no confusion, with no other question, not even a second thought he just pressed the disconnect button to cut the line like ordinary people do.