TODAY IS CARBS DAY!

Another year has passed and I am still using the same intro ever since my first Birthday Blog. It would take too long to mention in detail everything that happened so I’m just going to slice it down into numerical identification those HUGE blessings that came my way this wonderful year of Damianne:

1. I finally passed my Oral Comprehensive Exam and has now received my diploma for my Masters Degree in Business! Which culminated to a grand graduation ceremony where my Dad was able to attend. This was a big deal for me because he was not able to see me graduate in High School or College, so the more special this day for me was.
2. I got promoted at WORK! Finally, someone noticed the importance of my contribution. (need I expound more?)
3. I get to break my BEACH record this year! I went to Boracay 5 times and went to Koh Phangan, Thailand to go to the Full Moon Beach Party! I have never been this TAN ever BEFORE! Cumulatively, that was more than 6 weeks of frolicking on the hot beach SAND and under the tan stimulating SUN!

I am thankful to the new friends I met along the way who taught me piece by piece how much lucky I am to have treasured so many of them. I am thankful to my old friends that never failed to keep their presence felt and keep in touch in times when I’m at my most vulnerable! Thanks guys really (using my sarcastic tone! LOL!). To my family that never failed to keep their patience intact from my never-ending nags and limitless rants, I give them my highest respect.
I guess this is all for now and although I know that I am going to be another year older, I wish there would still be things, events and people that I would come across with that I would consider to be a first. Its those first time experiences that molds who I am, it makes me face things I have not encountered before and its those heart-stopping events that keeps me looking forward to a whole new year ahead.

A Love Story

Once upon a time, in an island there lived all the feelings and emotions : Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to them that the island would sink! So all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a boat. Love said,
"Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "Sorry Love, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat and so there is no place here for you."

Love next asked Vanity who was also sailing by. Vanity was also ready with the same answer.
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, take me along with you."
"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!", sadness said in a sullen voice.

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so preoccupied with her happiness that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder. An overjoyed Love jumped up into the boat and in the process forgot to ask where they were going. When they arrived at a dry land, the elder went her own way.

Realizing how much was owed to the elder, Love asked Knowledge another elder, "Who Helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" thought Love. Then, as if reading the face of Love, Knowledge smiled and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

A Real Boyfriend

I remember how you were and I'm sure you are still.

When I stare at his mouth... HE KISSES ME...

When I lay my hand on his shoulder... HE TILTS HIS HEAD TO KISS ME...

When I look into his eyes... HE WOULD NOT LOOK AWAY UNTIL I WOULD...

When I mess up his hair... HE WOULD PIN ME DOWN AND TICKLE ME UNTIL I STOP...

When I'm about to go to sleep... HE SENDS ME A MESSAGE...

When I just got up from bed... I GET HIS GOODMORNING FROM MY PHONE...

When I'm quiet... HE ASKS ME WHAT'S WRONG...

When I ignore him... HE MAKES FACES TO GET MY ATTENTION...

When I push him away... HE PULLS ME BACK AND NEVER LETS GO...

When I walk away from him... HE NEVER STOPS FOLLOWING ME...

When I ask him if I look good... HE SAYS I LOOK DAMN HOT...

When I wake up all sluggish in the morning... HE TELLS HOW GOODLOOKING I AM...

When my eyes start to fill with tears... HE WOULD HOLD ME AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER...

When he sees me crying... HE WOULD ASK WHO HE WOULD PUNCH THIS TIME...

When I least expect he's there... HE SNEAKS UP AND HUGS ME FROM BEHIND...

When I tell him a secret... HE WOULD KEEP IT SAFE AND UNTOLD FOREVER...

When I call him late at night... HE NEVER PUTS DOWN THE PHONE UNTIL I DO...

When I'm scared... HE HOLDS MY HAND TIGHT...

When I wear his favorite shirt... HE LETS ME KEEP IT FOR A DAY...

When I watch my favorite anime series... HE WATCHES IT WITH ME EVEN IF HE DOESN'T LIKE IT...

When I'm bored... HE HANGS OUT WITH ME...

When I tease him... HE TEASES ME BACK AND MAKES ME LAUGH...

