it's been almost 2 years... almost 2 years since that day, when there seem to be no hope... when there seem to be just I fighting against nature... against heaven... against hopelessness... trying so hard to keep myself calm... trying to remember how to breathe...
and just like any day... time never stopped ticking... it passed and so did that day... and so did the cries, the wails, the pants, the hopelessness... even though time seemed to ticked slower than usual, it did tick and it helped fade away the memory...
Dame: I don’t understand why i lived and they died
Neil: Maybe you still have a purpose... haven't you thought about that???
Dame: So you're saying those who died didn't have a purpose? There were children out there, did you know that???
Neil: Maybe that's their purpose.
Dame: To die???
Niel: alam mo friend... wag ka masyadong mayabang... BAKIT BA MAS MAGALING KA PA SA PLANO NG DIYOS??? hindi porket cumlau-cumlaudehan ka... eh mas matalino ka na sa DIYOS!!! (you know what??? Stop being a proud little brat… who do you think you are, trying to think that you can do it better than GOD??? Stop believing that anything you learned in life matter… stop thinking you’re smarter than him…)
and it hit me... more than the batting of the waves that day when we were stranded in the middle of the sea... that day when everything doesn’t seem to have any sense... or PURPOSE... i remember every time i tell people my story... how they all have the same reaction... "you were lucky to be alive..." that made me angry... angry at the fact that luck was the only reason why i survived... that it was a matter of statistic, a matter of circumstance... and i struggled, for a long time to comprehend... "what was the purpose of all of this???"
Dame: ang dami pa niyang kelangan gawin sa buhay... ang bata-bata pa niya... (those kids could have been somebody someday… they were just kids…)
Rev. Chris: so tell me... ano pa ang pwede nilang gawin? (so what do you think could they have been?)
Dame: hindi ko alam... pede silang maging doctor... abogado... or pari parang ikaw... (I don’t know… a doctor, maybe someone who can cure cancer, a lawyer or a priest even… like you…)
Rev. Chris: Listen to what you just answered... YOU DONT KNOW... hindi mo alam...
Dame: anong point mo father? (so what’s your point?)
Rev. Chris: ang point ko... hindi mo alam kung anong mangyayari... (the point is that you don’t know… you have no IDEA) you don't know what's going to happen in the future... no one knows... so why do you keep on lingering on what will happen and not just learn from what happened and what's happening now
Dame: what's happening now is that i'm angry and confused
Rev. Chris: saan ka confused? kanino ka galit? (why are you confused? who are you angry at?)
Dame: i'm confused of all the questions that are going on inside my head... and im angry at...
Rev. Chris: alejandro... kahit kababata kita hindi ko naman hahayaang magalit ka boss ko... actually, boss mo din yun... wala kang karapatan dahil wala ka naman alam... HINDI MO ALAM KUNG ANONG DAHILAN at KUNG BAKIT... (alejandro… doesn’t mean we’re friends since grade school that I’ll allow you to be that resentful to my boss… he’s also your boss you know… and nobody has any right because YOU DO NOT KNOW and YOU HAVE NO IDEA…)
Dame: bakit kasi sinesekreto pa niya? sa tingin ko mas maiintindihan ng mga tao kung bakit may namamatay at may naiiwang buhay kung alam nila kung bakit? kung alam nila kung ano ba talagang plano niya? (then why don’t he just tell everybody his GREAT PLAN… i really think that people needs to know the reason why somebody dies ahead of the other…)
Rev. Chris: bakit kung sabihin ba niya sa'yo maiintindihan mo? (and if he tells you… do you think you would even understand?) I DON"T THINK YOU WILL EVEN COME CLOSE IN UNDERSTANDING HIS WILL... simple lang yan dame... "THY WILL BE DONE..."
humble wasn't a word i often use in my vocabulary... i was trained to be good at everything and make everyone know that i'm good... if you know the answer, shout it out... be the first one to say it... if you have a question, ask it... and never stop looking for the answers... but this time... i was stuck... and i know i won't get any answers from anybody... and all of what happened changed me... who doesn't change after being stuck in the middle of the sea without land in sight in any direction? who doesn't change after being drained of all hope? who just picks himself up after an experience like that, moves forward, without looking back and say "hey, i'm a lucky guy!" WHO DOES THAT?