When I pause to answer... HE REASSURES ME THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK...

When I look at him with doubt... HE BACKS UP HIS STORIES WITH THE TRUTH...

When I tell him I'm OK... HE WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME...

When I tell him I like him... HE KNOWS MORE THAN HE COULD UNDERSTAND...

When I tell him I love him... HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME MORE...

You're Just A Lucky Guy

it's been almost 2 years... almost 2 years since that day, when there seem to be no hope... when there seem to be just I fighting against nature... against heaven... against hopelessness... trying so hard to keep myself calm... trying to remember how to breathe...

and just like any day... time never stopped ticking... it passed and so did that day... and so did the cries, the wails, the pants, the hopelessness... even though time seemed to ticked slower than usual, it did tick and it helped fade away the memory...

Dame: I don’t understand why i lived and they died

Neil: Maybe you still have a purpose... haven't you thought about that???

Dame: So you're saying those who died didn't have a purpose? There were children out there, did you know that???

Neil: Maybe that's their purpose.

Dame: To die???

Niel: alam mo friend... wag ka masyadong mayabang... BAKIT BA MAS MAGALING KA PA SA PLANO NG DIYOS??? hindi porket cumlau-cumlaudehan ka... eh mas matalino ka na sa DIYOS!!! (you know what??? Stop being a proud little brat… who do you think you are, trying to think that you can do it better than GOD??? Stop believing that anything you learned in life matter… stop thinking you’re smarter than him…)

and it hit me... more than the batting of the waves that day when we were stranded in the middle of the sea... that day when everything doesn’t seem to have any sense... or PURPOSE... i remember every time i tell people my story... how they all have the same reaction... "you were lucky to be alive..." that made me angry... angry at the fact that luck was the only reason why i survived... that it was a matter of statistic, a matter of circumstance... and i struggled, for a long time to comprehend... "what was the purpose of all of this???"

Dame: ang dami pa niyang kelangan gawin sa buhay... ang bata-bata pa niya... (those kids could have been somebody someday… they were just kids…)

Rev. Chris: so tell me... ano pa ang pwede nilang gawin? (so what do you think could they have been?)

Dame: hindi ko alam... pede silang maging doctor... abogado... or pari parang ikaw... (I don’t know… a doctor, maybe someone who can cure cancer, a lawyer or a priest even… like you…)

Rev. Chris: Listen to what you just answered... YOU DONT KNOW... hindi mo alam...

Dame: anong point mo father? (so what’s your point?)

Rev. Chris: ang point ko... hindi mo alam kung anong mangyayari... (the point is that you don’t know… you have no IDEA) you don't know what's going to happen in the future... no one knows... so why do you keep on lingering on what will happen and not just learn from what happened and what's happening now

Dame: what's happening now is that i'm angry and confused

Rev. Chris: saan ka confused? kanino ka galit? (why are you confused? who are you angry at?)

Dame: i'm confused of all the questions that are going on inside my head... and im angry at...

Rev. Chris: alejandro... kahit kababata kita hindi ko naman hahayaang magalit ka boss ko... actually, boss mo din yun... wala kang karapatan dahil wala ka naman alam... HINDI MO ALAM KUNG ANONG DAHILAN at KUNG BAKIT... (alejandro… doesn’t mean we’re friends since grade school that I’ll allow you to be that resentful to my boss… he’s also your boss you know… and nobody has any right because YOU DO NOT KNOW and YOU HAVE NO IDEA…)

Dame: bakit kasi sinesekreto pa niya? sa tingin ko mas maiintindihan ng mga tao kung bakit may namamatay at may naiiwang buhay kung alam nila kung bakit? kung alam nila kung ano ba talagang plano niya? (then why don’t he just tell everybody his GREAT PLAN… i really think that people needs to know the reason why somebody dies ahead of the other…)

Rev. Chris: bakit kung sabihin ba niya sa'yo maiintindihan mo? (and if he tells you… do you think you would even understand?) I DON"T THINK YOU WILL EVEN COME CLOSE IN UNDERSTANDING HIS WILL... simple lang yan dame... "THY WILL BE DONE..."

humble wasn't a word i often use in my vocabulary... i was trained to be good at everything and make everyone know that i'm good... if you know the answer, shout it out... be the first one to say it... if you have a question, ask it... and never stop looking for the answers... but this time... i was stuck... and i know i won't get any answers from anybody... and all of what happened changed me... who doesn't change after being stuck in the middle of the sea without land in sight in any direction? who doesn't change after being drained of all hope? who just picks himself up after an experience like that, moves forward, without looking back and say "hey, i'm a lucky guy!" WHO DOES THAT?

One Against A Million Reasons

A knock at the door got me up from an afternoon of doing nothing but stare at the ceiling. A man that i used to know was standing behind it as i opened it and stared some more.

Dame: Hello.
Yoshi: Hi... I don't know where else to go.

I stared at him for a few more minutes. His eyes were watery and his lips were trembling.

Dame: I'm sorry, yes come in.

I saw him scan my room. It was small and pathetic. The corners made everything look smaller than it already is. The butter-colored walls draw nothing in his eyes and that was exactly what was on the walls and the furniture and the bed and the windows, NOTHING.

Yoshi: I like what you've done with the place... it's so...
Dame: Empty???

He was still sarcastic even when his eyes were all red and teary. I saw a grin appeared on his boyish little face. He looked at me with a smile but with tears pouring from his eyes.

Yoshi: You always do that.
Dame: What?
Yoshi: You make me laugh and cry at the same time.
Dame: What's the matter.
Yoshi: You are.
Dame: What?
Yoshi: Come home damey...

It was almost 2 years since i last saw those sincere eyes. He asked me to live with him if I wanted him to stay in Manila. He told me that it is too much of a risk to take a pass on that big job offer just to be with me and he is only willing to do it if he was really going to be with me. Those eyes were the same eyes that asked me to live with him 2 years ago and now how I wished I didn't.

Dame: You know that that would not solve anything.
Yoshi: I haven't asked you this before you left... is this what you really want?
Dame: Yes!
Yoshi: Then why haven't you told anybody?
Dame: Because you haven't told anybody...
Yoshi: Because I've always hoped that you would come back, because i know you would

He saw right though me. He saw right through my heart. I tried not to look back when i got my last pair of shoes from his condo unit, but he knew that my heart was not like that. He knew me very well, but i do not know him. For 3 years that we've been together i tried to figure out each word, each expression, each wink, each grin, each sigh, but i can't see through him.

Dame: Can't you see that I'm trying? I'm trying really hard! There are a million reasons to go back to the way we were. There are a million reasons to to hold on to what we have, but there is one reason that keeps me from coming home Yoshi.

I promised myself not to cry in front of him again. But he always makes me cry. He picks me up from a mess, he points out where i went wrong and he makes me feel helpless. Not now, not from this decision.

Dame: You always make me cry.

Vacation!!!! AT LAST!!!

once again i have proven to myself and to rest of my overly thrifty "bench/penshoppe" friends that spending a little bit more in apparel could really change your already miserable life... i haven't got the chance to prove this before because all the proof i need is that 100 million dollar feeling whenever i wear my donna karan knitted jacket... but finally... after spending almost a years savings for a vintage dolce and gabbana 3-button suit, which costs me almost $700 (and i got this on a good bargain...) and a $50 banana republic diagonal black and white stripped slim tie and another $500 for a pair of black ferragamo leather shoes... the heavens finally noticed that they might consider people with good taste in clothes as one of the major factors to get sure seats up there...

it was last monday when this all happened... i woke up around 9am in the morning and got ready for the make or break moment that would shape the rest of my vacation plans for december... once again here's a flashback...

last may my lovely girl friend got the thing we all have been waiting for... her fiancee visa to be approved... and in a blink of an eye, without hesitation nor any teary goodbyes i just realized that she jumped on the first plane going to las vegas and left everybody here in the philippines to rot!

and so she got civilly married there and because the pinoy blood still holds her already bisaya accent... everybody still wanted to have another wedding ceremony together with all the white curtains they could muster and the longest trail they could put together and all the white petals they can cover the floor with... and the date was set... december 27... AND I AM GOING TO SING!!!

well, that was the original plan until we realized that my attendance was enough destruction for the ceremony already... so we just stick to the lesser evil (bwahahahaha...)

and then i forgot that my US Visa was already expired... but how can i miss this life threatening event? the timing is just right... got 3weeks vacation leave available... the semester for my MBA is about to end... i have free tickets to the states and I HAVE FREE TICKETS TO THE STATES!!! who am i to stop myself from another luxurious trip half-way around the world... besides it's already been a year since i really got out of the philippines or anywhere within it's vicinity (i mean... south east asia... you get the drift?)

so now we go back to the early part of the blog... i got up one monday morning and fixed myself to look as expensive as the clothes i'm wearing... (IT WAS HARD!!!) i spent all my life trying not to eat too much... thankfully it paid off... i haven't been over 150 pounds and the only flab that appeared in my body was that ounce of fat around my love-handle... but i maintained my lean figure.... problem now is... i look too thin... it's exceptionally great when the suit fitted like a runway model... but also exceptionally malnourished (bwahahahah!!!!)

my friend picked me up and dropped me off to the US Embassy... he said it was a form of support for all my efforts... but of course he's expecting me to bring him that D&G watch he's been eying on ebay when i get back from the states... (oh well... meet my friends...)

The line outside the embassy was long and exhausting... imagine wearing my coat and tie under the heat of the manila sun (talk about overdressed!) and what made matters worse is that i'm pretty sure i was the only one there who thought it best to wear something formal... NOT... but i kept my composure and just imagined everybody wearing the same thermal suit that i'm wearing...

it was'nt that long when somebody tapped my shoulder and introduced herself... she was one of the applicant's... she was a dentist and by the looks of her she's quite a good one... we made small talk and i learned that she was intending to attend a confrence in san francisco... i didn't realize that it's going to be one of the countless petty stories i will hear for the rest of my stay in that irritating line... there was an old lady who has a sister in the states who was dying, another was attending a wedding and a funeral right after, another wanted to take acting classes in the states... it just goes on and on... and then i reflected on my reason... it was simple, short and unconvincing... VACATION!!!!

right after graduation, i was one of the stupid people who thought that working immediately was the sane thing to do... i didn't realize that you have the rest of your life to work and only have a year of spending your 20th year here on earth without worry and burden... but i was excited to earn (actually i was excited to buy the new chuck taylor sneakers... well it was in style 5 years ago)... and so while i was reviewing for the board exam i worked... it was fun but extremely tiring (specially when it's pay day and i need to drag myself to the mall and SHOP!!!! hahaha)... then i got to work for an AIRLINE company that was more of HELL than actually a little room you call an office (with which the only thing that made me stay is that i get to wear my ties and shirts and my shoes everyday at work)... then after wasting 30 long months of my life i decided to go for what i really wanted to do... build data communications networks... (hahahahaha... geeekkkyyy!!!!! well after this i'll be working for NASA... you just wait!) and then after more than a year of tweaking routers and switches i decided to TAKE A BREAK!!! and this was it...

my number was called... 2970... i walked confidently towards the window where the consul was on the other side... and gave him my $130 application form and my passport... he looked at me while i streched my shirt inside my suit... he asked my age... and where i'm going to in the states... i said i am 24 and im going to san francisco and then new york... he gave me a smirk and inserted a yellow slip in my passport... i was ready to get all my requirements in my little black keeper when he suddenly said that i was approved and to pay at the pavillion for the courier... i was on the verge of jumping, but i remembered my $700 DOLCE will not be so proud of me if i do that... so i smiled at the consul and told him to have a GOOD ONE!!! A REALLY GOOD ONE!!!

Next Major BLOG!!! Hello San Francisco and New York!!!!

San Francisco Trip (part 1)

this is going to be a long one...

i woke up tensed as i realized it's time for me to zip up my bags and catch the last flight to san francisco... it wasn't as if i was never coming back but i made sure i got my favorite pairs of SHOES (mind the plural form... SHOES!!!) tucked in my luggage and ready to be the first one to step on foreign ground... it had been a while since the last time I've been to the states... lemme see, i guess it's almost 7 years... i haven't really missed it but i guess the reason why i was so excited is because of the friends I'm going to see again after that very long 7 years...

my best friend (lance) knocked on my condo unit door... i knew it was him, using his signature knock... he was with a FRIEND I've never seen before and by the looks of it... it's more than that... i didn't bother asking him who he really was and I'm sure lance thought of it as weird... I'm really tensed to go to the airport and lingering on some juicy gay stories from my best friend isn't helping... i finally zipped my luggage... which had been slowly bulking up as the days approached my departure... it always seem that I'm forgetting something but I'm oblivious what it is... another shirt... another underwear... a scarf... a bottle of after shave... a small paper back book... some cologne... another cologne... at some point it was my roommate who made the effort and finally locked my red suit case to end my endless dilemma... but of course i have my other bag... which on its own weighed almost as heavy as that jam packed crimson suitcase... but i have mastered the art of travel now and packing was one thing I'm very good at... i could fit 4 pairs of Italian shoes, 10 undies, 10 socks, 3 aviator shades, 2 jackets, 3 leather belts, 4 shirts, my passport, a lip balm and even slip in a can of Altoids in what you might say a small trolley bag... every thing would fit, but the weight is one whole story altogether...

on the road, i suddenly got an SMS from my other close friend (i didn't know that this was going to be a convoy ride to the airport... but i was flattered) and finally after getting off the car and unloading my baggage, we made small hugs and kisses (like I'm not going to come back or something like that... oh well... it's part of the gay thing... drama is just seeping out of everything... QUEENS... DRAMA QUEENS... haha...) and soon i was right in front of the check-in counter...

i saw myself squeezing thru the small aisle of the aircraft all the way to the back... that's what you get when your tickets are for free... but in some magical way, the people in the plane was kind enough to give me a seat with the whole row unoccupied... the first unfriendly looking flight attendant told me that it was going to be an 11hr flight so i better get myself comfortable... and so i did...

my nuzzling was cut short when i heard somebody complaining, seated behind me, woke me up... "i was suppose to be seated in the center aisle!" he kept on going... it seems like i'm the only one bothered by his ramblings... "excuse me, can't you see everyone is sleeping in this damn plane?" i said while i was still lying down, sprawled across the 5 unoccupied seats... then he stopped... for a moment there i was a bit scared, i was imagining a huge man coming over my seat and was going to beat the living daylights out of me... i scrunched a little and pretended to be sleeping when i felt the guy stood up behind my seat and hovered above me... "what did you say?" he asked.

"i said could YOU at least keep it down... we still have to bear another 8-hour flight... so just..." i answered trying to gather what little courage i got... and then to make my words a bit scary i stared straight up at him... "YOSHI???" i whispered, trying to keep my racing heart from shouting... what the hell are you doing here???

"THE CAPTAIN HAS TURNED ON THE FASTEN-YOUR-SEAT-BELT-SIGN

..." the public speakers went on to notify the passengers that we are approaching San Francisco Airport. I opened my eyes leaving that blurry vision of my dreaded past in that dream and thought that it was a bad sign... well i can't turn back now... I'm already in San Francisco...

(end of introduction)

It was a long line at the San Francisco Airport of Entry.... there was a whole row of Homeland Security Officers, it wasn't that long when it was my turn to present myself to this adorable officer... he looks very Latino, had the most dreamy eyes I've seen in years... "please step behind that line and look straight at the camera please..." officer Latino ordered me while i was putting my two huge suitcases aside... "it's a chilly end of year huh... when was the last time it was this cold here???" i blabbered out my desperate act of making a conversation... a part of my brain is laughing its heart out (... you little Asian slut!!!) "sir, can i request that you stop talking and look straight at the camera" he interrupted my pathetic small talk... "certainly, officer..." i blunted out the best British accent i could muster hoping i would at least get some degree of respect from this rude but extremely cute guy... (i forgot... he saw my Philippine passport... you hopeless Asian whore!!!)

after that short photo shoot the Latino officer told me to go to secondary security... WTF???!!! did i get too far??? i have been in that line long enough to notice that I'm the only one told to go to secondary security... so i dragged my disappointed Asian ass to that dreaded room and waited for me to get cleared... (EMBARRASSING!!!) "